The Philharmonic Should Conduct Our Foreign Policy

This is a human-to-human experience,” said Katherine Greene, a Philharmonic violist. “All of a sudden you have a basis for how we are the same,” Ms. Greene said. “This is always how it starts.”

The New York Philharmonic concert in North Korea last week did more for peaceful coexistence in one night, than the Bush administration has done for seven years.

But lest we get swept away with the thing Republicans hate most, hope, Condoleeza Rice, classical pianist and failed Secretary of State, set us straight by saying, "I don't think we should get carried away with what listening to Dvorak is going to do in North Korea." Condi wished the Philharmonic had played Axis of Evil Interlude in C Minor, followed by the Bomb North Korea Suite.

The Surge sounds like the name of a male enhancement product, but John McCain says it's working in Iraq. It's working so well that George W. Bush flies to Baghdad, unannounced, under the cover of darkness, and flees five hours later, while Mahmoud Ahmadinijan travels the streets in broad daylight and actually stays overnight.

If Bush had flown to Iraq and talked to Saddaam Hussein instead of invading and destroying his country, we wouldn't be at war, and we'd have 600 billion dollars more to spend in this country. Now that would be a surge everyone could be happy about. But if you're happy for more than four hours, consult a physician.

Bush doesn't believe in talking to other countries, he just likes to threaten them. And the Bully-In-Chief made fun of Obama's willingness to talk to Iran, Cuba, North Korea and everyone else. Talking is for sissies, Bush probably tells his wife. A real man doesn't talk, doesn't listen, he just acts-recklessly and stupidly.

Bush ignored the Middle East for seven years, and the results of that indifference are playing out in Gaza and Israel. There are more armed conflicts in more places around the world than I can ever remember. None of them can be solved militarily. Only talking can accomplish that. But the Bush administration is a dysfunctional family-they don't believe in talking.

Bring home the troops. And send in the musicians.

The Presidential Election Awards

7:30 pm Eastern Time
Why do I have this pressing need to finish this week's blog before the Oscars start?
I haven't seen any of the Best Picture nominees, and the only nominees of any kind I've seen are Sicko, No End In Sight and Persepolis. Over 40 million other people like me(well not exactly like me)will be doing the same thing. On the other hand, the highest rated Democratic debate this year drew 8.3 million viewers.

Maybe if they gave out awards during debates, more people would watch.

Best Unoriginal Attack Line a Candidate Didn't Write:
Hillary Clinton for "Change You Can Xerox".

Worst Piece of Straight Talk About Iraq:
John McCain for "We'll stay there for 100 years"

Biggest Waste of Time Question:
How are your health care plans different?
They've already explained that in every debate, in 14 languages. Besides, each candidate's "plan" will change before it's presented to Congress, anyway.

Best Response To A Question About the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict:
No winner because there were no questions about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Worst Campaign By A Candidate:
And, it's a tie! Rudy Giuliani for pinning all his hopes on Florida and losing badly. And Fred Thompson, for running a campaign that looked like he was just biding his time until the writer's strike ended. Could you imagine a Thompson-Giuliani ticket? Even their overenthusiastic, much younger wives wouldn't vote for it.

Worst President Ever:
Only one nominee. And the winner is: George W. Bush for the last seven years.

If giving out awards doesn't increase debate ratings, maybe they could have a red carpet where Regis Philbin and Joan Rivers asked the candidates the really hard hitting questions. Like, "What are you wearing tonight?"

A question Bush would have trouble answering, because this Emperor has no clothes.

Duck! It's straight shooter John McCain

Arizona Sen. John McCain, the leading Republican contender for president, is a co-sponsor of the amendment, which would allow gun owners to carry loaded, accessible firearms into national parks and wildlife refuges. Current regulations ban gun owners from carrying easy-to-reach firearms onto lands managed by the National Park Service and Fish and Wildlife Service.
Fresno Bee, February 16, 2008

In a week where gun violence killed five more college students, straight-talkin' John McCain wants more guns to be carried in more places. Especially in the places we fear most-national parks and wildlife refuges.

Who doesn't tremble at the thought of strolling through Yosemite without a loaded handgun? Danger lurks at every turn. The elderly woman behind the counter at the gift shop could, without warning, lunge at your child. Or worse-try to steal the 94 ounce drink he's guzzling.

And the threats posed by wildlife refuges are endless. That flock of pink flamingos might seem harmless, but who's to say your NRA pin won't set them off into uncontrolled mayhem?

McCain is assured now of getting the sought after endorsement of the Students for Concealed Carry on Campus. This group believes that all college students should be armed to the teeth, while still listening to their Ipods and texting their classmates.

