The Election They Didn't Talk About Today

You know an election must be seriously flawed if President Bush calls it illegitimate. Robert Mugabe's brutal dictatorship's torture and murder of citizens who wanted to vote against him, makes our Supreme Court's hijacking of the 2000 election seem like a lesson in Democracy.

It took Bush about seven years to say anything about Mugabe's vicious regime, but unless there's oil involved, Africa is never the focus of our government's attention. Or maybe it took Bush that long to learn how to pronounce Zimbabwe and Mugabe.

Most African nations are finally speaking out against Mugabe, with the notable exception of South Africa. Doctors Without Borders said South Africa deported some 450 Zimbabweans overnight from a border detention center who were "fleeing instability and political violence." All inhumanity towards man is unacceptable, but when it comes from South Africa, a country who used to be on the receiving end of such mistreatment, it is particularly perverse and obscene. I guess Thabo Mibeki is too busy denying that HIV causes AIDS, and arguing that antiretroviral drugs do more harm than good, to speak out against Mugabe.

Is it Rude To Save Lives Without An Invitation?
The Bush Administration isn't very good about trying to help people in need. Their heart's just not in it. We're great at invading countries and causing the deaths of tens of thousands of people, including almost 4000 of our own soldiers. But when it comes to sending in supplies to help save lives in Myanmar, all of a sudden we become very wimpy. "Oh, we'd LOVE to deliver this food and medicine, but the government WON'T LET US!" We have no problems attacking a country without a letter of consent, and we constantly threaten Iran with military force, but it's just darn impolite to tell Myanmar that we're going to send in food and supplies whether they like it or not.

Very little, if any, of this was mentioned on Sunday's talk shows. They just have partisans from both sides cut each other off loudly and say nothing about anything going on outside the US. Even though almost all of our problems stem from what's going on in the rest of the world. All they blabber on about is what a friend of a friend of a guy who almost met Obama once, said at a bar. And should Obama immediately distance himself from the guy he never heard of.

Iraq War is Over
The media has figured out how to do something that neither party has been able to.
They ended the Iraq war. Not that people aren't still fighting and dying, but it's just not worth covering on the evening news. The networks are bringing home their Iraq correspondents.

If a soldier falls in the field and no one is around to hear it, does he make a sound?

A Standup Life

One of the first comedy shows I ever saw was George Carlin at The Bitter End in Greenwich Village in 1972. That show has stayed with me ever since, and surely helped steer me towards a career as a standup comedian. That night was transformational for Carlin as well, since he had recently changed his persona from suit and tie Vegas comic to a bearded T shirt clad counterculture satirist. For two hours, we were in the presence of genius, and the genesis of a comedy revolution.

He was outrageously funny, but what I admired most about Carlin was how prolific he was. 14 HBO specials and hard at work on the next one, he had a work ethic most comedians like myself are unfamiliar with. And his comedy didn't stop evolving in 1972. He kept changing, just as his life changed, just as all good comedians should continue to change. Because Carlin knew, better than anyone, that standup comedy is a work in progress. At 71, most people are either retired or rest on their laurels. Carlin did neither. He was going strong, with a performance schedule comedians like myself envy.

I met Carlin twice. A few years ago, I was opening for Robert Klein at the Gotham Comedy Club in New York. Right before I went on, I was told George Carlin was in the audience, but not to mention it since Robert Klein rightfully wanted to tell the crowd first. As much as I would have loved to tell the crowd and Carlin how highly I regarded him, I obeyed. Of course, the next comic got up and immediately announced, "Hey George Carlin is here!"

The greatest joy and highlight of my career has been the many times I've worked with my comedy idol Robert Klein. And that night was even more special. Jerry Seinfeld, who was the MC at The Comic Strip when I passed auditions there, dropped in to do a set. After the show,standing next to Seinfeld, Klein and Carlin, I turned to Gotham's owner Chris Mazzilli and said, "Wow, can you believe I'm here tonight?"

I told Carlin what a fan I was and his lady friend said how funny she thought I was. I would have loved to hear him say that as well, but that didn't spoil the moment for me. Although I do obsess about it from time to time.

The first time I met Carlin was about two years after that Bitter End performance, at the Auditorium Theater in Chicago. I somehow managed to wrangle my way backstage and told Carlin how much I loved his show. He thanked me and said, "Have a nice life".

George Carlin is one of the reasons why I have a standup life.

I don't know if Carlin believed in heaven, but wherever he is right now, I'm sure he's hard at work on a new hour of afterlife material.

Mission Accomplished

The New York Times reported that Exxon Mobil, Shell, Total and BP — the original partners in the Iraq Petroleum Company, before Sadaam Hussein nationalized the oil industry, — along with Chevron and a number of smaller oil companies, are in talks with Iraq’s Oil Ministry for no-bid contracts to service Iraq’s largest fields, according to ministry officials, oil company officials and an American diplomat.

So this war wasn't about oil? Yeah, right.

