ABU DHABI, United Arab Emirates — President Bush urged wary Persian Gulf allies on Sunday to rally against Iran “before it is too late,” even as the International Atomic Energy Agency announced that the country had agreed to answer outstanding questions about its nuclear programs within four weeks.
New York Times
Bush should be charged with plagiarizing his own speeches on Iraq in 2002 and 2003. His idea then of "before it was too late", was if he let the inspections run their course, they would have found that Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction. Bush wants Iran to be confronted now, before they're able to prove they're doing what we want them to do.
And then there are those dreaded Iranian speedboats. Calling speedboats a threat to US warships, sounds more like a headline in The Onion, than a rational observation. Speedboats aren't threats to warships; modest waves are threats to speedboats. And the person who filed a transmission saying "You will all explode in a few minutes", sounds more like a crazed Howard Stern hacker, than a terrorist. The footage the Pentagon released looks like some grainy You Tube video from Spring Break in Cancun. I figured that when talk of a recession started surfacing, Bush would be dragging Iran back into the picture. What better way to distract the American public from something that's really happening, than to whip up imaginary fears of menacing, all-powerful speedboats?
Would someone please tell Wolf Blitzer that there was nothing "shocking" about Hillary Clinton's victory in New Hampshire on Tuesday?
It would be shocking if the networks actually allowed all of the candidates to participate in debates, rather than the ones they think have a chance to win.
It would be shocking if voters realized that Mike Huckabee doing Leno and Letterman, isn't a reason to vote for him for President. If he did the Chabad Telethon however, that would be a reason to vote for him.
What's really shocking is that Bush thinks he can use the same script from 2002 to fool us again in 2008. And that he can probably convince the American people he's only using the old script because of the writers strike.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Sunday, January 6, 2008
This Blog Is All About Change
Every Presidential candidate this week stole the theme of change from Barack Obama, because he did so well Tuesday in Iowa. Next, to confuse the voting public, they're all going to steal his name too. Except Giuliani, who would love to rename himself Mr. September 11. But he can't, because a professional wrestler has probably beat him to it.
The Republicans go on and on about how Ronald Reagan got the Berlin wall taken down, and then they drool over the thought of putting up their own wall on the border with Mexico. There are a lot of unemployed former East German security police they could hire to build that wall.
President Bush is visiting the Middle East this week. He'll be staying in a $2600 per night suite at the King David Hotel in Jerusalem. They were out of rooms at his first choice- an illegal settlement in the West Bank. This is Bush's first trip ever to Israel, where he's expected to visit the Wall. Not the wailing wall. He's going to visit the wall that separates Israelis from Palestinians, and Palestinians from their gardens and farms. But you know how Republicans love those border walls. Prime Minister Olmert said it's not a wall, it's a gated community. They have a clubhouse, there's entertainment on Saturday night.
I just realized I've gone a couple of paragraphs without mentioning change. So how about a change in the topics the candidates discuss.
They never discuss the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and if they do, it's the always helpful, "I stand by Israel" comment, and then they move on to the next topic. Israelis disagree with the Israeli government more than American politicians do. The candidates think that, if they criticize Israel even slightly, Alan Dershowitz will demand they drop out of the race.
And what about gun control? After every shooting at a school or at the mall, instead of hearing people talk about keeping guns out of everyone's hands, they talk about how we'd be better off if everyone had guns.
I wonder what some of the candidates will be doing years from now? Fred Thompson acts like he can't wait to jump back into the cast of Law and Order. Mike Huckabee could host the first late night evangelical crusade. Mitt Romney seems well suited to host an infomercial on How To Start Your Own Business With No Money Whatsoever.
And Barack Obama might be bringing about real change. As President of the United States.
The Republicans go on and on about how Ronald Reagan got the Berlin wall taken down, and then they drool over the thought of putting up their own wall on the border with Mexico. There are a lot of unemployed former East German security police they could hire to build that wall.
