Ladies and gentlemen, I come before you tonight for the last time, to tell you and the American people, that I have been a total, abject failure as President of the United States.
(APPLAUSE)
Time does not permit me to go into all the things I've done to lower the bar, and appeal to the basest instincts of Americans. I have lied at least 935 times about Iraq, and our rush to war was an act of complete deception and manipulation.
(APPLAUSE)
But we have won the war, at least by the numbers.
On September 11, we lost about 3000 Americans. But since the war with Iraq started in 2003, hundreds of thousands of Iraqi civilians and soldiers have been killed. And almost 4000 US soldiers. So, if my math is correct, since my war killed more people than 9/11, we're the winner!
(ONLY DICK CHENEY APPLAUDS)
And yes, of course we believe in torture. Not only do we believe in it, we do it! Waterboarding, even though my Attorney General can't admit it, is torture. Bring it on!
(ATTORNEY GENERAL MICHAEL MUKASEY APPLAUDS)
And not only did God tell me to stop drinking and doing drugs, he also told me to demonize the Arab and Muslim world. And since I'm finally being honest here, I don't think Jews are going to heaven-not even Paul Wolfowitz. Heaven's just for Christians like me, and so is Crawford, Texas.
(ALL REPUBLICAN SENATORS AND CONGRESSMEN FROM TEXAS APPLAUD)
And finally, my last State of the Union finds our economy tanking. Millions of Americans are impoverished, with many more to follow. And you know what? I don't give a damn. As long as a bunch of CEO's make a billion dollars in severance between them, I'm happy.
(ALL SENATORS ABOUT TO RESIGN AND BECOME CORPORATE LOBBYISTS APPLAUD)
So that's about it. I'm the worst President ever. But I couldn't have done it without you. From my pals on the Supreme Court who subverted our democracy to anoint me President, to the spineless Republicans and Democrats who followed me like sheep into war with Iraq, and to the millions of Americans who actually meant to vote for me,
God Bless You.
(BUSH APPLAUDS. AND NO ONE ELSE.)
Sunday, January 27, 2008
State of the Non-Union
Even though we have to wait another 358 days before Bush's mailing address changes, his State of the Union address tomorrow night is his last one. If he knew the sorry state we're in, he would simply email his State of the Union instead of showing up. But the really twisted fact is that Bush thinks he's done a good job. Or at least that's what God told him. The only way Bush could salvage his legacy is if he came out and told the truth tomorrow night.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Bush's Economic Plan Stimulates Gucci
President Bush thinks the best way to stimulate the economy and avert a recession, is to give $800 to all Americans. Except low income Americans. Because they would just throw that money away on rent, food and medicine, instead of something useful like this $800 Gucci bag.
A government that gives money to everyone except poor people, is like an assisted living home that doesn't accept old people.
How come none of the Presidential candidates that I know of are linking our economic meltdown to the Iraq War?
The total spent on the Iraq war is projected to be about $611 billion by the end of this year.
According to the National Priorities Project, taxpayers where I live in Brooklyn, New York, have paid $3.9 billion for the cost of the Iraq War so far. That money could have paid for:
715,592 People with Health Care
or
7,369,921 Homes with Renewable Electricity
or
78,163 Public Safety Officers
or
55,008 Music and Arts Teachers
or
648,729 Scholarships for University Students
or
274 New Elementary Schools
or
22,377 Affordable Housing Units
or
1,355,973 Children with Health Care
or
447,619 Head Start Places for Children
or
47,356 Elementary School Teachers
or
59,162 Port Container Inspectors
But how would any of that help Halliburton?
Monday is Martin Luther King's Birthday, and it marks one year from the day when Bush will leave office. I'm sure that milestone will make Dr. King look down upon us and smile. And those desperate Republicans who invoke Ronald Reagan's name constantly, should be reminded that Reagan was no friend of Dr. King. In fact, if Reagan had ever done one of those old Memories of Martin public service announcements, what would Reagan's memory of Dr. King have been?
"I thought Martin Luther King was a communist, I was against making his birthday a holiday, and that's my memory of Martin."
Sunday, January 13, 2008
We Won't Be Fooled Again, Or Will We?
