Ladies and gentlemen, I come before you tonight for the last time, to tell you and the American people, that I have been a total, abject failure as President of the United States.
Time does not permit me to go into all the things I've done to lower the bar, and appeal to the basest instincts of Americans. I have lied at least 935 times about Iraq, and our rush to war was an act of complete deception and manipulation.
But we have won the war, at least by the numbers.
On September 11, we lost about 3000 Americans. But since the war with Iraq started in 2003, hundreds of thousands of Iraqi civilians and soldiers have been killed. And almost 4000 US soldiers. So, if my math is correct, since my war killed more people than 9/11, we're the winner!
(ONLY DICK CHENEY APPLAUDS)
And yes, of course we believe in torture. Not only do we believe in it, we do it! Waterboarding, even though my Attorney General can't admit it, is torture. Bring it on!
(ATTORNEY GENERAL MICHAEL MUKASEY APPLAUDS)
And not only did God tell me to stop drinking and doing drugs, he also told me to demonize the Arab and Muslim world. And since I'm finally being honest here, I don't think Jews are going to heaven-not even Paul Wolfowitz. Heaven's just for Christians like me, and so is Crawford, Texas.
(ALL REPUBLICAN SENATORS AND CONGRESSMEN FROM TEXAS APPLAUD)
And finally, my last State of the Union finds our economy tanking. Millions of Americans are impoverished, with many more to follow. And you know what? I don't give a damn. As long as a bunch of CEO's make a billion dollars in severance between them, I'm happy.
(ALL SENATORS ABOUT TO RESIGN AND BECOME CORPORATE LOBBYISTS APPLAUD)
So that's about it. I'm the worst President ever. But I couldn't have done it without you. From my pals on the Supreme Court who subverted our democracy to anoint me President, to the spineless Republicans and Democrats who followed me like sheep into war with Iraq, and to the millions of Americans who actually meant to vote for me,
God Bless You.
(BUSH APPLAUDS. AND NO ONE ELSE.)
Sunday, January 27, 2008
State of the Non-Union
Even though we have to wait another 358 days before Bush's mailing address changes, his State of the Union address tomorrow night is his last one. If he knew the sorry state we're in, he would simply email his State of the Union instead of showing up. But the really twisted fact is that Bush thinks he's done a good job. Or at least that's what God told him. The only way Bush could salvage his legacy is if he came out and told the truth tomorrow night.