The End Of The Week As We Know It

My Debatable Weekend

2012-01-09T15:31:00.001-05:00

From Saturday night until Sunday morning, we were given a taste of what life would be like if there was a 24 hour Republican presidential debate channel.

Saturday's debate followed the adventure game show Wipeout where contestants tried to navigate a moving obstacle course suspended over water. Even though the Wipeout contestants often emerged soaked and battered, they emerged from the chilly waters with more dignity than most of the GOP candidates.

A year from now, one of the candidates in the debates this weekend will be doing reverse mortgage commercials.

Jon Huntsman kept his dignity intact and won both debates. Not just for what he said, but for the fact he finally got to say anything at all. Like many people, when I first heard Huntsman speak Saturday night, I thought "Oh, so that's what he sounds like."

With the elocution, looks and demeanor of someone who would have played the part of the president in a 1950's film, Huntsman proved that by speaking with intelligence and wisdom, and at times, in Mandarin, you completely alienate the Republican base. Even though Huntsman is an authentic dyed-in-the-wool conservative who hasn't done a Romney flip-flop, he is looked upon by Republicans as an alien from another political party. Even though he would be the GOP's strongest candidate if they were willing to take him seriously.

The real question is how Republicans can take any of the other candidates seriously. When Newt Gingrich passionately defended marriage as a "sacrament", which is at the very foundation of our society, you might rightly wonder how this twice divorced philanderer qualifies as an expert on that institution.

After some early comments, Rick Perry disappeared from the first debate (I think he flew to South Carolina ), until the final question, when he was asked "If you weren't here, what would you be doing tonight?" Perry said he would be at a shooting range, which was one of the most believable comments anyone said all night. But just when I thought Perry might be finally getting his muddled thoughts together, he gramatically incorrectly said in Sunday's debate, "I make a very proud statement and a fact that we have a president that's a socialist." Perry also gave his vote for sending our troops back to Iraq. Next, he'll be calling for a restart of the Vietnam War.

Romney is an oddly ill at ease, uncomfortable front runner. He's like a comedian who's always desperately trying to win over the crowd. By using someone else's material.

If I left Ron Paul out of this article, his supporters would claim it was a conspiracy. So I didn't.

And Rick Santorum says he doesn't discriminate against gays, but just doesn't want them to actually have equal rights.

After watching the first debate Saturday night, I went to sleep and had a few nightmares. Then I woke up this morning and turned on the second debate.

Those nightmares turned out to be real.

The End Of The Year As We Know It

2011-12-27T22:48:00.001-05:00

To those of you who think 2011 flew by more quickly than any other year, you're absolutely right.

While we were being distracted by wall to wall coverage of trials of people we had never heard of, and marriages of people we shouldn't have heard of, and debates with candidates we hopefully won't hear from again, some benevolent force was out there discreetly trimming hours from 2011. Because in a year where craziness reached new heights, the merciful thing to do was to wrap things up more quickly, and hope the new year brings some sanity.

But don't expect an easy path to a rational, reasonable year. House Republicans will try to block that. And Senate Republicans will filibuster confirming any names to implement rationality and reason. Or even the law.

Mitt Romney will come out and say he used to agree with reason while he was Governor of Massachusetts, but that being rational and reasonable doesn't work for other states or the country as a whole. Newt Gingrich will then cite his fictionalized history of the words rational and reasonable, and finally claim that those are "invented" words.

Rick Santorum will insist that being rational and reasonable begins at conception, Ron Paul will cut all aid to both traits, Michele Bachmann will make some facts up to show that being wrong about everything is the most rational and reasonable way to be.

Rick Perry will give three reasons why he's the most rational and reasonable guy out there. I can't recall what those three things are at the moment.

And finally Jon Huntsman will actually say rational and reasonable things, like believing in the validity of science. But no one will be listening to him when he says that.

And when President Obama calls for rational and reasonable things to get done, to add to the many rational and reasonable things he's already done, liberals will say it's irrational for him to be so reasonable.

But maybe, 2012 is the year craziness becomes so 2011, and intelligence becomes the new trending topic on Twitter. In 2012, maybe being hip will be replaced by being smart, and red states will be replaced by well read states.

2012 may well mark the beginning of the end of the Tea Party, or else it will be the beginning of the end of the Republican party. Christine O'Donnell and Sharon Angle cost the Republicans a Senate majority, and if Republicans continue to pledge allegiance to Grover Norquist instead of America, and continue to block implementation of laws and confirmation of qualified people to carry out those laws, they could well lose the House next year as well.

2011 was a crazy year.

So it's a good thing it went by so quickly.

But the brightest moments of 2011 came when people around the world rebelled against the craziness and the unfairness, and screamed out for a better life. The Arab Spring combined unspeakable bravery and dedication with a rational and reasonable desire to be free. And the Occupy movement has begun to call for other kinds of rational, reasonable fairness and equality here at home.

Hopefully in 2012 being rational and reasonable, smart and thoughtful, kind and compassionate will guide the actions of all of our elected officials and citizens here and around the world.

If that happens, I hope 2012 goes by nice and slowly.

My card for Grange Hall show #WestTisbury 9/2, 3. Use code FB... on Twitpic

2011-08-19T12:47:00.000-04:00

My card for Grange Hall show #WestTisbury 9/2, 3. Use code FB... on Twitpic

Ohio and Wisconsin Republicans Reveal Union Busting Was Early April Fools Joke

2011-04-01T13:31:00.006-04:00

Republicans in Ohio and Wisconsin admitted today that their legislation to severely weaken the right of unions to engage in collective bargaining was merely an early April Fools joke.

Ohio State Senator Shannon Jones said, "When I sponsored this bill, I really didn't think anyone would take me seriously. I mean, what kind of an idiot would think it was a good idea to balance state and local budgets on the backs of hardworking union public employees?"

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker added, "Do you really think I would try to destroy unions in a state that has such a progressive tradition of looking after the rights of workers? Just to pay back the billionaire Koch brothers for financing my campaign?"

Governor Walker said that he was surprised no one got the joke. "Attacking the rights of public employees and unions was such an irrational, over the top thing to do. I can't believe people thought I was serious."

My Valentine's Day Card to Egypt

2011-02-13T13:28:00.015-05:00

I don't have all of your addresses, so here's a group Valentine's Day card to the people of Egypt to express my love and admiration for your miraculous and inspiring achievement.

Your heroic perseverance, poise and dedication showed us all that anything is possible.

That Facebook can be used for more than just promoting comedy shows and sharing with 1800 people how wasted you were last night. And that Twitter can mobilize rallies for democracy instead of just inform us what Shaquille O'Neal had for lunch.

It took the Egyptian people 18 days to bring down a dictator. It took me 18 days to decide which coffeemaker to buy on Amazon.com. Talk about using your time productively.

The road to democracy in Egypt will be difficult and messy. But the truth is our democracy is still difficult and messy after 234 years. The U.S. wants Egypt to be just the way we are. But Egypt can produce a democracy that's even more, well, democratic than ours.

First, your military. I know you love those guys and most of them are an admirable group. And they stood by you in the most trying of times. But once they guide your country through the transition to free and fair elections, make sure they don't decide to run the country. I'm not saying they would, but just in case. And when you prepare your first budget don't give them a crazy amount of money. We do that here and quite frankly it's largely a big waste of money that could be better spent on social programs here at home.

Now that you'll be able to criticize your government and speak freely on all issues, go ahead and enjoy! But don't create shows where people of opposing views yell at each other and talk in sound bites. We do that in the US and it just appeals to the lowest common denominator.

Have plenty of good, thorough news programs. And make sure all of your cable systems carry Al Jazeera. And The Daily Show.

And insist that your politicians be intelligent. And don't give them reality shows. In fact, don't have reality shows, period. There's nothing like a good half hour scripted comedy. But I digress.

I hope you can find a President like ours, who is worldly, really smart, thoughtful, and who understands what you're going through.

And try to make it possible for people to run for office who don't have a lot of money. And insist on a single payer health care plan. And keep trying to help bring about peace between Israelis and Palestinians.

The truth is, I don't even have to be telling you this. If you can overthrow a dictator in 18 days, you can do anything!

And remember. Not only can your democracy be as good as ours, it can be even better.

Happy Valentine's Day!

It's The Guns, Stupid

2011-01-16T16:25:00.005-05:00

In the week since the shootings in Arizona, there have been many comments about Sarah Palin, the Tea Party, and civility.
And comparatively very little has been said about guns.

And what limited discussion about guns there has been, has largely focused on how it's pointless to make guns laws more strict, and how we should make it easier for Americans to get their hands on a gun. How much easier could it possibly get? And yet, the NRA and its many followers in civilian life and Congress, keep making the most twisted arguments in favor of a Wild West gun mentality.

I'm tired of hearing people say, "Criminals will always find a way to get a gun, so why punish law abiding citizens with stricter gun laws?" Jared Loughner could easily have been prevented from getting a gun because a far more thorough and lengthy background check would have turned up many red flags. And even if, at the very least, he was forced to spend much more time in search of a gun, that might have given authorities the chance to catch up with him before he committed his crimes.

Why should gun background checks be instant when just about everything else we want in America takes so much longer? Anyone who has closed on a house, knows that process can often take several weeks, or even months, and require hundreds of pages of documents and records. On a smaller scale, when you order cable for your new place, it can often be at least a week before you can get an appointment. And then you still have to wait four hours waiting for the cable guy to arrive. Neither closing on a house or getting cable installed is a life and death matter, although some people treat it as such. Yet we put up with the inconvenience of waiting, because frankly, we can afford to wait.

Any law abiding citizen who wants to buy a gun can also afford to wait. Anyone who objects to a thorough background check, no matter how long it takes, clearly has something to hide. And it's not the Constitution. This should apply to gun shows as well. As the laws in most states now stand, anyone can stroll up to the kind of gun show held so tastefully this weekend in Tucson, and buy the assault weapon of their dreams on the spot.

Why does any law abiding citizen need an AK-47? Are they a hunter seeking to eradicate the entire deer species all in one afternoon? Or are they expecting an invasion by a foreign army in their sub-division? The same goes for the extended ammunition clips Loughner used with his Glock 19. What law abiding uses are there for shooting 30 rounds without needing to reload?

How can it possibly be so difficult and controversial for Congress to reinstate the assault weapons ban which expired in 2004, due to the cowardice of both Republicans and Democrats? Even if you think the Constitution gives you the right to bear arms, those arms do not include weapons of mass destruction like military-style assault weapons. And if you think you should be able to buy any kind of gun at any time, why not expand your options to missiles and bombs too?

Some people say we need assault weapons for the day the government will attack its people by going door to door and taking away their guns. If you truly believe this scenario, you don't need more guns, you need a psychiatrist. But they are not alone.

The craziness of this past week is not confined to the Arizona shooter. If the people of the United States, and its representatives in Congress do not insist upon doing everything in their power to prevent what happened in Tucson from happening again, this country can rightfully be considered crazy. No one is talking about "taking away your guns". We need the kind of exhaustive, effective federal background checks that, while not foolproof, will at least make this country much safer than it is now. And to ban the kinds of weapons only the military and law enforcement personnel really need.

Because being civil to one another requires changing our gun laws so that we are once again a civilized society.