President Bush is visiting the Middle East this week. He'll be staying in a $2600 per night suite at the King David Hotel in Jerusalem. They were out of rooms at his first choice- an illegal settlement in the West Bank. This is Bush's first trip ever to Israel, where he's expected to visit the Wall. Not the wailing wall. He's going to visit the wall that separates Israelis from Palestinians, and Palestinians from their gardens and farms. But you know how Republicans love those border walls. Prime Minister Olmert said it's not a wall, it's a gated community. They have a clubhouse, there's entertainment on Saturday night.
I just realized I've gone a couple of paragraphs without mentioning change. So how about a change in the topics the candidates discuss.
They never discuss the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and if they do, it's the always helpful, "I stand by Israel" comment, and then they move on to the next topic. Israelis disagree with the Israeli government more than American politicians do. The candidates think that, if they criticize Israel even slightly, Alan Dershowitz will demand they drop out of the race.
And what about gun control? After every shooting at a school or at the mall, instead of hearing people talk about keeping guns out of everyone's hands, they talk about how we'd be better off if everyone had guns.
I wonder what some of the candidates will be doing years from now? Fred Thompson acts like he can't wait to jump back into the cast of Law and Order. Mike Huckabee could host the first late night evangelical crusade. Mitt Romney seems well suited to host an infomercial on How To Start Your Own Business With No Money Whatsoever.
And Barack Obama might be bringing about real change. As President of the United States.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
The End Of The YEAR As We Know It
2007 went by much too fast, but at least we're that much closer to the end of the Bush-Cheney regime.
I'm a liberal Jewish political comedian, so although I hate what they have done and continue to do to our country, I don't wish them ill personally. This summer, Bush had a colonoscopy. Apparently, he was having headaches. Bush temporarily turned over the powers of the Presidency to Cheney. I though he already did that in 2001. The White House even put a spin on Bush's colonoscopy. They said doctors found three polyps and five weapons of mass destruction.
Mike Huckabee keeps proving that having a sense of humor, and bringing your own laundry to the front desk at the Holiday Inn, doesn't make you qualified to be President. His reaction to the tragedy in Pakistan this week, was to say how we need a border fence with Mexico more than ever, to keep Pakistanis out. If he was trying to be funny, that would have been a wildly absurd joke, but sadly this is what he really believes. Or what God told him to believe.
Huckabee had a commercial in Iowa, where the words "Christian Leader" were superimposed. Somehow, in an age where politicians wear their religion on both sleeves, this didn't create an outcry. If the late Rabbi Menachem Schneerson was running for President, and had an ad which said "Hasidic Leader", the reaction would have been a little different.
There's no end in sight for the Writers Guild strike. But doesn't it seem that all of the Republican Presidential candidates, and some of the Democrats too, have had their writers on strike since the beginning of the campaign? If you got your news from Republican debates, you would think that the biggest threat to our country was 12 million illegal immigrants working harder than most Americans, to send their meager pay to their families back home. They're not threats, they're role models. Fear mongers like Tom Tancredo, who dropped out of the race because he would have gotten absolutely no votes, are threats to this country. Not illegal immigrants.
I just got back from San Francisco, where I had the privilege of working with a true comedy legend Shelley Berman, at Lisa Geduldig's Kung Pao Kosher Comedy shows. Getting to watch Shelley onstage, and talk with him offstage, was a master class in comedy.
I loved being in California, a state where Bush's popularity is the lowest in the country. He's down to 23. Not percent. Just 23.
This time next year, we will have elected a new, hopefully Democratic, President.
We have a lot to look forward to.
Have a Happy, Healthy and very funny New Year.
I'm a liberal Jewish political comedian, so although I hate what they have done and continue to do to our country, I don't wish them ill personally. This summer, Bush had a colonoscopy. Apparently, he was having headaches. Bush temporarily turned over the powers of the Presidency to Cheney. I though he already did that in 2001. The White House even put a spin on Bush's colonoscopy. They said doctors found three polyps and five weapons of mass destruction.
Mike Huckabee keeps proving that having a sense of humor, and bringing your own laundry to the front desk at the Holiday Inn, doesn't make you qualified to be President. His reaction to the tragedy in Pakistan this week, was to say how we need a border fence with Mexico more than ever, to keep Pakistanis out. If he was trying to be funny, that would have been a wildly absurd joke, but sadly this is what he really believes. Or what God told him to believe.