Bush and McCain Tank the Environment.
President Bush and John McCain called for an end to the 26 year moratorium on off shore oil drilling. If you destroy our oceans, our fish, and our wildlife, off shore and in the Arctic, no one is going to want to drive there anymore anyway. Not to be outdone, Dick Cheney announced he was in favor of drilling for oil in Guantanemo detainees.

McCain Against The Freedom He Says We're Fighting For In Iraq.
John McCain called the recent Supreme Court decision defending the right of Guantanemo detaines to a fair trial the worst decision ever made in the US. McCain thinks The Bill of Rights was the second worst.

You wouldn't think a guy who was a prisoner of war and a victim of torture, would be against protecting the rights of prisoners of war, and recently voted in favor of the use of torture. And McCain keeps insisting we will win this war. Unfortunately, as others have noted, the war he seems intent on winning is the Vietnam War. McCain thinks The Surge should include sending troops to Saigon.

McCain derides Obama for wanting to talk to our enemies. As if talking is some wimpy, weak form of behavior. This from a guy who answered a question about whether he would bomb Iran, by singing in his worst Beach Boys impression, "Bomb Bomb Bomb Bomb Bomb Iran."

McCain's twisted version of that song is topping the charts in Israel right now. The Israel military conducted exercises that supposedly are preparations for a possible attack on Iran's nuclear facilities. Which is a frighteningly stupid idea to everyone except Presidential candidates who sing, "Bomb Bomb Bomb Bomb Bomb Iran".

Fire Bush, not Willie Randolph.
The mainstream media, and most Democrats,viewed Dennis Kucinich's impeachment resolution as the work of some crackpot not to be taken seriously, instead of the utterly rational, reasonable proposal it is. The shabbily handled firing of Mets manager Willie Randolph got front page coverage, while the issue of firing a President and a war criminal got hardly any coverage at all. Democrats said that now was not the time to impeach Bush. When is a good time? When he's out of office?

Hillary Concedes That She Really Won

Hillary Clinton decided to endorse Barack Obama at a time when she thought it would have the most impact- Saturday at noon in the summer. Even Obama had the good sense to play golf instead of sitting at home on a beautiful warm day. That annoyed ardent Hillary supporters, who perhaps are unaware that they have these new fangled recording devices now that let you watch a speech after it's been delivered.

Hillary drew a large crowd on Saturday, but I'm guessing there were a lot of comps and TDF members.When Hillary spoke about herself and her campaign, she was positively glowing and effusive. When she talked about Obama, it was like she was reciting a homework assignment she didn't want to do. I understand how she felt, but at least she could have unenthusiastically delivered those words last Tuesday instead of waiting until Saturday. It's admirable to be a fighter who doesn't give up until the end. It's delusional when instead of conceding right after your opponent has won the nomination, you instead urge your supporters to email and tell you what you should do next. I would've have written, "Please turn on the news, you lost".

I think Hillary is a remarkably gifted and qualified candidate, but that doesn't excuse the irrational behavior of a tiny minority of her supporters. They want to punish elected officials who had the gall not to endorse Hillary, by supporting their opponents(P.S. Their opponents are Republicans). And any Hillary supporter who now says they will vote for McCain, instead of Obama, should be called what they really are. Either idiots or racists. No other explanation can account for voting for someone whose views are the polar opposite of the person you originally supported.

And when Hillary compared the primary rules(which she had approved) to elections in Zimbabwe, it showed yet another of her personalities. One that was totally devoid of judgement. If she ran for office in Zimbabwe, lost and complained about the election process, she would be jailed. If you lose in this country, people talk about you as a Vice Presidential candidate.

Hillary Clinton supporters should not blame Obama, or men in general, or the rules of the Democratic Party, for why Hillary lost. She lost because Barack Obama was a better candidate, a more inspiring, hopeful and consistent leader who stuck to his principles and convictions. And one more thing. Hillary Clinton voted for the war in Iraq. They counted all those votes-she was just on the wrong side of it. Maybe this would be a good time to use that quote: "The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars. But in ourselves."

No One Wants To Talk To Bush Either

Maybe if President Bush realized that talking to your adversaries is wiser than killing each other, the world leaders in this photo would talk to him.

But Bush thinks the US shouldn't talk to radicals, even though he talks to Jesus everyday.

World leaders always look so uncomfortable when they meet with President Bush. You'd feel that way too, if you had to talk to a guy who doesn't listen, and listen to a guy who doesn't speak in complete sentences. That's another form of torture from the Bush Administration.


Likening Barack Obama and Jimmy Carter to "Nazi appeasers" should be grounds for immediate impeachment. They shouldn't even let Bush back into the White House. They should just mail him what was in his desk in the Oval Office, including the crayons and coloring books.

Hillary Clinton defended Obama, making this the first time Bush was a uniter, not a divider.

Hillary continues to look for ways to change the inevitable. Next she'll claim that Obama's delegate count reached its expiration date, like frequent flyer miles.

