The World Should Vote for U.S. President

Barack Obama gave an inspiring, uplifting speech today to 200,000 people in Berlin, Germany. Not to be outdone, John McCain woodenly told 200 people today in Berlin, Ohio, that they're the only Berliners whose vote counts. But why can't Germans and people from all over the world also vote for President of the United States?

Most Europeans and people from other countries are more knowledgeable about the U.S. than Americans are. They're more intellectual, aware, and more liberal- just the kind of people you want to vote for President of the United States.

In Berlin, Germany, the audience roared at Obama's line about bringing down walls between Arabs, Muslims, Jews and Christians. In Berlin, Ohio, some audience members said McCain was the only All-American candidate. So who sounds better qualified to vote for President?

I'm not asking to disenfranchise "hardworking white Americans"(I plagerized that term from Hillary). I'm just saying that in addition to the largely uninformed American electorate, let's open up our election process to Germans and Swedes, Palestinians and Israelis, Africans and Indians, and yes, Colombians and Salvadorans too.

But if the whole world got to vote, you might ask, wouldn't they tend to vote for liberal Democratic candidates? Exactly.

And when the whole world voted for President of the United States, if the Supreme Court tried to steal the election, there would be millions of Europeans and Asians and Africans protesting in the streets of their countries. Something that just doesn't happen here in America.

The biggest challenge for any U.S. President is to get along with the rest of the world. Getting the rest of the world to help choose our President will go a long way towards bringing all of us together in peace.

Will the Government Rescue Bernie Mac?

Now that the government has unveiled plans to bail out mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, will they do the same for comedy giant Bernie Mac?

After he opened for Barack Obama at a $2300 a plate fundraiser, and performed his menstruation and prostitution bits, Bernie Mac could use an infusion of good judgement.

Whenever a comedian bombs with inappropriate material(like Whoopie Goldberg at an Al Gore fundraiser at Radio City Music Hall in 2000), it makes it unlikely that real political comedians like myself, will get the chance to perform in front of Obama.

At McCain fundraisers, McCain is the one doing the inappropriate material. “Maybe that’s a way of killing them,” McCain told reporters about the export of some $158 million in cigarettes to Iran in recent years. McCain then added, "I meant that as a joke", which the unquestioning, drooling news media actually believed, and probably laughed at too. Maybe that's why McCain's vicious, mean-spirited not even close to a joke, barely got a mention in the mainstream press.

And yet this week's New Yorker cover depicting Obama in Muslim garb and his wife Michelle dressed as a terrorist is getting lots of outraged comments. The cover was satirizing the ignorance of people(like certain Fox News anchors) who compare fist jabs to terrorist behavior, and spread unfounded rumors about Obama's past.

Apparently these days, political satire is more offensive than joking about "hos", and killing Iranians.

And with all of the offensive things going on around the world, the purchase of Budweiser by the Belgian company InBev is seen by some beer-guzzling Americans as the coming of the apocalypse. To them, Budweiser is not just a beverage with lots of carbs-it's patriotic! Maybe Obama and McCain should wear little Budweiser bottle flag pins too.

It reminds me of that old Miller beer slogan. "Miller. Made The American Way".
Is that what America stands for? Feeling sluggish and urinating frequently?

Will McCain Insist Obama Wears Declaration of Independence T-shirt?

You would have thought that once Barack Obama started wearing the US flag pin, all of those nasty rumors about his supposed lack of patriotism(whatever that means)would go away. But the idiotic rantings of ignorant people continue to circulate across the Internet. What else should he do to convince them?

Nothing. These are mean-spirited, moronic individuals who aren't going to vote for him, or any person of color, ever. So forget them. They're probably too stupid to know when Election Day is anyway.

How about paying more attention to nice, mildly neurotic, progressive people like me?I know that moving to the center is probably a winning strategy. And I desperately want Obama to win. But how about throwing a bone to us bleeding heart liberals, who live in very blue urban areas like Brooklyn? Can't you intersperse your "it's OK to spy on us to keep us safe" material with "George W. Bush lied to us, and went to war under totally false pretenses?" And when you say that protecting the mental health of a woman is not an excuse for a late term abortion, can't you follow that up with, "I'm definitely picking judges who will uphold Roe vs. Wade?"

We liberals know the drill. It's OK to sound progressive during the primaries, but once they're over, you have to start talking like a "real" American. In this campaign, the word "liberal" is used as an accusation, much like "child molester". Remember when the first Bush attacked Dukakis for being a "card-carrying member of the American Civil Liberties Union?" And Dukakis just hopped on his tank and ignored it. Why don't liberals take pride in being a liberal, and take pride in being a member of the ACLU? After all, the ACLU fights for the very freedoms granted to us in the Declaration of Independence. Which sounds pretty patriotic to me.