ABU DHABI, United Arab Emirates — President Bush urged wary Persian Gulf allies on Sunday to rally against Iran “before it is too late,” even as the International Atomic Energy Agency announced that the country had agreed to answer outstanding questions about its nuclear programs within four weeks.
New York Times
Bush should be charged with plagiarizing his own speeches on Iraq in 2002 and 2003. His idea then of "before it was too late", was if he let the inspections run their course, they would have found that Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction. Bush wants Iran to be confronted now, before they're able to prove they're doing what we want them to do.
And then there are those dreaded Iranian speedboats. Calling speedboats a threat to US warships, sounds more like a headline in The Onion, than a rational observation. Speedboats aren't threats to warships; modest waves are threats to speedboats. And the person who filed a transmission saying "You will all explode in a few minutes", sounds more like a crazed Howard Stern hacker, than a terrorist. The footage the Pentagon released looks like some grainy You Tube video from Spring Break in Cancun. I figured that when talk of a recession started surfacing, Bush would be dragging Iran back into the picture. What better way to distract the American public from something that's really happening, than to whip up imaginary fears of menacing, all-powerful speedboats?
Would someone please tell Wolf Blitzer that there was nothing "shocking" about Hillary Clinton's victory in New Hampshire on Tuesday?
It would be shocking if the networks actually allowed all of the candidates to participate in debates, rather than the ones they think have a chance to win.
It would be shocking if voters realized that Mike Huckabee doing Leno and Letterman, isn't a reason to vote for him for President. If he did the Chabad Telethon however, that would be a reason to vote for him.
What's really shocking is that Bush thinks he can use the same script from 2002 to fool us again in 2008. And that he can probably convince the American people he's only using the old script because of the writers strike.
New York Times
Bush should be charged with plagiarizing his own speeches on Iraq in 2002 and 2003. His idea then of "before it was too late", was if he let the inspections run their course, they would have found that Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction. Bush wants Iran to be confronted now, before they're able to prove they're doing what we want them to do.
And then there are those dreaded Iranian speedboats. Calling speedboats a threat to US warships, sounds more like a headline in The Onion, than a rational observation. Speedboats aren't threats to warships; modest waves are threats to speedboats. And the person who filed a transmission saying "You will all explode in a few minutes", sounds more like a crazed Howard Stern hacker, than a terrorist. The footage the Pentagon released looks like some grainy You Tube video from Spring Break in Cancun. I figured that when talk of a recession started surfacing, Bush would be dragging Iran back into the picture. What better way to distract the American public from something that's really happening, than to whip up imaginary fears of menacing, all-powerful speedboats?
Would someone please tell Wolf Blitzer that there was nothing "shocking" about Hillary Clinton's victory in New Hampshire on Tuesday?
It would be shocking if the networks actually allowed all of the candidates to participate in debates, rather than the ones they think have a chance to win.
It would be shocking if voters realized that Mike Huckabee doing Leno and Letterman, isn't a reason to vote for him for President. If he did the Chabad Telethon however, that would be a reason to vote for him.
What's really shocking is that Bush thinks he can use the same script from 2002 to fool us again in 2008. And that he can probably convince the American people he's only using the old script because of the writers strike.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
This Blog Is All About Change
Every Presidential candidate this week stole the theme of change from Barack Obama, because he did so well Tuesday in Iowa. Next, to confuse the voting public, they're all going to steal his name too. Except Giuliani, who would love to rename himself Mr. September 11. But he can't, because a professional wrestler has probably beat him to it.
The Republicans go on and on about how Ronald Reagan got the Berlin wall taken down, and then they drool over the thought of putting up their own wall on the border with Mexico. There are a lot of unemployed former East German security police they could hire to build that wall.
President Bush is visiting the Middle East this week. He'll be staying in a $2600 per night suite at the King David Hotel in Jerusalem. They were out of rooms at his first choice- an illegal settlement in the West Bank. This is Bush's first trip ever to Israel, where he's expected to visit the Wall. Not the wailing wall. He's going to visit the wall that separates Israelis from Palestinians, and Palestinians from their gardens and farms. But you know how Republicans love those border walls. Prime Minister Olmert said it's not a wall, it's a gated community. They have a clubhouse, there's entertainment on Saturday night.
I just realized I've gone a couple of paragraphs without mentioning change. So how about a change in the topics the candidates discuss.
