Oh What A Night

If you wrote a script that told the story of what happened last night, people would have said it was too far fetched and it could never happen. And that people aren't buying political scripts.

But last night really happened. And it went almost exactly the way we hoped it would.

After all, hope is what the Obama campaign was all about. And where there's laughter, there's hope. So when people ask political comedians like myself which candidate would be better for comedy, I tell them "Country First. Comedy Second."

I spent the hours leading up to and following Obama's victory co-hosting the Election Night coverage on WFUV Radio in New York. My wife Ruth sat in the newsroom with mostly Obama supporters who tried to suppress their growing enthusiasm out of respect for journalistic integrity. As a comedian, not a journalist, I whooped it up off air in a slightly restrained way, as each Obama state was announced. On the air, I saw the AP flash appear at the bottom of the Associated Press "wire". It said simply, "Obama wins Presidency".

After George Bodarky, WFUV news director announced the big news, I talked about a friend of my wife and I who recently moved here from Gabon in Africa, where my wife served in the Peace Corps. I repeated what she told my wife moments earlier.

"This is the America I came here for."

As anxious as we all were about this election, we now feel relieved. First, there was no Bradley Effect. Second, the Bradley Effect only happened twice, and hopefully will never manifest itself again. And finally, Obama won states that Democrats haven't won for a long time. And rural white voters helped make that happen.

Here in New York, the Democrats control the Governor's office and the State Senate and Assembly for the first time since 1935. The President that year was FDR. And hopefully, the Obama Presidency will bring us a 2009 version of The New Deal.

It would have been a perfect night if Al Franken had won. Although he still might after the recount. Most candidates have to defend their votes. Franken had to defend his jokes. And ran an admirable campaign. That Senate seat belonged to Paul Wellstone, who was killed tragically and somewhat mysteriously right before the last election in 2002. Wellstone was a passionate progressive who is the role model for the way our leaders should be. And he was my wife's political science professor at Carleton College. Hopefully the recount will replace Norm Coleman, who was a very unworthy successor to Wellstone.

Barack Obama achieved the greatest happiness of his life last night. Just days after the woman who helped shape his life, his grandmother, passed away. But the AP flashed this bit of news as well. His grandmother's absentee ballot was going to count, because her death certificate was filed after the ballot was received.

So even after her death, Barack Obama's grandmother's voice was heard.
And for the first time in a long, long time, our voices were heard too.

McCain Reveals He Made Prank Call to Palin

John McCain revealed today that the Canadian comics who made a prank call to Sarah Palin were not the first to do so. McCain said he made a prank call to Palin after deciding on his Vice-Presidential running mate. The transcript follows:

McCain: Hi Sarah, this is John McCain.
Palin: Oh my gosh, I can't believe you're calling me!
McCain: I can't believe you actually gave me your real phone number on that matchbook.
Palin: Us Alaskan gals are straight shooters.
McCain: Then I guess Dick Cheney isn't Alaskan. Heh, heh.
Palin: You betcha he isn't.
McCain: Here's a kneeslapper for you. What do you call an Eskimo taking off one of their seven layers of outerwear?
Palin: I love riddles! I don't know, what?
McCain: An Alaskan porno film.
Palin: Boy, you sure keep those jokes comin', don't cha.
McCain: They don't call me the Straight Talk Express for nothing.
Palin: I though that nickname meant you worked on the railroad.
McCain: The reason I'm calling you Sarah is because I'm the Republican nominee for President...
Palin: I hadn't heard that. Are they having those elections again this year?
McCain: They have Presidential elections every four years.
Palin: Oh, I thought they just did that with the Olympics.
McCain: Sarah, I'd like you to be my Vice-Presidential running mate.
Palin: Oh my gosh Mr. McCain that's sooo flattering, but I'm married.
McCain: Sarah, I want you to be on my ticket as Vice-President.
Palin: Me? Wow, that's great. What does the Vice-President do again?
McCain: Basically you stay out of sight during the campaign and go to state funerals when you're in The White House.
Palin: Cool. Can I get money for some swanky funeral duds?
McCain: How does $150,000 sound?
Palin: Great. I'd love to be your Vice-President!