Huckabee had a commercial in Iowa, where the words "Christian Leader" were superimposed. Somehow, in an age where politicians wear their religion on both sleeves, this didn't create an outcry. If the late Rabbi Menachem Schneerson was running for President, and had an ad which said "Hasidic Leader", the reaction would have been a little different.
There's no end in sight for the Writers Guild strike. But doesn't it seem that all of the Republican Presidential candidates, and some of the Democrats too, have had their writers on strike since the beginning of the campaign? If you got your news from Republican debates, you would think that the biggest threat to our country was 12 million illegal immigrants working harder than most Americans, to send their meager pay to their families back home. They're not threats, they're role models. Fear mongers like Tom Tancredo, who dropped out of the race because he would have gotten absolutely no votes, are threats to this country. Not illegal immigrants.
I just got back from San Francisco, where I had the privilege of working with a true comedy legend Shelley Berman, at Lisa Geduldig's Kung Pao Kosher Comedy shows. Getting to watch Shelley onstage, and talk with him offstage, was a master class in comedy.
I loved being in California, a state where Bush's popularity is the lowest in the country. He's down to 23. Not percent. Just 23.
This time next year, we will have elected a new, hopefully Democratic, President.
We have a lot to look forward to.
Have a Happy, Healthy and very funny New Year.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Military Strike
The Writers Guild strike has no end in sight, Broadway stagehands recently ended their walkout, and the Directors Guild has begun their contract negotiations. These job actions, while justified, deprive people of their entertainment options. Why can't there be strikes by the people who do things we wish they would stop doing? Let's take our military in Iraq, for example.
While Congress is unable or unwilling to bring our troops home expeditiously, a military strike would accomplish a similiar result. And not the kind of military strike that Turkey inflicted upon northern Iraq yesterday, or US forces carry out in Iraq and Afghanistan. No, a genuine military strike where soldiers refuse to fight, lay down their weapons, and write picket signs instead. Picture this conversation between a soldier and military brass.
PENTAGON: What are your strike demands?
SOLDIER: No more killing.
PENTAGON: But you're a soldier. Killing is part of the job description.
SOLDIER: Then change our job description. How about replacing killing with talking?
PENTAGON: You're not trained to talk.
SOLDIER: I think that's a skill you can pick up without training.
PENTAGON: So if you don't kill the enemy, won't they kill you?
SOLDIER: That's where the talking comes in. Everyone wants something. We can find out what they want, tell them what we want, and try to make everyone happy.
PENTAGON: That won't make Halliburton happy.
Newspaper ad next season
Get your human growth hormones autographed by your favorite major league baseball stars!
And on the campaign trail...Oprah Winfrey campaigned last week for Barack Obama. Desperately searching for his own celebrity to support him, Mike Huckabee said he would have Jesus campaign with him. When told of Jesus's lack of availability, Huckabee said he was not aware that Jesus was no longer alive, saying he had been campaigning nonstop and didn't have time to get the news.
While Congress is unable or unwilling to bring our troops home expeditiously, a military strike would accomplish a similiar result. And not the kind of military strike that Turkey inflicted upon northern Iraq yesterday, or US forces carry out in Iraq and Afghanistan. No, a genuine military strike where soldiers refuse to fight, lay down their weapons, and write picket signs instead. Picture this conversation between a soldier and military brass.
PENTAGON: What are your strike demands?
SOLDIER: No more killing.
PENTAGON: But you're a soldier. Killing is part of the job description.
SOLDIER: Then change our job description. How about replacing killing with talking?
PENTAGON: You're not trained to talk.
SOLDIER: I think that's a skill you can pick up without training.
PENTAGON: So if you don't kill the enemy, won't they kill you?
SOLDIER: That's where the talking comes in. Everyone wants something. We can find out what they want, tell them what we want, and try to make everyone happy.
PENTAGON: That won't make Halliburton happy.
Newspaper ad next season
Get your human growth hormones autographed by your favorite major league baseball stars!
And on the campaign trail...Oprah Winfrey campaigned last week for Barack Obama. Desperately searching for his own celebrity to support him, Mike Huckabee said he would have Jesus campaign with him. When told of Jesus's lack of availability, Huckabee said he was not aware that Jesus was no longer alive, saying he had been campaigning nonstop and didn't have time to get the news.