They never discuss the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and if they do, it's the always helpful, "I stand by Israel" comment, and then they move on to the next topic. Israelis disagree with the Israeli government more than American politicians do. The candidates think that, if they criticize Israel even slightly, Alan Dershowitz will demand they drop out of the race.
And what about gun control? After every shooting at a school or at the mall, instead of hearing people talk about keeping guns out of everyone's hands, they talk about how we'd be better off if everyone had guns.
I wonder what some of the candidates will be doing years from now? Fred Thompson acts like he can't wait to jump back into the cast of Law and Order. Mike Huckabee could host the first late night evangelical crusade. Mitt Romney seems well suited to host an infomercial on How To Start Your Own Business With No Money Whatsoever.
And Barack Obama might be bringing about real change. As President of the United States.
The Republicans go on and on about how Ronald Reagan got the Berlin wall taken down, and then they drool over the thought of putting up their own wall on the border with Mexico. There are a lot of unemployed former East German security police they could hire to build that wall.
President Bush is visiting the Middle East this week. He'll be staying in a $2600 per night suite at the King David Hotel in Jerusalem. They were out of rooms at his first choice- an illegal settlement in the West Bank. This is Bush's first trip ever to Israel, where he's expected to visit the Wall. Not the wailing wall. He's going to visit the wall that separates Israelis from Palestinians, and Palestinians from their gardens and farms. But you know how Republicans love those border walls. Prime Minister Olmert said it's not a wall, it's a gated community. They have a clubhouse, there's entertainment on Saturday night.
I just realized I've gone a couple of paragraphs without mentioning change. So how about a change in the topics the candidates discuss.
They never discuss the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and if they do, it's the always helpful, "I stand by Israel" comment, and then they move on to the next topic. Israelis disagree with the Israeli government more than American politicians do. The candidates think that, if they criticize Israel even slightly, Alan Dershowitz will demand they drop out of the race.
And what about gun control? After every shooting at a school or at the mall, instead of hearing people talk about keeping guns out of everyone's hands, they talk about how we'd be better off if everyone had guns.
I wonder what some of the candidates will be doing years from now? Fred Thompson acts like he can't wait to jump back into the cast of Law and Order. Mike Huckabee could host the first late night evangelical crusade. Mitt Romney seems well suited to host an infomercial on How To Start Your Own Business With No Money Whatsoever.
And Barack Obama might be bringing about real change. As President of the United States.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
The End Of The YEAR As We Know It
2007 went by much too fast, but at least we're that much closer to the end of the Bush-Cheney regime.
I'm a liberal Jewish political comedian, so although I hate what they have done and continue to do to our country, I don't wish them ill personally. This summer, Bush had a colonoscopy. Apparently, he was having headaches. Bush temporarily turned over the powers of the Presidency to Cheney. I though he already did that in 2001. The White House even put a spin on Bush's colonoscopy. They said doctors found three polyps and five weapons of mass destruction.
Mike Huckabee keeps proving that having a sense of humor, and bringing your own laundry to the front desk at the Holiday Inn, doesn't make you qualified to be President. His reaction to the tragedy in Pakistan this week, was to say how we need a border fence with Mexico more than ever, to keep Pakistanis out. If he was trying to be funny, that would have been a wildly absurd joke, but sadly this is what he really believes. Or what God told him to believe.
Huckabee had a commercial in Iowa, where the words "Christian Leader" were superimposed. Somehow, in an age where politicians wear their religion on both sleeves, this didn't create an outcry. If the late Rabbi Menachem Schneerson was running for President, and had an ad which said "Hasidic Leader", the reaction would have been a little different.
There's no end in sight for the Writers Guild strike. But doesn't it seem that all of the Republican Presidential candidates, and some of the Democrats too, have had their writers on strike since the beginning of the campaign? If you got your news from Republican debates, you would think that the biggest threat to our country was 12 million illegal immigrants working harder than most Americans, to send their meager pay to their families back home. They're not threats, they're role models. Fear mongers like Tom Tancredo, who dropped out of the race because he would have gotten absolutely no votes, are threats to this country. Not illegal immigrants.
I just got back from San Francisco, where I had the privilege of working with a true comedy legend Shelley Berman, at Lisa Geduldig's Kung Pao Kosher Comedy shows. Getting to watch Shelley onstage, and talk with him offstage, was a master class in comedy.