(At this point, Palin's cellphone loses the call. McCain is unaware of this and keeps talking)

McCain: Sarah, actually I gotta tell you that you've been pranked or punked or whatever they call it. I love a practical joke. How could I pick you as my running mate? You're not qualified to be Vice-President or President. Anyway, I picked my good friend Joe Lieberman to be my running mate.
Hope you didn't mind the prank. Bye, Sarah.

After Palin's cellphone lost the call, she called every media outlet in Alaska to break the good news that she was McCain's VP choice. After the news broke, McCain couldn't admit that the whole thing had been a big joke.

God Endorses Kay Hagan

Making his first political endorsement since the beginning of time, God endorsed Kay Hagan for the Senate in North Carolina.

God said he or she was supporting Hagan because of Elizabeth Dole's commercial implying Hagan was an atheist. "Kay Hagan believes in me", said God. "And I should know."

God went on to say how fed up he or she was with being mentioned constantly by political candidates. "Hey, whatever happened to the separation of church and state?", the deity added. "I've got an ego like anyone else in the public eye, but there's a time and place for mentioning my name. Like the church, synagogue, mosque or venue of your choice. But not the political arena."

God lashed out at Sarah Palin's comment about a $30 billion national gas pipeline in Alaska. Palin said "I think God's will has to be done in unifying people and companies to get that gas line built, so pray for that."

"How does she know what I want?", God asked. "There are a lot more important things to pray for than a gas pipeline. You can start with praying that she doesn't become Vice-President."

God also took issue with Palin's statement that "our national leaders are sending [U.S. soldiers] out on a task that is from God."

"I didn't tell them to invade Iraq, George W. Bush did. I'm tired of all this senseless killing in my name. If I had intended man to kill in war, I wouldn't have put apples on the Tree of Life, I would have put grenades. And I would have changed the name of the tree."

God declined to offer an endorsement for President, but he or she added, "One of the candidates has the ability to bring great change to the world. But I'm not going to point to him and say, 'That one'. Because sometimes, people just have to figure these things out for themselves."

Shepard Smith Redeems Fox News for Five Minutes

For liberals who want to wake up in the morning without caffeine, Fox News provides the adrenaline they need. Writing copy for Fox News during the election campaign means copying the Republican playbook and pasting it verbatim on the teleprompter. No baseless charge against Obama is too baseless for Fox. It is not even journalism of the lowest order. It is simply the lowest order, with no journalism involved.

That's why Shepard Smith's interview with Joe The Plumber was so transformational for Fox. Joe(not his real name) the Plumber(unlicensed) had a news conference Wednesday, the same day he announced he had a publicist, an agent and was looking to land a country music record deal and/or run for Congress. Just the kind of thing average working Joes do.

In his interview with Shepard Smith, Joe said that he agreed with a questioner at the news conference that "a vote for Obama means Death to Israel". I expected Smith, like all good Fox anchors, to egg Joe on even more, and to get him to say Obama was a terrorist who wanted to destroy Israel.

But then something wonderful happened. Smith began to challenge Joe on why he would say that. Joe answered, "Well, I'm not an expert on foreign policy so I'm asking your viewers to do the research to find out why I think that". Smith went on to say twice that Barack Obama has stated firmly many times that he is a strong supporter of Israel, and that the United States will always be a friend of Israel.

And after the interview ended, Smith repeated that statement, and then, seeming to refer to statements by Joe The Plumber and other uninformed purveyors of malicious misinformation about Obama, Shepard Smith, Fox News anchor said, "Man, things are getting scary".

If the Republicans lose Fox News, how can they expect to win this election?

Like The Emperor, Sarah Palin Has No Clothes

Sarah Palin defended the $150,000 the RNC spent on her clothing by describing how inexpensive her jewelry was. It's a few days before the election, and she's talking accessories. She doesn't sound like a Vice Presidential candidate. She sounds like a host on QVC.