Navy Defends Country From Comedy

2011-01-05T13:23:00.006-05:00

As a comedian, I hate jokes that are moronic, low brow, mean spirited and geared to the lowest common denominator. Which pretty much describes the excerpts of the videos by Captain Owen Honors which led the Navy to fire him this week.

If Captain Honors openly discriminated against gay soldiers under his command, and created the videos to foster an environment where gay sailors felt uncomfortable, his removal is the right thing to do.

But if the videos were simply the work of an unfunny, uncreative Captain, who thought gay jokes and sex jokes in general would make his sailors laugh, perhaps we should slow our rush to judgment. Because what is tasteless and offensive to one person can be a belly laugh for someone else. And I have the personal experience to back that up. Early in my career, I was working with the legendary Andrew Dice Clay, whom I met through comedy and consider to be a nice guy. His comedy persona is considered by many to be offensive, but on that night at a comedy club on Long Island, my political jokes about then President Reagan drew hisses and boos, while the Diceman's four letter tirades against women and other groups were greeted with a standing ovation.

Comedy should never have to be defended. It should be laughed at, hissed at or reacted to with silence. So if Captain Honors treated his sailors equally, with respect and appreciation, and confined his ignorance to stupid jokes, then he should not have been fired.

Of course, in keeping with the climate of our times, he won't have the chance to answer whether or not the videos were representative of any deep seeded negativity towards gay people, or simply the work of someone with a rather stupid sense of humor.

Last year, three personalities were abruptly fired after comments deemed to be offensive. Helen Thomas, Rick Sanchez and Juan Williams never had the chance to tell us if they stood by what they said, or felt the need for clarification. In an open society, we should reserve judgment and consequences until we know what the person really thinks. And even if they stand by opinions we find distasteful, not every situation calls for punishment and excommunication.

There are things I find offensive, distasteful and reprehensible. The deception in the rush to war in Iraq based on lies from our President, Vice President and other government figures. And the despicable embrace of torture, to this day, by Bush, Cheney and others. That is the kind of thinking and behavior that sets a bad example, and is a total failure of leadership.

If Captain Honors was a bad commander who treated gay sailors in a less respectful manner than everyone else, and harbored any ill will towards them, he has no place in the military. But if it was simply a case of making videos that were dumb and not funny, he deserved a chance to explain himself.

No News Is Bad News For CNN

2010-06-24T15:46:00.007-04:00

Jonathan Klein, the CNN/U.S. president, said yesterday that the new 8 pm show co-hosted by Eliot Spitzer and Kathleen Parker, would be a “roundup of all the best ideas” of the day. Which sounds a bit like plagiarism.

But the real news here is not what the new show is, but what it isn't.

Even if Spitzer and Parker overcome their very limited television hosting experience, and their show offers a variety of viewpoints with a minimum of shouting, it is still not the show CNN should be doing at 8 pm. In fact, they shouldn't be doing a "show" at all.

Instead of coming up with a toned down version of the discredited "Crossfire", CNN should have returned to its long forgotten roots and made the 8 o'clock hour a newscast. Although CNN covers "breaking news" during the day, there isn't a comprehensive, scripted hour of news anywhere on their schedule.

With their expansive global news resources, CNN is well positioned to produce a compelling, substantial hour of news that would also do well in the ratings. Another talking heads show, even if it is a more even-handed one, cannot compete against Bill O'Reilly and Keith Olbermann. The neglected demographic is the sizeable group of people, like myself, who crave a newscast in the mold of BBC World News and Canada's The National.

And 8 pm would be an ideal time to hook the news junkies who aren't home at 6:30, or find the network news shows at that hour to be increasingly not worth watching, because of their high fluff factor.

CNN could start a solid newscast like this in a matter of days, not weeks or months. There are many highly qualified reporters already at CNN who could handle the anchor chores. And the reporters in the field around the world give CNN a global reach the networks can't match.

There should be a place somewhere on CNN's schedule for an opinion show that truly delves into issues with intelligence and civility. But what we really need at 8 pm is not the talk show CNN will be giving us in the fall. We need a newscast that is all about the news, not the person delivering the news.

If CNN did an 8 o'clock newscast, it would be good news for the industry and for our country.

Lazy Reporters, Politicians and Comedians Bring Helen Thomas Down as an Unquestioning Public Cheers

2010-06-11T12:31:00.018-04:00

The fact that writing about Helen Thomas four days after she resigned feels like old news, tells you something about what's wrong with the media and our country today.

After a journalism career spanning almost seventy years, Thomas was taken down in less than two minutes. Which is the running time of the video where she made the remarks that forced her to resign her job, lose her book collaborator, her lecture agent and have a Washington-area high school cancel a graduation speech she was scheduled to deliver.

Most people are also unaware that the person who conducted the video interview in late May, was not a reputable journalist like Helen Thomas, but a right- wing Long Island Rabbi with a website, which apparently is all you need to get press credentials to The White House for a Jewish Heritage event. Rabbi David Nesenoff uploaded the video to his website under the caption "Helen Thomas Tells Jews To Go Back To Germany". Which isn't a nice thing for her to say. Except she didn't say it.

Let's take a quick break to give you an unedited transcript of their exchange:

RABBI DAVID NESENOFF: Any advice for these young people over here for starting out in the press corps?

HELEN THOMAS: Go for it. You’ll never be unhappy. You’ll always keep people informed. And you’ll always keep learning. The greatest thing of the profession is never stop learning.

RABBI DAVID NESENOFF: Today they’re covering the Jewish Heritage Month. Any—

HELEN THOMAS: Are they going to meet the President?

RABBI DAVID NESENOFF: Yeah, and any comments on Israel? We’re asking everybody today. Any comments on Israel?

HELEN THOMAS: Tell them to get the hell out of Palestine.

RABBI DAVID NESENOFF: Ooh, any better comments than that?

UNIDENTIFIED: Helen is blunt.

HELEN THOMAS: Remember, these people are occupied, and it’s their land. It’s not Germany, and it’s not Poland.

RABBI DAVID NESENOFF: So where should they go? What should they do?

HELEN THOMAS: They could go home.

RABBI DAVID NESENOFF: Where is their home?

HELEN THOMAS: Poland, Germany—

RABBI DAVID NESENOFF: So the Jews—you’re saying Jews should go back to Poland and Germany?

HELEN THOMAS: —and America and everywhere else. Why push people out of there who have lived there for centuries? See?

RABBI DAVID NESENOFF: Now, are you familiar with the history of that region and what took place?

HELEN THOMAS: Very much. I’m of Arab background.

RABBI DAVID NESENOFF: I see.

(At that point, Nesenoff asks Helen if she speaks Arabic, and she says she does not. Nesenoff says a few words to her in Arabic. And then Thomas ended the interview with)

HELEN THOMAS: Go for journalism. You'll never regret it.

Helen Thomas issued a statement saying, "I deeply regret my comments I made last week regarding the Israelis and the Palestinians. They do not reflect my heart-felt belief that peace will come to the Middle East only when all parties recognize the need for mutual respect and tolerance. May that day come soon," she wrote.

However crass, undiplomatic and imprecise her language, it is clear that Thomas was merely advocating the same two state solution that myself and a majority of Americans, Israelis and Palestinians support. And an end to an occupation that is considered illegal by international law. Whether the land really belongs to Palestinians or Israelis, no one will ever know. I'm pretty sure they didn't save the receipts. Thomas clearly means "Israeli" settlers in the West Bank, as the people who should go somewhere else. And while of course she should have listed "Israel" as the first place they could go, the notion of Israeli and other Jews also living in 2010 Germany and Poland is simply not the same as what she has been recklessly accused of saying. Sending Jews back to the Germany and Poland of the Nazi years.

What does Rabbi Nesenoff think about who the land belongs to? This is what he writes on his website RabbiLive.com

So after the Holocaust in the late 1940s it was a natural for the Jews to go back there-- to their land and reclaim it again. And with the world feeling really guilty right after the Holocaust it made it that much easier to get the land back and kick out hundreds of thousands of Arabs who were living there and dwelling peacefully with their families and loved ones. But it was ours first as it was promised to us by G-d in the Torah so we have a claim to it.

Whether you agree with Helen Thomas is not important. But to all those who delight in her excommunication, here is Helen Thomas, at age 85, in action on March 21, 2006, the first time President Bush directly called on her in three years

"I'd like to ask you, Mr. President, your decision to invade Iraq has caused the deaths of thousands of Americans and Iraqis, wounds of Americans and Iraqis for a lifetime. Every reason given, publicly at least, has turned out not to be true. My question is: Why did you really want to go to war? From the moment you stepped into the White House, from your Cabinet...your Cabinet officers, intelligence people, and so forth...what was your real reason? You have said it wasn't oil...quest for oil, it hasn't been Israel, or anything else. What was it?"

Contrast those powerful,insightful words from an American journalism treasure to those of Howard Stern.

“Maybe you should go home,” “Maybe you should go back to where you came from. Maybe you should go to Lebanon now that we don’t need you anymore as a reporter. You big fat cow. I like that she thinks she’s from America so she’s where she is. She’s where she’s supposed to be. She should go back to Lebanon. I don’t know why she’s here. She’s occupying America with her big, fat ass.” Hopefully the planet will be rid of her soon. Maybe she'll stroke out or something. That would be nice."

After reading Stern's venom, you might want to take a shower. Better yet, here's another Helen Thomas gem from a recent interview in Vice Magazine:

"In the run-up to the Iraq War, no one asked for proof of weapons of mass destruction. It was very, very clear that President Bush wanted to go to war at any cost. And he would not go back to the UN and allow them three more months to look and see if it was really true. We went to war on lies.
That’s the reason we’re so easily led down the garden path—nobody’s asking “why?” The question “why?” should always be there. What is the reason this other government or these people would do this to us? But I had the impression that throughout the whole country, truth took a holiday. There’s been very little search for truth, except for a few people who have spoken out."

On June 3, Rabbi Nemeroff posted an edited version of the Helen Thomas interview (1:03 minutes) on You Tube. It has received 1,582,238 hits. On June 7, after Thomas resigned, the unedited version(1:58 minutes)was posted. To date, it has 61,746 hits.

Crackdown on Ignorance Should Target Arizona Lawmakers

2010-04-25T13:46:00.000-04:00

Governor Jan Brewer said the Arizona police would not use racial profiling, even though the whole point of the immigration bill she signed into law yesterday is to racially profile and harass Hispanics. Brewer was expected to receive the endorsement of racist groups in Arizona and across the country, and the overwhelming support of those who post misspelled, incoherent gibberish on online message boards.

The bill appears to weaken the chance of Republicans ever attracting one Hispanic vote in this country, although they apparently hope it will appeal to Hispanics with low self-esteem who support being stopped by police for no apparent reason.

State Senator Russell Pearce is uniquely qualified to be the sponsor of the new law. When Pearce posed for a photo with a man who was a featured speaker at a neo-Nazi conference, he said he didn't know that the man was a neo-Nazi, although you would think the swastika might have been a tip-off. Arizona police did not say if they will use a German accent when they racially profile Hispanics and demand they "show us your papers!".

Pearce helped burnish his credentials in 2006, when he praised a 1950's federal deportation program called Operation Wetback that could open up the possibility of police deporting anyone who might be sweating on a lovely 110 degree day in Phoenix.