I loved being in California, a state where Bush's popularity is the lowest in the country. He's down to 23. Not percent. Just 23.
This time next year, we will have elected a new, hopefully Democratic, President.
We have a lot to look forward to.
Have a Happy, Healthy and very funny New Year.
I'm a liberal Jewish political comedian, so although I hate what they have done and continue to do to our country, I don't wish them ill personally. This summer, Bush had a colonoscopy. Apparently, he was having headaches. Bush temporarily turned over the powers of the Presidency to Cheney. I though he already did that in 2001. The White House even put a spin on Bush's colonoscopy. They said doctors found three polyps and five weapons of mass destruction.
Mike Huckabee keeps proving that having a sense of humor, and bringing your own laundry to the front desk at the Holiday Inn, doesn't make you qualified to be President. His reaction to the tragedy in Pakistan this week, was to say how we need a border fence with Mexico more than ever, to keep Pakistanis out. If he was trying to be funny, that would have been a wildly absurd joke, but sadly this is what he really believes. Or what God told him to believe.
Huckabee had a commercial in Iowa, where the words "Christian Leader" were superimposed. Somehow, in an age where politicians wear their religion on both sleeves, this didn't create an outcry. If the late Rabbi Menachem Schneerson was running for President, and had an ad which said "Hasidic Leader", the reaction would have been a little different.
There's no end in sight for the Writers Guild strike. But doesn't it seem that all of the Republican Presidential candidates, and some of the Democrats too, have had their writers on strike since the beginning of the campaign? If you got your news from Republican debates, you would think that the biggest threat to our country was 12 million illegal immigrants working harder than most Americans, to send their meager pay to their families back home. They're not threats, they're role models. Fear mongers like Tom Tancredo, who dropped out of the race because he would have gotten absolutely no votes, are threats to this country. Not illegal immigrants.
I just got back from San Francisco, where I had the privilege of working with a true comedy legend Shelley Berman, at Lisa Geduldig's Kung Pao Kosher Comedy shows. Getting to watch Shelley onstage, and talk with him offstage, was a master class in comedy.
I loved being in California, a state where Bush's popularity is the lowest in the country. He's down to 23. Not percent. Just 23.
This time next year, we will have elected a new, hopefully Democratic, President.
We have a lot to look forward to.
Have a Happy, Healthy and very funny New Year.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Military Strike
The Writers Guild strike has no end in sight, Broadway stagehands recently ended their walkout, and the Directors Guild has begun their contract negotiations. These job actions, while justified, deprive people of their entertainment options. Why can't there be strikes by the people who do things we wish they would stop doing? Let's take our military in Iraq, for example.
While Congress is unable or unwilling to bring our troops home expeditiously, a military strike would accomplish a similiar result. And not the kind of military strike that Turkey inflicted upon northern Iraq yesterday, or US forces carry out in Iraq and Afghanistan. No, a genuine military strike where soldiers refuse to fight, lay down their weapons, and write picket signs instead. Picture this conversation between a soldier and military brass.
PENTAGON: What are your strike demands?
SOLDIER: No more killing.
PENTAGON: But you're a soldier. Killing is part of the job description.
SOLDIER: Then change our job description. How about replacing killing with talking?
PENTAGON: You're not trained to talk.
SOLDIER: I think that's a skill you can pick up without training.
PENTAGON: So if you don't kill the enemy, won't they kill you?
SOLDIER: That's where the talking comes in. Everyone wants something. We can find out what they want, tell them what we want, and try to make everyone happy.
PENTAGON: That won't make Halliburton happy.
Newspaper ad next season
Get your human growth hormones autographed by your favorite major league baseball stars!
And on the campaign trail...Oprah Winfrey campaigned last week for Barack Obama. Desperately searching for his own celebrity to support him, Mike Huckabee said he would have Jesus campaign with him. When told of Jesus's lack of availability, Huckabee said he was not aware that Jesus was no longer alive, saying he had been campaigning nonstop and didn't have time to get the news.
While Congress is unable or unwilling to bring our troops home expeditiously, a military strike would accomplish a similiar result. And not the kind of military strike that Turkey inflicted upon northern Iraq yesterday, or US forces carry out in Iraq and Afghanistan. No, a genuine military strike where soldiers refuse to fight, lay down their weapons, and write picket signs instead. Picture this conversation between a soldier and military brass.