After saying that Obama is a socialist who would take away your property and money, as well as other certifiably insane comments, the only article of clothing she needed was a straightjacket.

Palin already had clothes. They should have spent the money on foreign policy tutors, domestic policy tutors, history tutors, geography tutors, math tutors and grammar tutors. And since teachers are notoriously underpaid, they could have gotten all that for closer to $23,000. Which is the amount Palin's traveling makeup artist got paid the first two weeks of October, making her the highest paid member of the McCain campaign during that period. And Palin's traveling hair stylist got $10,000. Of course she was called a "communications consultant". When the press asked Palin a question, she said "Talk to the hair".

John McCain said he's not George W. Bush. Now he says he's not John McCain.

McCain has reinvented himself into a worse candidate than he was in 2000, when he was a Republican you could at least respect while you disagreed with him. The 2000 McCain would have publicly mocked Joe The Plumber. Today he invited him to a rally, and when McCain introduced him, Joe The Plumber wasn't even there. When you get dissed by a famous yet functionally illiterate ignoramus, you know the campaign is not going well.

The Florida local anchorwoman who asked Joe Biden if Obama was a Marxist must have attended the Joseph McCarthy School of Journalism. She also asked Biden if our days as a superpower are over if Obama is elected. With questions like that, her days on local news should be over. Instead she'll probably get her own show on Fox News, co-anchoring with Joe The Plumber.

Will Elisabeth Hasselbeck Endorsement Be Game Changer for McCain-Palin?

When Elisabeth Hasselbeck introduced Sarah Palin at rallies in Florida today, the two looked like they were auditioning for a right wing version of "The View" for Fox News.

The coveted Hasselbeck endorsement, along with Patricia Heaton and Kelsey Grammer, means McCain-Palin has received the support of all three conservative entertainment personalities.

Yet John McCain's poll numbers continue to fall so much that he now opens his speeches with "My friend".

I just performed at a fundraiser for a new film called "Maximum Fun". Sounds like the story of John McCain's years at the Naval Academy. What's more fun than finishing fifth from the bottom of your class?

John McCain continues to be obsessed with Joe The Plumber. I expect Sarah Palin to give a speech on abstinence and talk about Linda The Tramp.

Palin seems to suggest that real Americans drop their g's. That has alienated voters in New England, who believe that real Americans drop their r's.

I think the only reason there are still undecided voters is that they hope to be featured in an undecided voters segment on CNN.

Here in New York City, an undecided voter is someone who's not sure if they're going to vote for Obama at the polls, or by absentee ballot.

That doesn't mean Democrats in New York don't ever do things the way Republicans do. They just do it on a different scale.

For example, John McCain has nine luxury homes. Charlie Rangel has four rent-controlled studios.

"Live From New York, It's Someone Who Shouldn't Be Vice President!"

What exactly was the point of Sarah Palin appearing on SNL?

The reason for a politician to appear on a television show, is to give us a side of them we haven't seen. Palin set out to show that she can be light and fluffy, when the whole country already knows that's all she is. If Palin wanted to show us a side of her that's actually intelligent and thoughtful, she would have done an hour with Charlie Rose(which comes out to 30 minutes after Charlie is done talking).

Even the worst, scariest politicians have the ability to talk to the media, and somehow find the words to hide how horrible they are. But how horrifically wrong for higher office do you have to be to avoid talking to the press altogether?

If we were voting for a new cast member for "Up with People", or a local weatherperson in Anchorage, Palin's stint on SNL would have put her in a good light. But she is a candidate for Vice President, and the only thing being on SNL did was to shroud the McCain-Palin campaign in even more darkness.

For every Saturday Night Live appearance, a candidate should be required to do Meet The Press, Face The Nation and This Week. For every Larry King spot, a candidate should be forced to do three news conferences.

It's disturbing to think that some voters will actually think better of Palin because she can take a joke, even though she can't take an intelligent stand on serious issues.

But being able to take a joke is meaningless, if your candidacy is already a joke.