Monday, December 10, 2007
CIA Tapes Were On My Netflix Queue
The White House said it begged, begged the CIA not to destroy those interrogation tapes. I mean, the last thing the White House would want destroyed is direct evidence that the United States uses torture.
Besides, the tapes showed detainees being waterboarded, which isn't torture according to President Bush and Attorney General Mulkasey; it's just a refreshing pick me up. So if the tapes showed waterboarding, and waterboarding isn't torture, then The White House would have wanted everyone to see the tapes, because there's no torture shown on them. In fact, I'm sure Bush and Cheney would have loved to have submitted the CIA tapes to the Human Rights Watch Film Festival.
Other torture tapes the CIA is thought to have destroyed include:
1) Every Bush news conference since he took office.
2) Every Bush speech since he took office.
3) Every episode of Comedy Central's Mind of Mencia.
And, doesn't the fact that the CIA still uses tapes and not DVD's, say something about its technological capability?
The National Intelligence Estimate said Iran ended its nuclear program in 2003. Bush reacted to that news the way any irrational, reckless and intellectually challenged person would. He said "Iran was dangerous, and is dangerous." Iran's most potent weapons are persian rugs. I guess Bush fears the US being rolled up in wool berber.
Mitt Romney gave a speech about religion, where he basically urged voters not to let his being a Mormon stop them from voting for a morally bankrupt, vapid, intellectually dishonest multimillionaire.
And on a self-indulgent note, I hope you'll join me this Thursday December 13, for my look back at 2007, The End Of The Year As We Know It, at Vox Pop, 1022 Cortelyou Road(at Stratford Road) Ditmas Park, Brooklyn at 8:30 PM. Sadly for me, it's free!
Besides, the tapes showed detainees being waterboarded, which isn't torture according to President Bush and Attorney General Mulkasey; it's just a refreshing pick me up. So if the tapes showed waterboarding, and waterboarding isn't torture, then The White House would have wanted everyone to see the tapes, because there's no torture shown on them. In fact, I'm sure Bush and Cheney would have loved to have submitted the CIA tapes to the Human Rights Watch Film Festival.
Other torture tapes the CIA is thought to have destroyed include:
1) Every Bush news conference since he took office.
2) Every Bush speech since he took office.
3) Every episode of Comedy Central's Mind of Mencia.
And, doesn't the fact that the CIA still uses tapes and not DVD's, say something about its technological capability?
The National Intelligence Estimate said Iran ended its nuclear program in 2003. Bush reacted to that news the way any irrational, reckless and intellectually challenged person would. He said "Iran was dangerous, and is dangerous." Iran's most potent weapons are persian rugs. I guess Bush fears the US being rolled up in wool berber.
Mitt Romney gave a speech about religion, where he basically urged voters not to let his being a Mormon stop them from voting for a morally bankrupt, vapid, intellectually dishonest multimillionaire.
And on a self-indulgent note, I hope you'll join me this Thursday December 13, for my look back at 2007, The End Of The Year As We Know It, at Vox Pop, 1022 Cortelyou Road(at Stratford Road) Ditmas Park, Brooklyn at 8:30 PM. Sadly for me, it's free!
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Scary Foreign Policy Now 50% Off!
The US dollar is decreasing in value, in direct proportion to the value the US has to the rest of the world. Halliburton is now overcharging the Pentagon in euros. And in light of our reckless and dangerous foreign policy, it seems appropriate that foreigners only think of the US as a great place to get Timberland boots at bargain prices. We've gone from being a beacon of hope and opportunity to the world, to just being a huge clearance sale.
But if you watched the Republican debate, you would think the US is still THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD! And if you judge a country's greatness by the number of detainees held indefinitely at Guantanemo, by our support for torture at the highest levels of government, and our bullying approach to international affairs, then yes, WE ARE NUMBER ONE!
In the last Democratic debate, virtually all the Democratic and Republican candidates(except Dodd, Kucinich and maybe Richardson) favored continuing the inane policy of not having relations with Cuba. The Bush Administration says they won't deal with Cuba until Cuba becomes like the US. To accomplish that, Cuba would have to make its health care and education system worse.