And they have company. As of today, there are thirteen states considering legislation to expand firearm carry on campus.

No state is considering legislation to make it harder to buy a gun.

And no Presidential candidate, so far, has the courage to speak out for gun control. Gun control, their advisors say, is so 1980's. Which was when Ronald Reagan's Secretary of the Interior James Watt,who was rightfully the butt of many jokes, actually did the right thing. And introduced regulations banning loaded guns in national parks and wildlife refuge. And after Reagan and his press secretary were shot, the Brady Bill was actually passed.

You know we've hit rock bottom in this country, when you start pining for the days of Ronald Reagan and James Watt.

And once and for all, let's stop worrying about the rights of hunters. If you enjoy blowing away deer, who to my knowledge are unarmed, then you deserve to have a hard time buying a gun. No one should be allowed to buy any gun, without a background check and a waiting period. A hunter doesn't walk into a gun shop, and say "I need a gun right now, there's a deer over there." And hunters never, ever need a concealed weapon. When you're hunting deer, you really don't need the element of surprise. The deer knows you're not there for a photo shoot for the Discovery Channel.

John McCain might be "pro-life" when it comes to a fetus. But if you're strolling through a park, a wildlife refuge or a college campus, you're fair game.

Now we know the truth. The Straight Talk Express is armed.

Vote. In a Super Duper Kind of Way.

Barack Obama has done Letterman and The Daily Show, and packs 20,000 seat arenas. I've come to realize that he has the career I hope to have.

For those who doubt Obama's transforming powers, consider this. At the Izod Arena in New Jersey Monday, he actually got Robert DeNiro to speak. Full, clear sentences. Several of them. That's why I get the sense Obama is talking to me.

I can't understand the venom some otherwise bright people have for Hillary Clinton. While I support Obama, I think Hillary is an incredibly accomplished, able person who would be an excellent President.

The same people who hate Hillary have been largely silent about our indescribably atrocious current President. I asked one of those people the other day why he doesn't complain about Bush too. He said he hadn't paid attention to what Bush did for the last seven years. He said he's waiting for Bush's first term to come out on DVD. I started to tell him about the Iraq war, and he said, "Don't tell me, I wanna wait to see it on the DVD." The DVD has special features too, like a list of the 935 false statements Bush made about Iraq, in five different languages. Bush's speeches are all subtitled in English as well.

It was drizzling earlier today in New York City, which is enough to keep some people from voting.

I don't want to go outside and vote. I have to put a coat on, bring an umbrella, walk two blocks. Do they deliver? I'll have two Democrats and a coke. And I have a coupon for the cold sesame noodle."

I love voting. I even waved as I left the voting booth. No one noticed. Once I tried to vote in a primary election, and there was a sign outside the polling place that said.

"Primary cancelled due to uncontested races. Signed Vladimir Putin."

I think Giuliani's endorsement of McCain will actually take away votes from him in New York. Especially among firefighters and other first responders. I've never understood the logic of being endorsed by someone few people wanted in the first place. Giuliani campaigned like he was running for Mayor of New York. In Florida. His original campaign strategy was to skip all the primaries, and then stage a military coup with Bernie Kerik.

I'll be providing political humor commentary tonight from 9 pm to Midnight Eastern Time, on WFUV 90.7 FM, streaming live at wfuv.com.

Have a Super Duper Tuesday. And please vote.

State of the Non-Union

Even though we have to wait another 358 days before Bush's mailing address changes, his State of the Union address tomorrow night is his last one. If he knew the sorry state we're in, he would simply email his State of the Union instead of showing up. But the really twisted fact is that Bush thinks he's done a good job. Or at least that's what God told him. The only way Bush could salvage his legacy is if he came out and told the truth tomorrow night.

Ladies and gentlemen, I come before you tonight for the last time, to tell you and the American people, that I have been a total, abject failure as President of the United States.
(APPLAUSE)

Time does not permit me to go into all the things I've done to lower the bar, and appeal to the basest instincts of Americans. I have lied at least 935 times about Iraq, and our rush to war was an act of complete deception and manipulation.
(APPLAUSE)

But we have won the war, at least by the numbers.
On September 11, we lost about 3000 Americans. But since the war with Iraq started in 2003, hundreds of thousands of Iraqi civilians and soldiers have been killed. And almost 4000 US soldiers. So, if my math is correct, since my war killed more people than 9/11, we're the winner!
(ONLY DICK CHENEY APPLAUDS)

And yes, of course we believe in torture. Not only do we believe in it, we do it! Waterboarding, even though my Attorney General can't admit it, is torture. Bring it on!
(ATTORNEY GENERAL MICHAEL MUKASEY APPLAUDS)

And not only did God tell me to stop drinking and doing drugs, he also told me to demonize the Arab and Muslim world. And since I'm finally being honest here, I don't think Jews are going to heaven-not even Paul Wolfowitz. Heaven's just for Christians like me, and so is Crawford, Texas.