And Pearce once "inadvertently" sent an email to supporters with an attachment by a white supremacist group. The only person who could "inadvertently" attach a white supremacist document is someone who could pose with a neo-Nazi and not know he's a neo-Nazi.

In a related move, Senator John McCain sold his soul to the devil. After a lifetime of fighting immigration measures like this, McCain supported the bill and answered the question of which John McCain he is now. Apparently, he's the John McCain who voted against making Martin Luther King's birthday a federal holiday in 1983.

The Arizona immigration bill signed into law yesterday almost makes the stupidity and vileness of the "Obama is a Socialist, Communist, Nazi Fascist" signs at Tea Party rallies, and the mind-blowingly vapid and mean ramblings of Michele Bachmann ("We have a gangster government in Washington") pale in comparison. Those are just disgusting words. What Arizona has done is a disgusting deed.

So until Arizona repeals this un-American bill, the closest I'm going to get to the Grand Canyon is looking at a photo of it in an old National Geographic.

Were Laws of Gravity Passed Through Reconciliation?

2010-03-04T09:28:00.016-05:00

The Kentucky Legislature recently introduced a bill that would encourage teachers to discuss “the advantages and disadvantages of scientific theories,” including “evolution, the origins of life, global warming and human cloning.”

But why stop there?

Maybe it's time to revisit the whole question of whether the earth is actually flat after all. Skeptics point to those images from space that clearly show a round globe. But how hard would it be to do some editing tricks with Photoshop to give the illusion of roundness? Skeptics also say that if the earth was flat we would hear stories of people falling off constantly. But it's pretty hard for people who just fell off the earth to tell their story to the media

The round earth camp clings to a belief in mysterious gravitational forces that keep Brazil from falling backwards into space. Maybe revelers in Rio have been flying into space, but people are too drunk to notice.

When was the last time anyone took an unbiased look at the laws of gravity? Who wrote these laws and were they passed through reconciliation?

If reconciliation is "the nuclear option" Republicans and conservative media say it is, does that mean Iran is secretly building a 51 vote majority to drop on Israel?

Isn't it time to insist that we stop the threat of 51 vote majorities around the world, especially in the volatile Middle East region? A good first step might be to use unmanned drones to target parliamentarians around the world. They seek to impose a new Robert's Rules Of Order in the world, that forces countries to adopt the undemocratic nuclear option of majority rule.

To those who support this nuclear option of a 51 vote majority, where is the money going to come from to pay for it? That's what Senator Jim Bunning of Kentucky probably had in mind when he singlehandedly held up unemployment insurance for hundreds of thousands of Americans by refusing to allow a vote on it. Democracy may look good on paper, especially parchment, but in a recession, the American taxpaper just can't afford these reckless majority rule votes.

To those who are so quick to criticize Jim Bunning, did you ever consider that maybe he was holding up the unemployment insurance vote to maintain his Time Magazine ranking as one of the Five Worst Senators? Although political correctness tells us not to value victory, a former star pitcher like Jim Bunning knows the value of winning any kind of prize, even one that the liberal media gives a negative connotation.

In addition to evolution and global warming, maybe Bunning's home state of Kentucky will challenge another long established theory that Republicans and conservatives have questioned recently.

The truth.

The End Of The Year As We Know It

2009-12-28T10:15:00.009-05:00

In 525,600 minutes-how do you measure a year in the life?
Seasons of Love, Jonathan Larson, RENT

2009 was the year a lot happened and not a lot changed.

But the one big change, the inauguration of our new President Barack Obama, lifted up this standup comedian even though it meant getting rid of most of my Bush material.

I went to the Inauguration. I was a little far back in the crowd. I was in Virginia.

Change was certainly in the air at the Inaugural concert two days earlier when a bald eagle was gently brought on stage to flutter about for a few moments. If this was Bush's inaugural, Dick Cheney would have shot the bald eagle. And simultaneously taken it off the endangered species list. While I was in DC, I saw Cheney's limo whisk by one day. I knew it was Cheney because instead of a siren, a voice from the limo barked, "Get out of my way. I'm right and you're wrong."

I visited the new Capitol Visitors Center gift shop, where for the first time in eight years, you could find the Constitution. I also saw Rod Blagojevich(remember him?) scalping tickets on the corner.

When I listened to Obama's inspiring words, and heard him talk soberly about the economy, I realized something. I needed to learn what a mutual fund was. And default swaps. Although, almost a year later, even the guys who caused this mess still haven't figured out what default swaps are.

We do know that what the bankers and traders were doing wasn't "God's work" as the CEO of Goldman Sachs actually said with a straight face. If we asked God, I don't think he would want to take credit for the reckless and arrogant bets the financial "experts" made to satisfy their greed.

But bailing out the banks turned out to be the right thing to do. And the economic stimulus has created and helped save jobs. There's still a lot of work to do, and far too many Americans are out of work, but it could have been a lot worse.

The year comes to a close with the strong prospect of healthcare reform becoming a reality after months of debate. And to those who say the Democrats have tried to rush the process, just think about how long and how much all of us talked about health care this year.

I feel a little responsible for the long and drawn out process of debating healthcare reform. Early in the year, someone with a clipboard came up to me on the street and asked if "I had a minute for healthcare reform?" I said I was busy and kept walking. Maybe if I had taken a minute, we would have had a healthcare bill back in March. With all the yelling and screaming that went on after that, that might have been better for everyone's health.

The "death panels" aren't in either bill. In fact it was never in any bill. Those end of life provisions were the same ones that Sarah Palin and other Republicans had been in favor of before they were against them. By standing together in opposition to a bill without death panels and a public option, Senate Republicans showed that they were only thinking about the health of the Republican party, not the American people. And Democrat Ben Nelson also showed that he doesn't care about babies or women or anyone but Ben Nelson. Not only did he give women less choices in a healthcare bill designed to increase choice, but the unethical and perhaps unlawful special treatment he received for Nebraska in the bill, should make him change his title from Senator to King of Mutual of Omaha.

We all received some misleading health care emails this year. Some were pretty bogus. I got one that was written by the same Nigerian prince who claims you have 800 million dollars waiting for you in the bank.

There were unimportant things that happened in 2009 that got way too much attention. Many on the right were appalled when President Obama bowed to the Saudi King and the Emperor of Japan. What's wrong with showing some respect and courtesy? If Obama had curtsied, I would have been concerned.

But the year's most publicized story, Tiger Woods, had nothing to do with healthcare, Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, terrorism, the economy, or anything else remotely important to any of us, except for a few people in Tiger's inner circle and family.

Not talking about Tiger Woods is one of the things I'm looking forward to in 2010.

I wish all of you a Happy, Healthy New Year. And most of all, let's remember this.

It’s time now to sing out, though the story never ends, let's celebrate, remember a year in the life of friends. Remember the love! Remember the love! Remember the love! Measure in love. Seasons of love! Seasons of love.
Seasons of Love, Jonathan Larson, RENT

Tiger Woods Story Found To Have Nothing To Do with Healthcare Reform Or Anything Else Important To Us

2009-12-14T12:14:00.008-05:00

Although you wouldn't know it by the front page tabloid news stories or the endless panel discussions on television, the Tiger Woods story has nothing to do with our lives, and should only be important to the people in Tiger's life. And not surprisingly, the rest of the world feels the same way.

Afghan civilians are not saying, "I know we live in a country with a corrupt government and rampant poverty and illiteracy, but what we really want to know is how many women did Tiger sleep with?"

Participants at the Global Warming conference in Copenhagen have not been heard complaining, "Why is The New York Times publishing front page stories about how man-made greenhouse gases are imperiling the planet, instead of pictures of the cocktail waitresses Tiger was with?

And the tens of thousands of people in Copenhagen demonstrating for more drastic action to reverse global warming, haven't carried posters saying "Please don't have any news coverage of this protest because it takes up valuable time that could be used to cover the Tiger Woods story".

The 30 million Americans without health insurance aren't saying, "I know that because we can't afford quality health care, 45,000 of us will die this year, but what I'm really worried about is the effect of Tiger's absence on the PGA Tour."

Palestinians facing a humanitarian crisis in Gaza have not been heard to say, "Sure we have no electricity or running water and hardly any food, but we'd rather see nonstop Tiger coverage in the media than any coverage of what we're going through."

So, as my family would say, "Enough already". I hope Tiger can somehow find a way to repair the damage he has caused to his family. But I'm not going to give it any thought. And I know there are plenty of people around the world who feel the same way I do.

Old Bush Speech Inadvertently Put On Obama's Teleprompter at West Point

2009-12-02T16:07:00.005-05:00

When I woke up this morning, I was hoping to hear that President Obama really didn't say he was going to send 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. That it had just been a bad dream. Or that an old war speech of George W. Bush was somehow put on Obama's teleprompter by mistake. The Nobel Peace Prize committee was probably hoping the same thing.

Obama's address at West Point was the most compelling speech that I have ever disagreed with. It was like a brilliant summation by a trial lawyer defending a hopelessly guilty client. For a minute, I wanted to believe he was right, but then I came to my senses.

Even though it was well delivered, the speech didn't really sound like the Obama I voted for. It almost sounded like one of those forced propaganda videos that hostages have to deliver.

I agree with those who say the speech should have been given from the Oval Office. The only crowd noise you can expect there is if the cameraman sneezes. It's hard to sound upbeat as you're facing into a sea of grey uniforms. Military audiences are usually great(as comedians who have performed for them can attest to),but the cadets had been in their seats for four hours before the speech began. And they had probably been up since 5 am. And they were being told they were going to Afghanistan. Not a happy combination. No wonder there were only four applause breaks. I wonder whether the standing ovation at the end was because of what Obama said, or because they were just happy to get the chance to stand up.

President Obama deserves much credit for finally putting the focus on Afghanistan, after seven years of being virtually ignored by the Bush Administration. Had Bush and Cheney not diverted all their attention and most of our resources to the disastrously unnecessary war in Iraq, the situation in Afghanistan would probably be under control today. A fact that the eternally delusional Dick Cheney refuses to accept. Instead of ever admitting to any mistakes, he prefers to verbally attack Obama for being weak because he bowed to the Japanese leader. He bowed because that's the polite, culturally acceptable thing to do. Of course, a man like Cheney isn't interested in respecting other cultures, he just likes invading them.

Although I'm against this troop surge, I'm proud that President Obama has made great strides in trying to engage the countries of the world through diplomacy. And I hope that there is a diplomatic surge in Afghanistan that goes hand in hand with the military one.

And so to all of my conservative friends who thought that I would support the troop surge from Obama that I didn't support from Bush, there you have it. I think the President is wrong on this one. But I am still thrilled that he is our President.

It's like the way you feel when a good friend lets you down. It hurts, you're disappointed, but you still stay friends. Because in friendship and in politics, we need to hold on to the things that bring us together, not pull us apart.

In Defense of Turkeys

2009-11-20T15:34:00.009-05:00

What did turkeys ever do to be compared with human beings who behave badly?

Being a city boy, I haven't met many turkeys over the years, but the ones I've encountered are pleasant birds who have a remarkably sunny disposition considering the fact that many of them won't live past Thanksgiving. It's funny to hear the sounds they make and to watch them spread their wings. I can't say the same about those people who are called turkeys. They're not fun to watch or listen to, and generally don't have pleasant dispositions even though they're very likely to be alive after November 26.