PENTAGON: What are your strike demands?
SOLDIER: No more killing.
PENTAGON: But you're a soldier. Killing is part of the job description.
SOLDIER: Then change our job description. How about replacing killing with talking?
PENTAGON: You're not trained to talk.
SOLDIER: I think that's a skill you can pick up without training.
PENTAGON: So if you don't kill the enemy, won't they kill you?
SOLDIER: That's where the talking comes in. Everyone wants something. We can find out what they want, tell them what we want, and try to make everyone happy.
PENTAGON: That won't make Halliburton happy.
Newspaper ad next season
Get your human growth hormones autographed by your favorite major league baseball stars!
And on the campaign trail...Oprah Winfrey campaigned last week for Barack Obama. Desperately searching for his own celebrity to support him, Mike Huckabee said he would have Jesus campaign with him. When told of Jesus's lack of availability, Huckabee said he was not aware that Jesus was no longer alive, saying he had been campaigning nonstop and didn't have time to get the news.
Monday, December 10, 2007
CIA Tapes Were On My Netflix Queue
The White House said it begged, begged the CIA not to destroy those interrogation tapes. I mean, the last thing the White House would want destroyed is direct evidence that the United States uses torture.
Besides, the tapes showed detainees being waterboarded, which isn't torture according to President Bush and Attorney General Mulkasey; it's just a refreshing pick me up. So if the tapes showed waterboarding, and waterboarding isn't torture, then The White House would have wanted everyone to see the tapes, because there's no torture shown on them. In fact, I'm sure Bush and Cheney would have loved to have submitted the CIA tapes to the Human Rights Watch Film Festival.
Other torture tapes the CIA is thought to have destroyed include:
1) Every Bush news conference since he took office.
2) Every Bush speech since he took office.
3) Every episode of Comedy Central's Mind of Mencia.
And, doesn't the fact that the CIA still uses tapes and not DVD's, say something about its technological capability?
The National Intelligence Estimate said Iran ended its nuclear program in 2003. Bush reacted to that news the way any irrational, reckless and intellectually challenged person would. He said "Iran was dangerous, and is dangerous." Iran's most potent weapons are persian rugs. I guess Bush fears the US being rolled up in wool berber.
Mitt Romney gave a speech about religion, where he basically urged voters not to let his being a Mormon stop them from voting for a morally bankrupt, vapid, intellectually dishonest multimillionaire.
And on a self-indulgent note, I hope you'll join me this Thursday December 13, for my look back at 2007, The End Of The Year As We Know It, at Vox Pop, 1022 Cortelyou Road(at Stratford Road) Ditmas Park, Brooklyn at 8:30 PM. Sadly for me, it's free!
Besides, the tapes showed detainees being waterboarded, which isn't torture according to President Bush and Attorney General Mulkasey; it's just a refreshing pick me up. So if the tapes showed waterboarding, and waterboarding isn't torture, then The White House would have wanted everyone to see the tapes, because there's no torture shown on them. In fact, I'm sure Bush and Cheney would have loved to have submitted the CIA tapes to the Human Rights Watch Film Festival.
Other torture tapes the CIA is thought to have destroyed include:
1) Every Bush news conference since he took office.
2) Every Bush speech since he took office.
3) Every episode of Comedy Central's Mind of Mencia.
And, doesn't the fact that the CIA still uses tapes and not DVD's, say something about its technological capability?
The National Intelligence Estimate said Iran ended its nuclear program in 2003. Bush reacted to that news the way any irrational, reckless and intellectually challenged person would. He said "Iran was dangerous, and is dangerous." Iran's most potent weapons are persian rugs. I guess Bush fears the US being rolled up in wool berber.
Mitt Romney gave a speech about religion, where he basically urged voters not to let his being a Mormon stop them from voting for a morally bankrupt, vapid, intellectually dishonest multimillionaire.
And on a self-indulgent note, I hope you'll join me this Thursday December 13, for my look back at 2007, The End Of The Year As We Know It, at Vox Pop, 1022 Cortelyou Road(at Stratford Road) Ditmas Park, Brooklyn at 8:30 PM. Sadly for me, it's free!
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