(ALL REPUBLICAN SENATORS AND CONGRESSMEN FROM TEXAS APPLAUD)

And finally, my last State of the Union finds our economy tanking. Millions of Americans are impoverished, with many more to follow. And you know what? I don't give a damn. As long as a bunch of CEO's make a billion dollars in severance between them, I'm happy.

(ALL SENATORS ABOUT TO RESIGN AND BECOME CORPORATE LOBBYISTS APPLAUD)

So that's about it. I'm the worst President ever. But I couldn't have done it without you. From my pals on the Supreme Court who subverted our democracy to anoint me President, to the spineless Republicans and Democrats who followed me like sheep into war with Iraq, and to the millions of Americans who actually meant to vote for me,
God Bless You.

(BUSH APPLAUDS. AND NO ONE ELSE.)

Bush's Economic Plan Stimulates Gucci

President Bush thinks the best way to stimulate the economy and avert a recession, is to give $800 to all Americans. Except low income Americans. Because they would just throw that money away on rent, food and medicine, instead of something useful like this $800 Gucci bag.

A government that gives money to everyone except poor people, is like an assisted living home that doesn't accept old people.

How come none of the Presidential candidates that I know of are linking our economic meltdown to the Iraq War?

The total spent on the Iraq war is projected to be about $611 billion by the end of this year.

According to the National Priorities Project, taxpayers where I live in Brooklyn, New York, have paid $3.9 billion for the cost of the Iraq War so far. That money could have paid for:

715,592 People with Health Care
or
7,369,921 Homes with Renewable Electricity
or
78,163 Public Safety Officers
or
55,008 Music and Arts Teachers
or
648,729 Scholarships for University Students
or
274 New Elementary Schools
or
22,377 Affordable Housing Units
or
1,355,973 Children with Health Care
or
447,619 Head Start Places for Children
or
47,356 Elementary School Teachers
or
59,162 Port Container Inspectors

But how would any of that help Halliburton?

Monday is Martin Luther King's Birthday, and it marks one year from the day when Bush will leave office. I'm sure that milestone will make Dr. King look down upon us and smile. And those desperate Republicans who invoke Ronald Reagan's name constantly, should be reminded that Reagan was no friend of Dr. King. In fact, if Reagan had ever done one of those old Memories of Martin public service announcements, what would Reagan's memory of Dr. King have been?
"I thought Martin Luther King was a communist, I was against making his birthday a holiday, and that's my memory of Martin."

We Won't Be Fooled Again, Or Will We?

ABU DHABI, United Arab Emirates — President Bush urged wary Persian Gulf allies on Sunday to rally against Iran “before it is too late,” even as the International Atomic Energy Agency announced that the country had agreed to answer outstanding questions about its nuclear programs within four weeks.
New York Times

Bush should be charged with plagiarizing his own speeches on Iraq in 2002 and 2003. His idea then of "before it was too late", was if he let the inspections run their course, they would have found that Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction. Bush wants Iran to be confronted now, before they're able to prove they're doing what we want them to do.

And then there are those dreaded Iranian speedboats. Calling speedboats a threat to US warships, sounds more like a headline in The Onion, than a rational observation. Speedboats aren't threats to warships; modest waves are threats to speedboats. And the person who filed a transmission saying "You will all explode in a few minutes", sounds more like a crazed Howard Stern hacker, than a terrorist. The footage the Pentagon released looks like some grainy You Tube video from Spring Break in Cancun. I figured that when talk of a recession started surfacing, Bush would be dragging Iran back into the picture. What better way to distract the American public from something that's really happening, than to whip up imaginary fears of menacing, all-powerful speedboats?

Would someone please tell Wolf Blitzer that there was nothing "shocking" about Hillary Clinton's victory in New Hampshire on Tuesday?

It would be shocking if the networks actually allowed all of the candidates to participate in debates, rather than the ones they think have a chance to win.

It would be shocking if voters realized that Mike Huckabee doing Leno and Letterman, isn't a reason to vote for him for President. If he did the Chabad Telethon however, that would be a reason to vote for him.

What's really shocking is that Bush thinks he can use the same script from 2002 to fool us again in 2008. And that he can probably convince the American people he's only using the old script because of the writers strike.