The Election They Didn't Talk About Today

You know an election must be seriously flawed if President Bush calls it illegitimate. Robert Mugabe's brutal dictatorship's torture and murder of citizens who wanted to vote against him, makes our Supreme Court's hijacking of the 2000 election seem like a lesson in Democracy.

It took Bush about seven years to say anything about Mugabe's vicious regime, but unless there's oil involved, Africa is never the focus of our government's attention. Or maybe it took Bush that long to learn how to pronounce Zimbabwe and Mugabe.

Most African nations are finally speaking out against Mugabe, with the notable exception of South Africa. Doctors Without Borders said South Africa deported some 450 Zimbabweans overnight from a border detention center who were "fleeing instability and political violence." All inhumanity towards man is unacceptable, but when it comes from South Africa, a country who used to be on the receiving end of such mistreatment, it is particularly perverse and obscene. I guess Thabo Mibeki is too busy denying that HIV causes AIDS, and arguing that antiretroviral drugs do more harm than good, to speak out against Mugabe.

Is it Rude To Save Lives Without An Invitation?
The Bush Administration isn't very good about trying to help people in need. Their heart's just not in it. We're great at invading countries and causing the deaths of tens of thousands of people, including almost 4000 of our own soldiers. But when it comes to sending in supplies to help save lives in Myanmar, all of a sudden we become very wimpy. "Oh, we'd LOVE to deliver this food and medicine, but the government WON'T LET US!" We have no problems attacking a country without a letter of consent, and we constantly threaten Iran with military force, but it's just darn impolite to tell Myanmar that we're going to send in food and supplies whether they like it or not.

Very little, if any, of this was mentioned on Sunday's talk shows. They just have partisans from both sides cut each other off loudly and say nothing about anything going on outside the US. Even though almost all of our problems stem from what's going on in the rest of the world. All they blabber on about is what a friend of a friend of a guy who almost met Obama once, said at a bar. And should Obama immediately distance himself from the guy he never heard of.

Iraq War is Over
The media has figured out how to do something that neither party has been able to.
They ended the Iraq war. Not that people aren't still fighting and dying, but it's just not worth covering on the evening news. The networks are bringing home their Iraq correspondents.

If a soldier falls in the field and no one is around to hear it, does he make a sound?

A Standup Life

One of the first comedy shows I ever saw was George Carlin at The Bitter End in Greenwich Village in 1972. That show has stayed with me ever since, and surely helped steer me towards a career as a standup comedian. That night was transformational for Carlin as well, since he had recently changed his persona from suit and tie Vegas comic to a bearded T shirt clad counterculture satirist. For two hours, we were in the presence of genius, and the genesis of a comedy revolution.

He was outrageously funny, but what I admired most about Carlin was how prolific he was. 14 HBO specials and hard at work on the next one, he had a work ethic most comedians like myself are unfamiliar with. And his comedy didn't stop evolving in 1972. He kept changing, just as his life changed, just as all good comedians should continue to change. Because Carlin knew, better than anyone, that standup comedy is a work in progress. At 71, most people are either retired or rest on their laurels. Carlin did neither. He was going strong, with a performance schedule comedians like myself envy.

I met Carlin twice. A few years ago, I was opening for Robert Klein at the Gotham Comedy Club in New York. Right before I went on, I was told George Carlin was in the audience, but not to mention it since Robert Klein rightfully wanted to tell the crowd first. As much as I would have loved to tell the crowd and Carlin how highly I regarded him, I obeyed. Of course, the next comic got up and immediately announced, "Hey George Carlin is here!"

The greatest joy and highlight of my career has been the many times I've worked with my comedy idol Robert Klein. And that night was even more special. Jerry Seinfeld, who was the MC at The Comic Strip when I passed auditions there, dropped in to do a set. After the show,standing next to Seinfeld, Klein and Carlin, I turned to Gotham's owner Chris Mazzilli and said, "Wow, can you believe I'm here tonight?"

I told Carlin what a fan I was and his lady friend said how funny she thought I was. I would have loved to hear him say that as well, but that didn't spoil the moment for me. Although I do obsess about it from time to time.

The first time I met Carlin was about two years after that Bitter End performance, at the Auditorium Theater in Chicago. I somehow managed to wrangle my way backstage and told Carlin how much I loved his show. He thanked me and said, "Have a nice life".

George Carlin is one of the reasons why I have a standup life.