So I'm not going to call the politicians who I think behaved badly this year turkeys, because they don't deserve to be in the same company as our fine feathered friends.

Because turkeys would never put politics and their personal self-interest above the greater good, the way almost all Republicans did this year in the healthcare debate.

I know it's hard to tell, but I even think turkeys have the sense of humor sorely lacking in many of our leaders. While President Obama has a wonderful sense of humor and is spontaneously funny, I can't say the same for our Congressional leaders.

John Boehner is humorless, Mitch McConnell has never come close to cracking a smile, and Harry Reid acts like a well meaning undertaker. Nancy Pelosi, on the other hand, is always smiling. Even if she may not always get the joke.

Turkeys aren't hypocrites either. Like those sanctimonious politicians who preach family values and then get arrested in public restrooms, or abandon their state and their responsibilities to run off with a mistress in Argentina. These politicians are given a sacred trust by the people and promptly abuse that trust.

Turkeys seem to have a sense of the limited time they have on earth, and seem content to make the most of their wing flapping, cute noisemaking days.

So this Thanksgiving, let's show a little respect for turkeys, whether they bought the farm or are still on the farm. And the next time you see a human being behaving badly, don't call them a turkey. Turkeys deserve better than that.

New Poll Finds Little Faith in Polls

2009-11-11T10:50:00.006-05:00

There aren't many things we can be certain of these days, but here are a few.

There is a poll out there that will support every conceivable opinion on any issue. Just pick the one you like, and pretend that it actually holds any significance whatsoever. For example, I love the poll that says 100% of the people writing this column agree with everything in it. And why are polls treated as a news story, when in all probability, they aren't even accurate? And even if by some fluke, the poll is on the money, why should anyone care? If people and politicians base their opinions on polls that are wrong most of the time, that could lead to having positions that are wrong for the country. That's not my opinion, I got it from some poll.

Republicans Will Be Against Everything Democrats Want.
I'm not a betting man, but I wish there was money to be made in guessing how Republicans will vote in Congress. In fact, you just have to bet that they'll say "No" to everything Democrats propose and leave it at that. They're even against things they're for, if a Democrat wants it too. If the Democrats proposed a bill called "The Republicans Are Great Act of 2009", Republicans would still oppose it. I heard that to make it easier on themselves, Republicans had the "Yes" button removed from their voting consoles.

Foreign News Is Foreign to American TV News

When the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall was celebrated this week, you would think that would be a huge story here. World News with Charles Gibson ran the story last on its newscast the day of the anniversary. I guess the fall of Communism pales in comparison to a story about a dog who plays baseball. If it was a dog playing soccer they wouldn't cover it. Soccer is too foreign. Coverage like that is why Americans are so ignorant about other countries. The first time we've ever heard of some countries is when the U.S. goes to war with them. Maybe if the media and all of us followed world news a little more, the U.S. would do a better job of foreign policy. Instead of just being the most informed country about dogs playing baseball.

Not all dogs of course. Just 18%. Or 35%. Or none. Depending on which poll you read.

What If They Gave An Election and Nobody Came?

2009-10-30T12:29:00.005-04:00

I don't understand why people are calling Tuesday an "off year election". Is 2009 not really a year? Is this Election Day not really an election? For a country that spends a lot of time promoting democracy around the world, our primary(and general election) concern should be about the voting process here in the U.S.

I did a show the other night for about 50 people and I told them there were more people in the audience than had voted in New York City's runoff election. Actually a whopping 8% of eligible voters bothered to exercise their democratic right last month. I was one of the select fee who voted. The bored election officials applauded when I entered the empty polling place.

I love voting. Sometimes I even wave when I leave the voting booth, just to confuse people. "Is that guy running for something?", they probably ask themselves.

In a recent primary in Virginia, the turnout was 3%. 3% is the margin of error in a poll. So it's actually possible no one voted.

I remember a few years ago when there were elections in Haiti, people voted as they were getting shot at. In New York, people don't vote when it's partly cloudy. They complain, "I have to put my coat on, walk two blocks. Do they deliver?"

The media doesn't help when they broadcast polls that tell us who would win if the election were held today. If the election were held today, nobody would vote, because it's not Election Day.

New York City Mayor Bloomberg is so rich he turned down living in the opulent Gracie Mansion. He probably thought, "I'd much rather live in my larger, more expensive home."

Bloomberg has spent more than $85 million in his reelection campaign so far and will probably top $100 million. That's more than the GNP of some developing countries. We would have been better off if Bloomberg just handed the money to us directly. His opponent Bill Thompson has only $6.6 million to spend. When $6.6 million is "only", there's a problem somewhere.

But that's no excuse not to vote. Not only do you have no right to complain if you don't bother to vote, but I propose that elected officials only listen to constituents who voted(for them or anyone else).

So on Tuesday go out there and vote. If past turnout is any indication, there won't be long lines. But it would be better for our country if there were.

Does The White House Support Military Action Against Fox News?

2009-10-21T15:08:00.007-04:00

A major priority of President Obama has been to engage in diplomacy with adversaries like Iran and North Korea, and to pursue a vigorous diplomatic strategy between the Israelis and Palestinians. The militaristic tone of the Bush administration has been replaced(and Nobel Peace prize rewarded)by one of engagement.

Which makes it all the more puzzling why the White House seems unwilling to talk to Fox News, and has accused it of not being a real news organization. The first salvo was fired by the White House Director of Communications, who apparently isn't very good at living up to her title. The Obama administration has reached out repeatedly to Republicans and conservative Democrats to achieve a consensus on healthcare reform and other issues. So why not talk to Fox News?

As a regular guest on The Strategy Room at foxnews.com, I have had the pleasure and privilege of engaging in spirited but respectful discourse with pundits from the left, right and center. Each show is hosted by a skilled reporter from Fox News, who I may sometimes vehemently disagree with, but always respect their journalistic integrity. To insinuate that these hard working journalists are not part of a real news organization is offensive and completely offbase.

As a liberal political comedian, I can find comedic fodder with some of the opinion/entertainment hosts at the channel, but they are clearly not part of the news gathering and reporting operation at Fox News.

And even if one accepts The White House assertion that Fox News coverage is unfair to the President, what better way to counter that than to have Obama and other White House officials appear on Fox News to get their message across in their own words? If the Obama administration can talk to Iran and North Korea, they can surely sit down with Chris Wallace or Bill O'Reilly, as Obama did during the campaign.

And when President Obama appeared on Fox News during the campaign, it could be argued that he gained some votes from the many independents who view the channel. Which flies in the face of the comments by Robert Gibbs and others that there is no point in trying to reach out to Fox viewers. As a comedian, I know the importance of knowing your audience. You would think that the politically savvy White House would take the time to know the Fox News audience, and not completely write them off.

President Obama and his entire White House team should stop beating on Fox News, and start being on Fox News.

Public Option, Not Military Option

2009-10-03T09:51:00.008-04:00

I think it's outrageous that there's more outrage about the public option in healthcare reform, than there is about the military option in dealing with Iran's nuclear ambitions.

Especially because the public option is a smart, practical idea that will make it cheaper for us to buy health insurance. And the military option to bomb Iran is stupid, impractical and would ultimately be bad for everyone's health in the U.S., Israel and around the world. The public option would save lives, the military option would cause many deaths.

And although most polls show more than 60% of Americans support the public option, those who oppose it are convinced it would lead to death panels, forced euthanasia, and the bankruptcy of the entire health insurance industry. The first two fears are based on completely wrong information. The third is based on the belief that protecting the billions in profits of insurance companies is more important than providing affordable, quality healthcare for all Americans. A public option will ideally force insurance companies to lower their premiums, and might also lead to CEO's taking a pay cut to only about $10 million a year. I know it's tough to get by on such a paltry annual salary, but maybe they can make do by selling one of their five houses.

But I'm even more outraged by a poll that said 57% of American Jews support military action against Iran. As a Jewish American, I'm embarassed that my own people would believe in such a catastrophic and ridiculous notion. What's wrong with the US or Israel bombing Iran? How about everything? All of Iran's nuclear facilities are either hidden underground or near civilian population centers. So it would be highly unlikely to actually knock out their facilities, while it would be highly likely many innocent Iranians would be killed. And Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, who, unlike me, is an expert in these matters, believes an attack on Iran would maybe set back their program one to three years at best. But it would certainly invite retaliation against Israel, the US and Western interests around the world through terrorist attacks. And it would shut down any diplomatic relations with Iran and completely put Middle East peace prospects on an indefinite hold.

Is it too much to ask for Americans to be smart for a change when it comes to the Middle East? You would think that the utter failure of the unjust and unnecessary war in Iraq would have taught us just a little about dealing with a country that may or may not have WMD's.

Yes, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has made stupid, offensive comments about the Holocaust. And he has spoken out against the Israeli occupation of the Palestinian people. But he knows that if Iran attacked Israel, there would be swift and massive retaliation. And since all he really cares about is staying in power, (as the recent fake election attests to), that is not something he would want to happen.

So let's drop all the Nazi analogies from the Iran debate, as well as from the healthcare debate too. Let's try, for a moment, to look at both options in a clear, non-emotional way.

Which sounds like a smart option to you? Lowering our healthcare costs with a public option, or raising the threat level with the military option against Iran?

The choice is yours.

Democrats Still Not Aware They Actually Won The Election

2009-09-15T11:48:00.007-04:00

Last November, Democrats took back the White House and the Congress with a huge mandate from the American people. Ever since then, Democrats in Congress have been acting as if they actually lost the election instead.

Their latest act of spinelessness came yesterday when the Senate voted 83-7 to deny ACORN any federal funds. Apparently, Democrats have never met a right wing smear campaign they didn't like.

The Senate's move means that ACORN, the most effective organization for helping low income people avoid foreclosures, will not be able to receive grants for counseling low-income people on how to get mortgages and for fair housing education and outreach. That would be like the Census Bureau refusing to work with ACORN to count how many low income and minority Americans live in America. Which is what the wimpy Census Bureau actually did do last week, when they said they won't work with ACORN on the census.

Who cares about minority representation in this country anyway? Apparently not Republicans and right wing pundits. Because their obsession with ACORN stems from the simple fact that the minority communities ACORN works with tend to vote Democratic. So what better way to keep down voter registration in those areas than by constantly harassing the people trying to register them? Yes there were a few instances of workers writing fake names on petitions. (Although I suppose it's possible for your name to really be Donald Duck. But not likely.) And those workers were promptly fired. As were the workers who were duped by a conservative activist filmmaker in the recent entrapment scheme caught on tape.

But what really makes this standup comedian's hair stand up, is the way the Democrats have meekly given in to almost every right wing smear. When Van Jones was unfairly attacked and forced to resign, no one from the White House said a thing. Couldn't someone have just said, "Hey, Van Jones is the foremost authority on green jobs. He didn't say or do anything to disqualify him for that job." But they just let him go.

Then there was the communications director for the NEA who lost his job for making a conference call. When a guy in charge of communications can't make a phone call, you would think someone might have the courage to say, "Hey, what's wrong with that?" Instead, they hung up on him too.

Republicans, on the other hand, stand by their man. Congressman Wilson(the "you lie" guy)has been assured that his party will support him. They've even made him a cult hero. Governor Sanford mysteriously disappears, resurfaces with a mistress in Argentina, and guess what? He's still Governor.