The government of Sudan is guilty of crimes against humanity, but they do have a sick sense of humor. How else could you explain their conviction of a British teacher who committed the heinous sin of asking her students to name a teddy bear?Since many of the kids in the class(as well as tens of millions of boys around the world) are named Muhammad, they went with that name for the stuffed animal. Just as a class in the Hasidic enclave of Borough Park, Brooklyn would probably name their teddy bear Moshe. And a class in Greenwich, Connecticut would name its teddy bear Biff. Maybe Sudan should focus a little less on teddy bears, and a little more on the hundreds of thousands of real people, who have been killed on their watch in Darfur.
Last Tuesday, the Middle East Summit was held at the ideal place for peace talks, the US Naval Academy. Men and women walking around in military uniforms provide just the right ambiance for negotiating an end to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
After doing absolutely nothing for seven years, Condi Rice is desperate to have something that looks good on her resume when she interviews for a job a year from now. Bush told Abbas and Olmert, "Call me whenever you like", with the sincerity of an ex-girlfriend saying she still wanted to stay in touch. In this era of lowered expectations, the Summit was considered by some to be a success, because the two sides agreed to, TALK! But not too much talk, and don't rush into talking about anything substantive. They pledged to come up with an agreement a year from now. I thought I was a procrastinator. At least when I put off doing things that can further my career, no lives are lost as a result.
But then I saw in Haaretz today, that Olmert thinks an agreement by the end of 2008 is unlikely. So essentially, the summit brought the two sides together not to talk about ending the conflict, but to keep talking until the end of next year, when it would be nice if they negotiated a peace deal, but if they don't, there's no harm done. And they should call Bush whenever they like. Because when it comes to not finding peace, Bush is just the right guy to call.
But if you watched the Republican debate, you would think the US is still THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD! And if you judge a country's greatness by the number of detainees held indefinitely at Guantanemo, by our support for torture at the highest levels of government, and our bullying approach to international affairs, then yes, WE ARE NUMBER ONE!
In the last Democratic debate, virtually all the Democratic and Republican candidates(except Dodd, Kucinich and maybe Richardson) favored continuing the inane policy of not having relations with Cuba. The Bush Administration says they won't deal with Cuba until Cuba becomes like the US. To accomplish that, Cuba would have to make its health care and education system worse.
The government of Sudan is guilty of crimes against humanity, but they do have a sick sense of humor. How else could you explain their conviction of a British teacher who committed the heinous sin of asking her students to name a teddy bear?Since many of the kids in the class(as well as tens of millions of boys around the world) are named Muhammad, they went with that name for the stuffed animal. Just as a class in the Hasidic enclave of Borough Park, Brooklyn would probably name their teddy bear Moshe. And a class in Greenwich, Connecticut would name its teddy bear Biff. Maybe Sudan should focus a little less on teddy bears, and a little more on the hundreds of thousands of real people, who have been killed on their watch in Darfur.
Last Tuesday, the Middle East Summit was held at the ideal place for peace talks, the US Naval Academy. Men and women walking around in military uniforms provide just the right ambiance for negotiating an end to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
After doing absolutely nothing for seven years, Condi Rice is desperate to have something that looks good on her resume when she interviews for a job a year from now. Bush told Abbas and Olmert, "Call me whenever you like", with the sincerity of an ex-girlfriend saying she still wanted to stay in touch. In this era of lowered expectations, the Summit was considered by some to be a success, because the two sides agreed to, TALK! But not too much talk, and don't rush into talking about anything substantive. They pledged to come up with an agreement a year from now. I thought I was a procrastinator. At least when I put off doing things that can further my career, no lives are lost as a result.
But then I saw in Haaretz today, that Olmert thinks an agreement by the end of 2008 is unlikely. So essentially, the summit brought the two sides together not to talk about ending the conflict, but to keep talking until the end of next year, when it would be nice if they negotiated a peace deal, but if they don't, there's no harm done. And they should call Bush whenever they like. Because when it comes to not finding peace, Bush is just the right guy to call.
