Saturday, December 27, 2008

Israel Says It's OK To Bomb and Kill People On The Sabbath As Long As You Don't Drive Or Turn On Any Lights

Israeli authorities assured its people today that you can kill over 200 people and drop hundreds of bombs on the Sabbath, but warned against violating other Sabbath rules like driving a car or turning lights on in the house.

"You've got to draw the line somewhere", said Ehud Barak, the Israeli Defense Minister. Barak cited an obscure, never before seen portion of the Torah that said,"Ye shall not work or operate machinery on the Sabbath, unless that machinery happens to be a fighter plane and your work involves dropping bombs on people".

Barak(no relation to Barack Obama who spells his name differently, and is a smart, compassionate human being), also announced that Israel would remove from Sabbath prayer books the line, "Seek peace and pursue it". Barak said the line was "dated", and really didn't work in the context of a heated political campaign. Barak, Tzipi Livni and Benjamin Netanyahu are vying for the job of Prime Minister, and observers say the one who acts in the most stupid, immoral and ineffective way, has the best shot at winning the election.

The assault was called "Shock and Oy Vey", an Israeli version of the American "Shock and Awe". It was launched in response to rocket attacks by a stupid, immoral and ineffective faction of Hamas.

The White House did not condemn the bombings, but urged Israel to "try to keep the number of innocent men, women and children killed down to a respectable figure".

The Orthodox Union had no comment on the bombings, but it did make an urgent announcement that Dietz and Watson Hoagie Dressing bears an unauthorized OU symbol and is not certified Kosher by the Orthodox Union.