This standup comedian will always stand up for the right of every American to stand up for their beliefs. It's time for Democrats to stand up and catch us if we fall. If they do that, they might actually realize they won the last election.

Ted Kennedy Goes Out On A Laugh

2009-08-30T17:16:00.012-04:00

When a comedian leaves the stage at the end of a show, you always want to leave the audience laughing. No matter how well your performance was received, your last routine tends to leave the most lasting impression on the audience.

And so it was with the closing act in the life of Ted Kennedy. Although he accomplished more than any Senator in history, the quality of his that has been referred to the most is Kennedy's great, bellowing laugh, his wonderful and at times mischievous sense of humor, and his refusal to take himself too seriously even as he grappled with the serious issues of our time.

There were personal missteps along the way, but just as an audience allows a comedian to redeem himself after a joke misfires, Ted Kennedy left the stage for the last time with the enormous respect and gratitude of most Americans. And just like a successful comedian, he left us laughing too.

His memorial service and his funeral were filled with wonderfully funny stories about how funny Ted Kennedy was. And how much fun he was to be around. And among those who expressed those sentiments were John McCain and Orrin Hatch, who usually disagreed with Kennedy, but as Hatch said, were "fighting brothers". Which meant these three men from widely different backgrounds and with starkly contrasting ideology, still found common ground the way a family does. Because all three men were passionate about their beliefs, passionate about public service, and passionate about getting things done for the American people.

Today most Senators and Congressmen are passionate about themselves, passionate about their political future and passionate about being mean to those they disagree with. Those Republicans who care only about trying to defeat President Obama and hope that a failure to get healthcare reform passed will be his "Waterloo", will receive no laughter, and no applause when they leave the stage. And they will have left no lasting impression with their audience.

And those Democrats who are more interested in protecting the interests of the insurance and pharmaceutical companies than standing up for the rights of the people, will likewise be ignored and forgotten by their audience when they leave the stage.

Someone told me they thought the way Ted Kennedy got along with his adversaries was "old school". There's nothing old about treating people honestly and respectfully, there's nothing old about seeking the facts and honoring the truth, and there's certainly nothing old about being a nice, charming, funny, smart person who treats people in a caring way.

I would call the political discourse of today more like elementary school, except that would be unfair to elementary school kids. And the mean spiritedness of some politicians and some of those in the media is more like high school.

One of the few to rise above this pettiness and demonization is President Obama, whose judgement, intelligence, fairness and humor often make him appear to be the only adult in the room. That's why Ted Kennedy saw Obama as the best person to carry the Kennedy torch.

As we approach the closing act of the healthcare debate, both Republicans and Democrats are not connecting with the audience. They can choose to leave the stage before the show is over, like some Republicans have done. They can try to win the audience over with cheap, mean-spirited material.

Or they can do as Teddy would have done. They can be smart. They can be honest. They can be nice. And yes, they can be funny. And if they can do all of that, they will earn the standing ovation America just gave Ted Kennedy.

And when that happens, Ted Kennedy will have the last laugh.

What Do Republicans Really Want?

2009-08-19T14:14:00.015-04:00

If the Republicans actually had a platform on healthcare reform, here's my version of what it might look like.

"As Republicans, we ask 'Who says our healthcare system doesn't work?' The CEO of AETNA made $24 million last year.It certainly works for him. Sure there's 47 million Americans who don't have health insurance, but we're more concerned about making sure those CEO's don't get a salary cut.

That's why we hate the idea of a public option. By increasing competition and lowering costs, the CEO of AETNA might have to settle for only $12 million a year. Who can live on that? And if the insurance companies make less money, that means they'll contribute less money to our reelection campaigns. And by the way, although we hate to say anything nice about Democrats, Senate Finance Chairman Max Baucus feels the same way as we do on this. He should. He's received $3.9 million from those insurance guys.

We hate the idea of a nameless, faceless government bureaucrat coming between you and your doctor. Of course we've never met a nameless, faceless government bureaucrat. They're pretty hard to find, being nameless and faceless and all. But we love the idea of a nameless, faceless insurance company bureaucrat coming between you and your doctor. Because they're just looking out for you. They're not in it for the money.

Those liberals ask why we're the only industrialized nation without national healthcare. And we tell them, because we're better than everyone else! Do you really think we're going to support a government run public option just because a bunch of French people like the idea? We'd rather eat a bucket of Freedom Fries than spend a minute in that left-wing foreign-speaking country.

And so, you might ask, what kind of healthcare reform do we support? Well, to be perfectly honest, we actually agree with about 70% of what's in all of those bills floating around. But we're not interested in seeing any healthcare reform bill passed. Even one we agree with. Why let Obama get all the credit for living up to his campaign promise, when we can defeat healthcare reform, make him look weak, and be sitting pretty in 2010? And with all the money we'll get from the insurance companies, we should win then too.

Just between you and me, we don't know why Obama seems willing to give in on the public option. Whether it's in there or not, we're still not going to vote for the bill. So he might as well fight to keep it in there. But don't tell him we said that.

So what kind of healthcare reform do we Republicans really want? The kind that keeps the Republican party healthy. None."

Warning: Supporting Health Care Reform May Be Dangerous To Your Health

2009-08-09T10:43:00.005-04:00

Healthy debate is what America is all about. But the ugly, undemocratic behavior by a few Americans in health care town hall meetings is making me sick.

Democratic Congressman Brad Miller of North Carolina, who supports health care reform, even received a death threat last week. How's that for a little irony? A guy wants to make sure Americans receive better health care so they can live a longer, healthier life. And someone threatens to kill him for that.

Town hall meetings serve the valuable and democratic purpose of giving Americans the chance to ask their representatives any question they might have about the life and death issue of health care. Maybe they should have posted a few rules online first.

When you ask your question, give your representative a chance to answer the question, without shouting them down and yelling at them.

Let other Americans ask a question too, without shouting them down and yelling at them.

Don't repeat verbatim the words that conservative special interest groups are telling you to say. Change the words around a little. If you say, "I don't want a government bureaucrat coming between the doctor-patient relationship", people are going to know you didn't come up with that on your own.

Don't believe every health care email you read. Some can be pretty bogus. I got one that was filled with misleading information. I think it was written by the same Nigerian prince that claims you have 800 million dollars waiting for you in the bank.

I can understand if Americans don't know what a town hall meeting is all about. Remember all those town hall meetings during the runup to the Iraq war? Oh that's right. There weren't any. How about all those town hall meetings about the Bush-Cheney energy plan? Oh, yeah-there weren't any then either. In fact, Cheney kept all of the meetings about the energy bill secret. Now that's democracy in action!

Maybe we need something like the "Beer Summit" to resolve this issue in a calm, reasonable manner. But since beer isn't the greatest thing for your health, we need another form of liquid nourishment.

The Intravenous Summit?

If we could all just take a deep breath, calm down, and act like people who love democracy and freedom of speech for all, we might actually be able to come up with a health care plan that most Americans could feel good about.

Now that would be something to shout about!

Finding Peace at Summer Camp

2009-06-29T14:56:00.014-04:00

In my ongoing quest to find common ground between liberals and conservatives, Democrats and Republicans, let's go to camp!

Not just any summer camp. The Seeds of Peace camp where each summer, Israelis and Palestinians, and teenagers from other warring nations come together in an idyllic setting in Maine. To play sports, to laugh at the same jokes, and to engage in spirited, intense, yet respectful debate about the issues in the Middle East. Exactly what the "adults" on all sides have not been doing.

Just as teenagers are the people to turn to when your computer is acting up, they are also the ones who have a better handle on how to "fix" the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Consider this hopeful comment reported today by the New York Times:

"After the dialogue sessions have ended, everyone's really OK. We get together, we hug, we kiss," said Marian, a Palestinian from Ramallah who attended camp in 2007 and returned this year to help the newcomers."

For the past seven years, Palestinian-American comedian Dean Obeidallah and I(a Jewish-American comedian) have performed our comedy show "Standup for Peace: The Two Comedian Solution to Middle East Peace at colleges, theaters, Jewish Community Centers, synagogues and mosques across the U.S.

And one of our most gratifying and memorable performances was in 2005 for an audience of Israelis and Palestinians in their 20's who had returned to the Seeds of Peace camp in Maine 10 years after their initial visit. The same material we perform for American audiences was equally well-received at the camp. And of course, as usual, we crafted routines specifically geared for the Israelis and Palestinians in attendance. We still fondly recall the positive comments we received after the show from Israelis and Palestinians alike, who were thankful for a chance to spend an evening together laughing, and to walk away from the show with renewed hope for a better future. Dean and I especially cherish this quote from Vera Chang:

"I had the honor of working at the Seeds of Peace International Camp in Maine for the Leadership Summit, where I was captivated by your Standup for Peace show. It was not only incredibly funny and entertaining, but also carried peaceful messages of understanding. It was truly amazing to witness the Israelis and Palestinians come together after the performance later that night and reenact jokes, making both sides laugh."

I think we can all agree that the status quo in the Middle East isn't working for both Israelis and Palestinians. The rocket attacks from Hamas and Israel's bombing of Gaza only contribute to a cycle of violence that keeps both sides further away from peace. The only way to achieve peace in the Middle East is to talk. Some people say, "We tried talking; it didn't work". That's like saying, "I tried breathing; I didn't care for it".

When it comes to breathing new life into the quest for Middle East peace, the best place to start is the Seeds of Peace camp. And the Israeli and Palestinian teenagers there right now, know the best way to bring about peace is to talk to each other, listen to each other, express their varying points of view, and in the end, as Marian from Ramallah says, "We hug and kiss."

Now that's the kind of common ground we can all share.

Hey, It's a Joke!

2009-06-18T15:46:00.016-04:00

Every American, whether they are liberal or conservative, Democrat or Republican, has something important in common.

We like to laugh.

And at a time when economic distress and other pressing problems face our country, we need to laugh now more than ever. Yet some Americans aren't just not laughing at the jokes, they want to stop comedians from telling jokes in the first place.

Those who urge advertisers to boycott the Late Show with David Letterman because of his jokes about Sarah Palin's adult daughter, and who even seek to have Letterman fired, remind me of the reaction to Bill Maher's very different kind of comments on his "Politically Incorrect" show shortly after the attacks of September 11. And at the time, I had this letter published in The New York Times:

"The television stations that drop ''Politically Incorrect,'' and the advertisers that boycott the show, are the ones guilty of a lack of patriotism, not its host, Bill Maher. It would be chilling if one of the first casualties of our war for freedom was our right to debate all opinions vigorously, no matter how unpopular, here at home. Whatever the nature of Mr. Maher's misinterpreted remarks, his rights and those of his guests to exercise freedom of speech should not be silenced."

Not long after that letter was published, Maher's show was cancelled. Fortunately HBO had the good sense shortly thereafter, to hire him as the host of a new show.

Letterman's Palin jokes were like all jokes. Some people thought they were funny. Some people didn't think they were funny. And some people were offended. The same three reactions all comedians, including myself, can expect. In the past, if you didn't think someone on television was funny, you had a surefire option. Turn the channel. Lately, some Americans seem to be ignoring their remote in favor of an advertiser boycott.