Monday, November 26, 2007
The Hunt for Illegal Nuts
You can find productions of The Nutcracker virtually everywhere this holiday season.
This item appeared in the New York Times on Thursday:
Israel has asked for help from the United States in cracking down on illegal pistachio nut imports from Iran, after Washington warned that the trade was hurting efforts to curb Tehran's nuclear program.
I think the hunt for "illegal nuts" should focus on the occupants of The White House, who fit that description perfectly.
Israel imports pistachios worth $26 million annually, mostly from Turkey. But Washington says nuts from Iran are mixed in with the shipments, undermining economic sanctions meant to force Iran to stop developing its nuclear abilities.
How fitting that nuts from Turkey and Iran get mixed together. Both kinds of nuts deny genocide. If part of the US's bullying approach to stop Iran from building nuclear weapons involves monitoring sales of pistachio nuts, you have to wonder who the real nuts are.
The latest spin on Iraq this week is that THINGS ARE GOING REALLY WELL NOW! Maybe it's not that progress is being made, it's that eventually even horrible, despicable things have to wind down for the time being. And the so-called progress is 1000 Iraqis returning to Baghdad, out of 4 million who fled the country. The media reports that things are getting back to normal in Baghdad are probably plagiarized from stories like NEW ORLEANS IS READY FOR BUSINESS! The recent election results that gave the New Orleans City Council a white majority, show that New Orleans may be ready for business, but apparently not ready for black people. For most of us, Katrina was a humanitarian disaster. To some Republicans, it was just redistricting.
When President Bush flew over New Orleans after Katrina, he remarked about the partying he used to do there, and also about Senator Trent Lott losing his multimillion dollar Mississippi Gulf summer home. While I felt sorry for Lott's housing loss, I'm certainly not sorry that he announced today that he would retire from the Senate at the end of the year. Lott almost had to resign after he said that our country would have been better off if deceased bigot Strom Thurmond had been elected President. Lott tried to back down. He went on Black Entertainment Television, he changed his name to "T Lotty". But Lott was just showing his true color(white). He once spoke at a white supremacist meeting and afterwards he claimed he had no idea who the group was. I would have thought the hooded sheets might have been a tipoff.
This item appeared in the New York Times on Thursday:
Israel has asked for help from the United States in cracking down on illegal pistachio nut imports from Iran, after Washington warned that the trade was hurting efforts to curb Tehran's nuclear program.
I think the hunt for "illegal nuts" should focus on the occupants of The White House, who fit that description perfectly.
Israel imports pistachios worth $26 million annually, mostly from Turkey. But Washington says nuts from Iran are mixed in with the shipments, undermining economic sanctions meant to force Iran to stop developing its nuclear abilities.
How fitting that nuts from Turkey and Iran get mixed together. Both kinds of nuts deny genocide. If part of the US's bullying approach to stop Iran from building nuclear weapons involves monitoring sales of pistachio nuts, you have to wonder who the real nuts are.
The latest spin on Iraq this week is that THINGS ARE GOING REALLY WELL NOW! Maybe it's not that progress is being made, it's that eventually even horrible, despicable things have to wind down for the time being. And the so-called progress is 1000 Iraqis returning to Baghdad, out of 4 million who fled the country. The media reports that things are getting back to normal in Baghdad are probably plagiarized from stories like NEW ORLEANS IS READY FOR BUSINESS! The recent election results that gave the New Orleans City Council a white majority, show that New Orleans may be ready for business, but apparently not ready for black people. For most of us, Katrina was a humanitarian disaster. To some Republicans, it was just redistricting.
When President Bush flew over New Orleans after Katrina, he remarked about the partying he used to do there, and also about Senator Trent Lott losing his multimillion dollar Mississippi Gulf summer home. While I felt sorry for Lott's housing loss, I'm certainly not sorry that he announced today that he would retire from the Senate at the end of the year. Lott almost had to resign after he said that our country would have been better off if deceased bigot Strom Thurmond had been elected President. Lott tried to back down. He went on Black Entertainment Television, he changed his name to "T Lotty". But Lott was just showing his true color(white). He once spoke at a white supremacist meeting and afterwards he claimed he had no idea who the group was. I would have thought the hooded sheets might have been a tipoff.
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