While the press jumped on Obama for daring to call a reporter "Sweetie", it ignores the story of two top McCain campaign officials who resigned after it was revealed they did PR work for Myanmar. McCain hired them because he figured if they could make a vicious military junta look good, they could do wonders with him.

How would these morally challenged PR hacks spin Myanmar's refusal to allow immediate and unrestricted aid to the people unlucky enough to live in their clients's country?
Myanmar wanted to reduce its carbon footprint by only having one plane load of supplies every few days.

And what slogan would they come up with to make Myanmar look good? Here's one Bush would probably approve of.
MYANMAR: Our brutal regime commits crimes against humanity, but hey, at least we're not Nazi appeasers.

A Quick Passover of the Week

Hillary Clinton said this week she is ahead in the popular vote, because she counts the results of the Florida primary, where neither she nor Obama campaigned, and the Michigan primary, where Obama wasn't even on the ballot. Why stop there? Hillary should also include in her vote total, all of Bill Clinton's votes from 1992 and 1996, since she would like us to believe she was co-President during those years anyway.

Barack Obama was interviewed on Fox News Sunday. I thought Chris Wallace treated him fairly, but I question Fox's decision to run Arabic subtitles during the interview. Obama said that when he talked about bitter people who cling to religion and guns, he was referring to the staff of Fox News.

Condoleeza Rice condemned Jimmy Carter's meeting with Hamas as "not helpful". She said meeting with Hamas undermined the Administration's Middle East policy of doing nothing.

J Street, a progressive alternative to the American Israel Public Action Committee (AIPAC)opened their office in Washington this week. The building has no lobby.

Israel rejected a Hamas offer of a six month cease fire as "a game". As if a game is a bad thing. You have to be alive to play a game, which is a much better idea than killing innocent people on both sides.

The Justice Department told Congress that American intelligence operatives can legally use interrogation methods prohibited under international law, to thwart a terrorist attack. Or what they think is a terrorist attack. Or just to torture an Arab guy who was imprisoned for no reason. When asked if this violated the Geneva Convention, President Bush said he didn't see why the US had to follow what "a bunch of Swiss guys at a meeting think we should do".

Vice President Cheney said not only does he wear an American flag pin, but that he would gladly use it to torture someone with.

Wrapping up the week on a non-political note, I'm off to Las Vegas to perform my Standup for Peace show with Dean Obeidallah at UNLV. I like to play the quarter slot machines, and the way the real estate market is going, if I win ten quarters that would be enough to buy a condo in Las Vegas.

And I hope you had a nice Passover, even if you don't celebrate Passover. All holidays exist whether or not we acknowledge them. Which won't help me get booked at any atheist comedy shows in the near future. I'm personally glad Passover is over. I was going through leavened bread withdrawal.

Bush Will Sell Naming Rights To Iraq War

President Bush commemorated the 5th anniversary of the Iraq War, by winning the Only Person Who Still Thinks The Iraq War Was A Good Idea award. He shared the award with Dick Cheney and John McCain.

McCain visited Iraq, and said that although things were going very well now, one hundred years from now, our troops in Iraq will be doing even better. McCain said that Iran should stop helping Al Qaeda in Iraq, and then after Joe Lieberman whispered in his ear, McCain corrected himself and said what he meant to say was that he and Lieberman were war mongers.

With the US economy in recession, how will Bush continue to fund his war if Congress finally gets some backbone and cuts funding for the war?

The same way greedy owners of sports teams constantly raise ticket prices in direct proportion to how badly their team plays. And sell the naming rights to stadiums and arenas, that were originally named after people who actually accomplished something worthwhile in their life. William Shea, who helped bring the Mets to New York, had his name posthumously dropped from their new stadium in favor of Citigroup, which may well follow the lead of another failed company Enron, and go out of business during the first season in 2009.

Bush could sell the naming rights to the Iraq War to a bevy of suitors. What corrupt, immoral company wouldn't want to have their name associated with an illegal war fraudulently presented to an American public that doesn't pay attention to it anymore?

Halliburton would be the obvious choice since they've already benefited so much from the war, by screwing up everything they got their hands on-which pretty much sums up what the Bush Administration has done. But Blackwater could make a strong case too, because in a war where tens of thousands of innocent civilians have been killed, nobody kills them better than Blackwater.

Of course the mainstream media played a big part in spreading the fear and the lies of the Bush administration to a largely unquestioning American public and Congress. So how about Fox News presents The Iraq War? CNN would want to stay competitive with Fox, so maybe they could be co-sponsors of the war. Just think of the noisy graphics they could come up with for that.

In the end though, we have to give credit where credit is due. Sell the naming rights to all the elected officials, like John McCain and Hillary Clinton, who voted for the war, and have never apologized for doing so. And to the millions of Americans who can recite every detail about Dancing With The Stars and American Idol, but don't have the slightest idea what's going on in Iraq.

But we can only pick one person to have his name inextricably linked to this crime against humanity. So on the fifth anniversary of the Iraq War, let's rename it for the guy who started it all.

Bush's War.