So far, only Embassy Suites(a Hilton family hotel) has caved in to the pressure from a handful of Americans, and cancelled its online advertising for the Letterman show and CBS. Which drew the ire of the letter writer in me once again. To the Hilton office, I wrote:

"As a longtime Hilton Honors member and a former warmup comedian for the Late Show with David Letterman, I was extremely disappointed to learn that Embassy Suites was pulling its online advertising for the Letterman show. By giving in to the pressure of right wing groups, Embassy Suites and the entire family of Hilton hotels, is rejecting the democratic ideals of free speech this country was founded upon. If your online advertising for the Letterman show is not reinstated, I will exercise my democratic rights by not staying at any Hilton properties in the future."

That letter isn't funny. Because comedians like myself aren't laughing at the way Sarah Palin unjustly attacked Letterman and essentially called him a child molester. Letterman has been singled out for going after the Palin family, even though both Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien performed similiar jokes during the campaign. Letterman has gone way above and beyond the call of duty, by apologizing numerous times. I wish he simply could have said, "Hey, it's a JOKE!" But that would not have satisfied a publicity hungry politician willing to use her children, rather than her intellect, to stay in the public eye.

There are many issues we should be vigorously debating right now in our country. Whether a comedian has the right to tell a joke should not be one of them.

Sarah Palin Gets A Bronx Cheer

2009-06-08T22:35:00.010-04:00

As a political comedian, I was thrilled that Sarah Palin was in New York over the weekend. But not as thrilled as the owners of the New York Yankees. Palin was at Yankee Stadium with Rudy Giuliani on Sunday, making them the first people to actually sit in those $2600 seats behind home plate. Not that they paid for the tickets. Palin may not like accepting federal stimulus money to help Alaskans, but she's happy to say "you betcha!" when offered free first row Yankees tickets.

Apparently when Giuliani first asked Palin to go to the game, she said no. Then she said it was a communication error, and that she had meant to say yes. Even though she wasn't sure if Giuliani had in fact asked her in the first place. Then she told Giuliani she wasn't going, until she found out he had invited Newt Gingrich to the game instead of her. But since Gingrich had been chosen as the keynote speaker for a Republican National Committee dinner on Monday, after Palin had said no, then yes, then she was never asked, then yes, then I'll just sit in the crowd and wave, Gingrich had to stay home and study for his big speech. Or Twitter about Sonia Sotomayor. So Palin wound up going.

I'm sorry Palin didn't get the chance to speak at the dinner Monday. And so is Tina Fey. Palin is fascinating and fun to watch. Newt Gingrich, not so much. In fact, I wish it was Sarah Palin and not Dick Cheney who was monopolizing the airwaves lately. Even though they both say things I strongly disagree with, I'm happy to watch Palin as she says those things I strongly disagree with. When Cheney speaks, the darkness and gloom overwhelms me so much, I have to turn the channel.

So I hope Palin doesn't act like a stranger, and visits New York more often. Maybe next time she can go to a Mets game and sit in the first row behind home plate at Citi Field. Those free tickets only cost about $600.

How To Reform Health Care In A Minute

2009-05-25T20:21:00.009-04:00

As I was walking on the street today, I was approached by a friendly young person with a clipboard, a telltale clue that either my signature or donation, or both, were being sought. Since I was in a hurry, I quickened my pace, darted my eyes to the side, and hoped I could elude my well-meaning solicitor. Watching me go from 0 to 60, he let out a last ditch plea, "Have a minute to reform health care?"

My first thought was: Is that how long it takes to change our ridiculously expensive and inefficient health care system? A minute? Maybe instead of months of hearings and discussion groups, Democrats and Republicans could take a minute to settle this thing.
They could just say "Single payer. Just like Medicare. Universal health care. Government pays for it. Employers don't." And they'd still have 30 seconds left over to pat themselves on the back.

Health care reform really could get done that quickly, except that almost no one is even putting a single payer plan on the table to consider. Even the public program to compete with the existing private plans proposal is criticized by Republicans and Democrats in the pocket of the insurance companies, because it's (gasp) GOVERNMENT RUN HEALTH CARE!

Do those who hate the thought of GOVERNMENT RUN HEALTH CARE really LOVE what we have now? Do they sit around and think, "Boy, do I love Oxford! Oh, and that Aetna is pretty fantastic too."

I know what some of you are thinking. "That sounds like France-do you want us to be like France?" Actually since France's health care system was ranked No. 1 by the World Health Organization, my answer is "Yes!". And their baguettes are pretty good too.
"But that's SOCIALISM!. Do you want us to be like Norway" Well, considering the fact that Norway has been called the country with the happiest people, maybe that wouldn't be such a bad idea. I don't care if our health care system is socialist, liberal, conservative, Democratic or Republican. I just want every American to have access to the very best health care at a very affordable rate. And single payer, GOVERNMENT RUN health care is the best way to do it.

Insurance companies shouldn't run our health care. They should run the Defense Department. Because I'd like to see some non-covered expenses when it comes to war. When we plan to drop bombs that inadvertently kill Afghan civilians, it would be great if an insurance company could step in and say, "Uh-Uh. That's not covered. You can't drop those bombs."

Both Democrats and Republicans are missing the boat if they don't consider the single payer Government health plan. Some Republicans support universal health care only for stem cells. And some Democrats insist that a government run plan should keep the features of a private insurance plan. Sure, why would you want to eliminate that good 'ol waste, inefficiency, inaccessibility and unfairness of our present failed system?

And why doesn't corporate America jump on the single payer bandwagon? If GM and Chrysler didn't have to spend billions on health care, they might actually be able to make some money, instead of having to terminate dealers who've been with them for decades.

All I'm asking is that we give single payer government health care a fair hearing. After all, it's not healthy to keep good ideas from getting some air.

Rush To Judgement

2009-05-12T14:26:00.010-04:00

One of the toughest gigs for a comedian is the White House Correspondents Dinner. Trying to make Democrats, Republicans, liberal and conservative reporters, and celebrities who don't read the newspaper, all laugh at the same time is even harder than getting John Boehner to smile. And your opening act is the President of the United States, who watches your show in a seat five feet away.

I thought Wanda Sykes did a great job Saturday night. She got steady, consistent laughs, and even some applause breaks. And when the crowd groaned on occasion, she got them laughing again by saying "Too much?"

The outcry about her Rush Limbaugh jokes ignored the fact that she joked about Democrats and Republicans and the President and Michelle Obama as well. And while critics focused on her morbid Limbaugh reference, they didn't mention her equally morbid reference to Presidential succession and Nancy Pelosi. And they left out the many witty jokes and insightful satirical remarks she made about torture and other topics.

Those who say Sykes went over the line with her Limbaugh jokes, should be asked how many times Limbaugh himself goes over the line with mean and often factually incorrect innuendo on his radio program. None of these critics are suggesting Limbaugh's words be silenced yet they think Sykes' jokes should have been censored.

Comedy is the most subjective of art forms. What one finds funny another might deem offensive. Case in point. Early in my career, I was performing on a show with Andrew Dice Clay, a nice guy whose stage persona includes material about women and ethnic groups, considered by many to be offensive. I am a political comedian who uses no "dirty" language and doesn't go after minority groups and women. Yet that night, I was hissed for my Reagan jokes and Clay got a standing ovation. That night, I was the offensive comedian.

I have worked with Wanda many times, and think she is a very talented comedian and a warm, funny person as well. Her humor tends to be blunt, pointed and in-your-face, as the Limbaugh lines attest to. She wasn't joking about September 11 itself, nor was she wishing for Limbaugh to die. These were jokes, over the top to be sure, but not over the line. Because the intent was to make people laugh, not to hurt anyone. And in the end, her jokes were the gift that keeps on giving for Limbaugh, who will milk her routine on the air for the next few weeks. Which is his right. Because both Limbaugh and Sykes are entertainers. To me, there is nothing remotely funny or entertaining about Limbaugh. And I find Wanda Sykes to be very funny, even if some of her jokes are not my kind of humor.

This is America folks. Laugh at what you think is funny. And if you're not laughing, turn the channel. But don't stop other people from laughing. Whatever we comedians say, in the end we're just men and women trying to make people happy.

But if you want to talk offensive and mean, let's go back to the 2004 White House Correspondents Dinner when President Bush narrated a slide show depicting him looking around the Oval Office for weapons of mass destruction. And like in Iraq, not finding any. The media assembled that night roared with laughter, as complicit then as they were in the run up to the war where they hardly challenged the Bush Administration's unfounded and manipulative case for war. There was little outcry then about President Bush making jokes about the fact that the whole basis for invading Iraq, weapons of mass destruction, was a false one.

Rush Limbaugh jokes may or may not be funny to you, but going to war under false pretenses and then joking about it, shouldn't be funny to anyone.

Torture Is A Four Letter Word

2009-04-27T11:52:00.007-04:00

At the risk of being called a bad speller, I think torture is a four letter word. The outcry that greeted Fox anchor Shepard Smith's comments on The Strategy Room that "We're America, we don't f-ing torture", had more to do with uttering a four letter word, than courageously speaking the truth. When it comes to fundamental American values, Shep Smith knows that what's important is right and wrong, not right and left.

Contrast Smith's reasoned and principled views on torture to that of Sean Hannity. Hannity did a disservice to servicemen around the world but mocking the severity of waterboarding by agreeing to be "tortured" for charity. Our use of torture has been a rallying cry and recruiting tool for terrorists around the world, and exposes our own soldiers to the threat of being tortured themselves. Hannity probably also thinks playing video war games is the same as actually serving in the military, which he never did.

And what charity would want to benefit from the distasteful spectacle of a TV personality participating in a simulation of an act that is illegal under American and international law? The Dick Cheney Torture Fund? Hannity is smart enough to know that it's not torture if you're being doused with water by an intern on your staff, who you can be reasonably sure is not going to harm you. It's like watching a regular on a weekly TV series in a life or death situation. You know he's going to live to be on next week's show. If Hannity really wants to get the full waterboarding experience, he should have volunteered for "extraordinary rendition" from the Bush Administration and gone to a country like Syria. Maybe then he'd realize that waterboarding is torture and "enhanced interrogation" is getting good reception on your cellphone.

So thanks again Shep Smith, for telling viewers that torture is wrong, and America does not torture. And contrary to some captions accompanying the online video, Smith didn't "lose it" on The Strategy Room. He gained the moral high ground in the debate about what kind of country we want America to be.

Four letter words aren't obscene. But torture most certainly is.

Succeed, not Secede

2009-04-17T08:25:00.006-04:00

Texas Governor Rick Perry hopes the notion of having Texas secede, will lead him to succeed in the GOP primary next year. And that, coupled with his refusal to accept certain Federal stimulus money, is what his rabble rousing performance at the April 15 tea parties is really all about.

Unlike South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, whose similiar stance on the stimulus money is principled and thoughtful, although misguided, Perry is exploiting the legitimate concerns of his constituents to pander to a miniscule minority who want to secede from America, instead of working to make America succeed.

There is nothing more American than taking to the streets to protest something the U.S. government has done. Just as I proudly demonstrated against the Iraq War, Americans have the right to register their dissent with our economic policies. But urging your state to leave the country is literally un-American. And, contrary to what some have said, the Texas Constitution does not grant the right of Texas to secede. Here are a few reasons why Texas should not seceed.

If Texas secedes:

George W. Bush would be the first former President to become a foreign citizen.