I don't know if Carlin believed in heaven, but wherever he is right now, I'm sure he's hard at work on a new hour of afterlife material.

Mission Accomplished

The New York Times reported that Exxon Mobil, Shell, Total and BP — the original partners in the Iraq Petroleum Company, before Sadaam Hussein nationalized the oil industry, — along with Chevron and a number of smaller oil companies, are in talks with Iraq’s Oil Ministry for no-bid contracts to service Iraq’s largest fields, according to ministry officials, oil company officials and an American diplomat.

So this war wasn't about oil? Yeah, right.

Bush and McCain Tank the Environment.
President Bush and John McCain called for an end to the 26 year moratorium on off shore oil drilling. If you destroy our oceans, our fish, and our wildlife, off shore and in the Arctic, no one is going to want to drive there anymore anyway. Not to be outdone, Dick Cheney announced he was in favor of drilling for oil in Guantanemo detainees.

McCain Against The Freedom He Says We're Fighting For In Iraq.
John McCain called the recent Supreme Court decision defending the right of Guantanemo detaines to a fair trial the worst decision ever made in the US. McCain thinks The Bill of Rights was the second worst.

You wouldn't think a guy who was a prisoner of war and a victim of torture, would be against protecting the rights of prisoners of war, and recently voted in favor of the use of torture. And McCain keeps insisting we will win this war. Unfortunately, as others have noted, the war he seems intent on winning is the Vietnam War. McCain thinks The Surge should include sending troops to Saigon.

McCain derides Obama for wanting to talk to our enemies. As if talking is some wimpy, weak form of behavior. This from a guy who answered a question about whether he would bomb Iran, by singing in his worst Beach Boys impression, "Bomb Bomb Bomb Bomb Bomb Iran."

McCain's twisted version of that song is topping the charts in Israel right now. The Israel military conducted exercises that supposedly are preparations for a possible attack on Iran's nuclear facilities. Which is a frighteningly stupid idea to everyone except Presidential candidates who sing, "Bomb Bomb Bomb Bomb Bomb Iran".

Fire Bush, not Willie Randolph.
The mainstream media, and most Democrats,viewed Dennis Kucinich's impeachment resolution as the work of some crackpot not to be taken seriously, instead of the utterly rational, reasonable proposal it is. The shabbily handled firing of Mets manager Willie Randolph got front page coverage, while the issue of firing a President and a war criminal got hardly any coverage at all. Democrats said that now was not the time to impeach Bush. When is a good time? When he's out of office?

Hillary Concedes That She Really Won

Hillary Clinton decided to endorse Barack Obama at a time when she thought it would have the most impact- Saturday at noon in the summer. Even Obama had the good sense to play golf instead of sitting at home on a beautiful warm day. That annoyed ardent Hillary supporters, who perhaps are unaware that they have these new fangled recording devices now that let you watch a speech after it's been delivered.

Hillary drew a large crowd on Saturday, but I'm guessing there were a lot of comps and TDF members.When Hillary spoke about herself and her campaign, she was positively glowing and effusive. When she talked about Obama, it was like she was reciting a homework assignment she didn't want to do. I understand how she felt, but at least she could have unenthusiastically delivered those words last Tuesday instead of waiting until Saturday. It's admirable to be a fighter who doesn't give up until the end. It's delusional when instead of conceding right after your opponent has won the nomination, you instead urge your supporters to email and tell you what you should do next. I would've have written, "Please turn on the news, you lost".

I think Hillary is a remarkably gifted and qualified candidate, but that doesn't excuse the irrational behavior of a tiny minority of her supporters. They want to punish elected officials who had the gall not to endorse Hillary, by supporting their opponents(P.S. Their opponents are Republicans). And any Hillary supporter who now says they will vote for McCain, instead of Obama, should be called what they really are. Either idiots or racists. No other explanation can account for voting for someone whose views are the polar opposite of the person you originally supported.

And when Hillary compared the primary rules(which she had approved) to elections in Zimbabwe, it showed yet another of her personalities. One that was totally devoid of judgement. If she ran for office in Zimbabwe, lost and complained about the election process, she would be jailed. If you lose in this country, people talk about you as a Vice Presidential candidate.

Hillary Clinton supporters should not blame Obama, or men in general, or the rules of the Democratic Party, for why Hillary lost. She lost because Barack Obama was a better candidate, a more inspiring, hopeful and consistent leader who stuck to his principles and convictions. And one more thing. Hillary Clinton voted for the war in Iraq. They counted all those votes-she was just on the wrong side of it. Maybe this would be a good time to use that quote: "The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars. But in ourselves."