The Dallas Cowboys would have to leave the National Football League. And no more Cotton Bowl. The Texas Rangers would be renamed the Texas Seceders.

If you're a country, you can't get away with a slogan: "Don't Mess with Texas". It's just not very diplomatic.

If Rick Perry is unqualified to be Governor, imagine what he'd be like as President.

And finally, there won't be any more Fourth of July barbeques from Dallas to San Antonio to Houston.

So c'mon Texas. Don't break up with us. Your country needs you.

Who Are You Rooting For?

2009-04-06T11:53:00.008-04:00

You would think that, as a native New Yorker who doesn't participate in online pools, I would have little or no vested interest in who wins tonight's NCAA basketball championship game. Yet I still feel conflicted. As one who roots for President Obama to succeed, should I support his ESPN pick of the University of North Carolina? Or should my empathy for those affected by the devastating unemployment situation in Michigan, make me choose Michigan State?

Whoever wins tonight, our domestic and foreign crises will still be there tomorrow. But sports gives us a welcome respite from those looming issues, because at the end of the game, there is a clear winner. The losing team can't demand a recount, and no championship has ever been decided by the Supreme Court.

Such easy resolutions don't often occur in politics and diplomacy. When was the last time two countries reached a peace agreement after one meeting? Some countries like North Korea and Iran may play "hard to get", but with persistent, direct diplomacy, real progress towards peaceful coexistence can be made.

It might be more dramatic to heave a half court shot at the buzzer, but a slow, deliberate march up the court, with smart passing while waiting for the best shot, has a higher chance of success. That's the strategy our basketball loving President likes to follow. And even though I'm not one to wager on sports, or even make predictions for no money online, I'm betting on this President not only to win, but to play the game with skill, intelligence, class and respect.

And while we're at it, why not have online pools for things other than NCAA sports? How about predicting which global conflicts will end first? Wouldn't it be great if the Sports Book in Vegas covered the Israeli-Palestinian conflict? I'd love to watch a bunch of bettors yelling, "Go Peace! C'mon you can do it! Negotiate! Go Peace!"

Now that's an online pool I'd be happy to be in.

A Comedian's Guide To The Economic Crisis

2009-03-25T22:49:00.001-04:00

I never thought I would need an MBA to make jokes about the news. But for the past several weeks, both onstage and in The Strategy Room at FoxNews.com, I've been searching for the side-splitting humor in credit default swaps, derivatives, and other words I had never thought about, much less uttered in public. But then I realized the so-called "financial experts" who actually know what those terms mean, didn't know(or didn't want to know) about the conditions that led to the financial meltdown. In fact, the talking heads on the business networks are as accurate as TV weathermen, but not as likable. And when weathermen get the forecast wrong, we don't lose lots of money. We just get a liitle wet.

Just as I was understanding "toxic assets", they changed it to "troubled assets". Troubled assets sound like assets with emotional problems. I can hear a troubled asset saying "I was happy until I got caught up in that subprime mess. Now I'm in therapy three times a week." At least if you're a troubled asset, you still have friends. Toxic assets must be pretty lonely. Now they're called "legacy". The assets may still be troubled, but now they have a better chance of getting into a good college.

Good banks and bad banks confuse me too. I don't want to demonize the 99% of bank employees who are decent and hard working, but the last time there was a good bank was in "It's A Wonderful Life". What do banks do for us anyway? They give us the privilege of depositing our money there, where it earns a lot of money for the banks and not so much for us. Especially after those $39 returned check fees. With the exception of the small number of local and regional banks who played by the rules and deserve to be commended, what is a good bank anyway? Do you ever hear someone extoll the virtues of a bank on Facebook? "I LOVE CHASE! It's SO much cooler than Citbank!"

Everyone's talking about how we don't want "our money" going to AIG bonuses. First of all, the vast majority of AIG employees did their job well, and had no connection to those who committed the reckless, risky and unethical activity. The bad apples don't deserve a penny, and should have been fired immediately. But "our money?" Of course, technically it's our money, but we're not going to have to pay for those bonuses ourselves. Our taxes won't go up because of it. It would be another thing altogether, if you looked at your bank statement and you saw a whopping "Bailout Charge" on it.

I understand the populist rage over inappropriate compensation, but where were the tea parties to protest the trillion dollars spent so far on the Iraq War? Distorting intelligence and deliberately misleading the American people should have gotten more people angry enough to take to the streets.

People can disagree about President Obama's economic policies, but those who challenge his work ethic have it wrong. An intelligent, well-rounded person like our President is capable of working hard on every important issue, and still take a few minutes to do his NCAA bracket. And I'm glad he's been on TV a lot lately. In stark contrast, George W. Bush had one press conference in his first nine months in office.

When we're faced with something as difficult to grasp as our financial crisis, we need our President to talk to us, explain to us, and ultimately reassure us. And those troubled assets.

Defend Love, Not Marriage

2009-03-15T20:57:00.009-04:00

Among the many things we're fighting for in this country, the defense of marriage should not be one of them. And I say that as a very happily married man.

And as unlikely as it sounds, repealing the Defense of Marriage Act is exactly the right issue to bring liberals like myself, and conservatives together for a change. One change would be to provide health benefits to same-sex partners of federal employees. The only thing standing in the way of President Obama fulfilling this campaign pledge is his desire not to alienate already uncooperative Republican lawmakers.

This is the time for Obama to stand firm on an issue that means so much to so many of his most passionate supporters. And also a time for true conservatives to have their desire not to have government intrude upon our personal lives, apply to gay lives as well. Not only is that the right thing to do, but it would actually help Republicans broaden their base as well.

The Defense of Marriage Act was passed during the Clinton presidency in 1996, approved by an overwhelming majority of Democrats as well as Republicans. It was the biggest display of bipartisan stupidity and hypocrisy Washington has ever seen. With all the domestic and international threats looming then, they considered marriage to be under attack, and declared that it only applied between a man and a woman. After the vote, some of them ran home to their bad marriages, or to the Mayflower hotel for illicit trysts.

One Republican congressman, Vito Fossella of Staten Island who voted for the bill, and who was a great champion of "family values", was forced from office when it was discovered that in addition to his wife and kids at home, he had another wife and kids near Washington. Apparently, Fossella's idea of family values was having as many families as possible.

The origins of marriage came out of purely financial considerations, so there is absolutely no "sanctity of marriage" to protect, as some sanctimonious Congressmen and Senators claim.

While marriage is not sacred, love is. And the right for every American to love freely is a basic and fundamental one that should be embraced by liberals and conservatives alike. And it follows rationally that same sex couples deserve the same health benefits and other rights that other couples enjoy now.

And hey, at $67 million a year to cover health benefits for same sex federal employees, it's practically a steal compared to other expenditures we're seeing these days.

But the cost of giving equal rights to all couples shouldn't be an issue.

Because you can't put a price on love.

Look Who's Talking

2009-03-05T20:37:00.001-05:00

When President Obama said, "We will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.", apparently he was referring to House Republicans. While the President's extended hand was met by clenched fists by all but three Republicans in Congress, his diplomatic outreach is being received warmly abroad.

After eight years of virtually no diplomacy, which is a diplomatic way of saying the Bush Administration alienated allies and antagonized foes, a veritable sea change has come to our foreign policy. America is talking again. Secretary of State Clinton announced this week that high level talks will take place between the U.S. and Syria. This is in stark contrast to Bush's disdain for Israel and Syria's attempts at diplomacy. Bush's view was probably that, "Israel and Syria should not talk peace until they fully explore all their military options."

And talking about the Middle East, a place where less talking went on the past eight years than at a dysfunctional family dinner, the U.S. is doing a lot of talking. Clinton talked to Israeli President Shimon Peres, because she would have had to do a lot of talking if she talked to all 35 of Israel's political parties. One party actually merges Holocaust survivors with those wishing to legalize marijuana. Which shows that Israel, despite its pressing problems, still has a sense of humor.

And while Clinton met with Mahmoud Abbas of Fatah, she didn't talk to Hamas, because it is considered a terrorist group. People forget that not too long ago, Fatah was considered a terrorist group that shouldn't be talked to. So while it's good to talk to your friends, you have to also talk to your adversaries. Israel can talk to Canada if it has some hockey or health insurance related questions, but when it comes to peace they must talk to Hamas.

Conservatives were aghast when a "secret" letter Obama wrote to the Russian President was revealed. I guess it's not too secret when it's on the front page of every newspaper. The letter supposedly raised the possibility of the U.S. not putting missile shields in Poland and the Czech Republic if Russia used its influence to get Iran to pull back from its nuclear ambitions. Besides the fact that many Poles and Czechs really didn't want the shield anyway, and that it might not even work and still cost billions, if Iran could be persuaded not to develop those weapons, there would be no need for a missile shield in the first place. And the Russian President must have been pretty impressed to receive a snail mail letter. Because President Obama knows you don't text Russia to negotiate with Iran. "Hey Dmitri, can u c what u can do about Iran? Thnx. B" Emily Post would be so proud.

"All talk, no action" used to be a derogatory term. But after eight years of disastrous actions with hardly any talk, our very diplomatic President is giving us change we can believe in, as well as talk about.

My Jumbotron View of The Inauguration

2009-01-28T15:12:00.007-05:00

Never before have so many traveled so far to see a slightly obstructed view of a Jumbotron screen, light years away from where the swearing in ceremonies were taking place. And that's the real story of the Obama Inauguration.

Contrast that to the final months of the Bush administration, when turning on a remote to watch Bush stumble his way through a news conference, was simply not worth the effort.

It was incredibly moving to see the very young and old, the infirmed and the slow of foot, brave the cold and the claustrophobia to witness this historic day.

But for the rest of us whose journey was nowhere near as difficult, we should retire our war stories about getting up early on a cold morning and being squished as we valiantly tried to see above the person blocking our partial view of the Jumbotron.

When President Obama(that's the first time I've typed those words and it feels really good) called on us to perform public service, I don't think he considered standing in the cold to be a fulfillment of that requirement. Using a port-o-potty doesn't absolve us from any future activism or participation in worthwhile causes.

My Jumbotron view of the Inaugural concert two days earlier, was unobstructed, and at least I knew the general direction of where the entertainment was taking place. Change was certainly in the air when a bald eagle was gently brought on stage to flutter about for a few moments. If this were Bush's inaugural, Dick Cheney would have shot the bald eagle. And simultaneously taken it off the endangered species list. While I was in DC, I saw Cheney's limo whisk by one day. I knew it was Cheney because instead of a siren, a voice from the limo barked, "Get out of my way. I'm right and you're wrong."

Happily the tone has changed. Even more happily, so has the cast of characters. All of us who were there were extras(or background actors as SAG and AFTRA remind us) in all this, but if we're going to play a more principal role in helping our incredibly gifted President, we're going to have to do a lot more than just stand there.

Israel Seeks Three Hour Ceasefire for Screen Actors Guild Awards Show

2009-01-15T09:31:00.007-05:00

Although Israel is planning many more days of bombing and killing in Gaza, it reportedly wants a three hour ceasefire to allow its troops to watch the 15th annual Screen Actors Guild awards, live from Hollywood on January 25. "It's the only awards show where only actors vote for actors", said a government spokesman.

Israel will not seek a ceasefire for the Academy Awards on February 22 even though "Waltz with Bashir", an Israeli film about the futility of war will probably be nominated. "We have no interest in watching a film that thinks war is futile", said the Israeli government spokesman. "We think war is moral, ethical, effective and a great political tool to keep indicted Prime Ministers in office."

Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert was recently indicted for the second time on corruption charges. Olmert said he is not interested in making a deal with Hamas. "The only deal I'm interested in", Olmert said, "is a plea deal to keep me from going to prison." With the war in Gaza popular with most Israelis, Olmert hopes that his war crimes will make voters forget about his crimes of bribery and corruption.

While Olmert supports the SAG Awards ceasefire, he is against a week-long "humanitarian" ceasefire proposed by his rivals Tzipi Livni and Ehud Barak.
If SAG awarded a "Chutzpah" award, Livni and Barak would win it for asking for a "humanitarian ceasefire" to deal with a humanitarian crisis they helped create.

Today an Israeli artillery attack set the UN compound in Gaza on fire, destroyed tons of food and humanitarian supplies and forced hundreds of refugees sheltering inside to flee. And Israel wonders why it's not too popular with the United Nations.

Barak denied reports that he called the attack on the UN headquarters "a grave mistake". "It's a grave", Barak said, "but it's not a mistake".

Israel Blames Bernie Madoff For Civilian Casualties

2009-01-06T13:55:00.029-05:00

Israeli authorities revealed today that losses from investments with Bernie Madoff, forced Israel to cut one of The Ten Commandments, "Thou Shall Not Kill", and led to the deaths of over 600 men, women and children in Gaza.

Israel also said Madoff was a member of Hamas, just so they could blame Hamas for the killings too. "When you steal money from people, that's a terrorist act", said an Israeli government spokesman. When asked if bombing and killing civilians was also an act of terror, he said " We don't target civilians. We target the buildings we know civilians are hiding in."

Israel's Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni said "There is no humanitarian crisis in the Strip and therefore there is no need for a humanitarian truce." Livni also said that the earth is flat.

Livni is right that it's not a humanitarian crisis-it's a humanitarian disaster.

Before the Israeli invasion, it was a humanitarian crisis. Four of five Gazans lived on $2 or less a day. Seven of 10 were out of work. Electricity lasted for a quarter to a third of the day. But compared to the current situation, those were the good old days.

Israel is expected to continue fighting until January 20 at noon, when Barack Obama takes the oath of office.

When it comes to speaking out against the war crimes of Israel and Hamas, Obama needs to drop the "We only have one President at a time" schtick. After all, does anyone really consider George W. Bush the President anymore?

Israel Says It's OK To Bomb and Kill People On The Sabbath As Long As You Don't Drive Or Turn On Any Lights

2008-12-27T13:09:00.016-05:00

Israeli authorities assured its people today that you can kill over 200 people and drop hundreds of bombs on the Sabbath, but warned against violating other Sabbath rules like driving a car or turning lights on in the house.

"You've got to draw the line somewhere", said Ehud Barak, the Israeli Defense Minister. Barak cited an obscure, never before seen portion of the Torah that said,"Ye shall not work or operate machinery on the Sabbath, unless that machinery happens to be a fighter plane and your work involves dropping bombs on people".

Barak(no relation to Barack Obama who spells his name differently, and is a smart, compassionate human being), also announced that Israel would remove from Sabbath prayer books the line, "Seek peace and pursue it". Barak said the line was "dated", and really didn't work in the context of a heated political campaign. Barak, Tzipi Livni and Benjamin Netanyahu are vying for the job of Prime Minister, and observers say the one who acts in the most stupid, immoral and ineffective way, has the best shot at winning the election.

The assault was called "Shock and Oy Vey", an Israeli version of the American "Shock and Awe". It was launched in response to rocket attacks by a stupid, immoral and ineffective faction of Hamas.

The White House did not condemn the bombings, but urged Israel to "try to keep the number of innocent men, women and children killed down to a respectable figure".

The Orthodox Union had no comment on the bombings, but it did make an urgent announcement that Dietz and Watson Hoagie Dressing bears an unauthorized OU symbol and is not certified Kosher by the Orthodox Union.

Scott's NY Times Letter Published Today

2008-11-11T11:15:00.002-05:00

My parents are kvelling.

To the Editor:

Re “Can We Laugh? Yes, We Can” (Weekend section, Nov. 7):

As one of the few standup comedians who do political humor every day, and not just during historic presidential campaigns, I am thrilled about Barack Obama’s victory. Instead of rooting for him to stumble or bumble, as some comedians in the article do, I am looking to the Obama administration for inspiration and hope, not just comedic material.

To borrow the words of our last transformational president, John F. Kennedy, “Ask not what your country can do for political comedians, ask what political comedians can do for your country.” And for those who ask whether comedians like me will be able to find jokes that are as intelligent as the president we seek to satirize, the answer is “yes, we can.”

Scott Blakeman
Brooklyn, Nov. 8, 2008

Oh What A Night

2008-11-05T20:19:00.008-05:00

If you wrote a script that told the story of what happened last night, people would have said it was too far fetched and it could never happen. And that people aren't buying political scripts.

But last night really happened. And it went almost exactly the way we hoped it would.

After all, hope is what the Obama campaign was all about. And where there's laughter, there's hope. So when people ask political comedians like myself which candidate would be better for comedy, I tell them "Country First. Comedy Second."

I spent the hours leading up to and following Obama's victory co-hosting the Election Night coverage on WFUV Radio in New York. My wife Ruth sat in the newsroom with mostly Obama supporters who tried to suppress their growing enthusiasm out of respect for journalistic integrity. As a comedian, not a journalist, I whooped it up off air in a slightly restrained way, as each Obama state was announced. On the air, I saw the AP flash appear at the bottom of the Associated Press "wire". It said simply, "Obama wins Presidency".

After George Bodarky, WFUV news director announced the big news, I talked about a friend of my wife and I who recently moved here from Gabon in Africa, where my wife served in the Peace Corps. I repeated what she told my wife moments earlier.

"This is the America I came here for."

As anxious as we all were about this election, we now feel relieved. First, there was no Bradley Effect. Second, the Bradley Effect only happened twice, and hopefully will never manifest itself again. And finally, Obama won states that Democrats haven't won for a long time. And rural white voters helped make that happen.

Here in New York, the Democrats control the Governor's office and the State Senate and Assembly for the first time since 1935. The President that year was FDR. And hopefully, the Obama Presidency will bring us a 2009 version of The New Deal.

It would have been a perfect night if Al Franken had won. Although he still might after the recount. Most candidates have to defend their votes. Franken had to defend his jokes. And ran an admirable campaign. That Senate seat belonged to Paul Wellstone, who was killed tragically and somewhat mysteriously right before the last election in 2002. Wellstone was a passionate progressive who is the role model for the way our leaders should be. And he was my wife's political science professor at Carleton College. Hopefully the recount will replace Norm Coleman, who was a very unworthy successor to Wellstone.

Barack Obama achieved the greatest happiness of his life last night. Just days after the woman who helped shape his life, his grandmother, passed away. But the AP flashed this bit of news as well. His grandmother's absentee ballot was going to count, because her death certificate was filed after the ballot was received.

So even after her death, Barack Obama's grandmother's voice was heard.
And for the first time in a long, long time, our voices were heard too.

McCain Reveals He Made Prank Call to Palin

2008-11-03T17:02:00.015-05:00

John McCain revealed today that the Canadian comics who made a prank call to Sarah Palin were not the first to do so. McCain said he made a prank call to Palin after deciding on his Vice-Presidential running mate. The transcript follows:

McCain: Hi Sarah, this is John McCain.
Palin: Oh my gosh, I can't believe you're calling me!
McCain: I can't believe you actually gave me your real phone number on that matchbook.
Palin: Us Alaskan gals are straight shooters.
McCain: Then I guess Dick Cheney isn't Alaskan. Heh, heh.
Palin: You betcha he isn't.
McCain: Here's a kneeslapper for you. What do you call an Eskimo taking off one of their seven layers of outerwear?
Palin: I love riddles! I don't know, what?
McCain: An Alaskan porno film.
Palin: Boy, you sure keep those jokes comin', don't cha.
McCain: They don't call me the Straight Talk Express for nothing.
Palin: I though that nickname meant you worked on the railroad.
McCain: The reason I'm calling you Sarah is because I'm the Republican nominee for President...
Palin: I hadn't heard that. Are they having those elections again this year?
McCain: They have Presidential elections every four years.
Palin: Oh, I thought they just did that with the Olympics.
McCain: Sarah, I'd like you to be my Vice-Presidential running mate.
Palin: Oh my gosh Mr. McCain that's sooo flattering, but I'm married.
McCain: Sarah, I want you to be on my ticket as Vice-President.
Palin: Me? Wow, that's great. What does the Vice-President do again?
McCain: Basically you stay out of sight during the campaign and go to state funerals when you're in The White House.
Palin: Cool. Can I get money for some swanky funeral duds?
McCain: How does $150,000 sound?
Palin: Great. I'd love to be your Vice-President!

(At this point, Palin's cellphone loses the call. McCain is unaware of this and keeps talking)

McCain: Sarah, actually I gotta tell you that you've been pranked or punked or whatever they call it. I love a practical joke. How could I pick you as my running mate? You're not qualified to be Vice-President or President. Anyway, I picked my good friend Joe Lieberman to be my running mate.
Hope you didn't mind the prank. Bye, Sarah.

After Palin's cellphone lost the call, she called every media outlet in Alaska to break the good news that she was McCain's VP choice. After the news broke, McCain couldn't admit that the whole thing had been a big joke.

God Endorses Kay Hagan

2008-11-01T20:54:00.015-04:00

Making his first political endorsement since the beginning of time, God endorsed Kay Hagan for the Senate in North Carolina.

God said he or she was supporting Hagan because of Elizabeth Dole's commercial implying Hagan was an atheist. "Kay Hagan believes in me", said God. "And I should know."

God went on to say how fed up he or she was with being mentioned constantly by political candidates. "Hey, whatever happened to the separation of church and state?", the deity added. "I've got an ego like anyone else in the public eye, but there's a time and place for mentioning my name. Like the church, synagogue, mosque or venue of your choice. But not the political arena."

God lashed out at Sarah Palin's comment about a $30 billion national gas pipeline in Alaska. Palin said "I think God's will has to be done in unifying people and companies to get that gas line built, so pray for that."

"How does she know what I want?", God asked. "There are a lot more important things to pray for than a gas pipeline. You can start with praying that she doesn't become Vice-President."

God also took issue with Palin's statement that "our national leaders are sending [U.S. soldiers] out on a task that is from God."

"I didn't tell them to invade Iraq, George W. Bush did. I'm tired of all this senseless killing in my name. If I had intended man to kill in war, I wouldn't have put apples on the Tree of Life, I would have put grenades. And I would have changed the name of the tree."

God declined to offer an endorsement for President, but he or she added, "One of the candidates has the ability to bring great change to the world. But I'm not going to point to him and say, 'That one'. Because sometimes, people just have to figure these things out for themselves."

Shepard Smith Redeems Fox News for Five Minutes

2008-10-31T20:04:00.005-04:00

For liberals who want to wake up in the morning without caffeine, Fox News provides the adrenaline they need. Writing copy for Fox News during the election campaign means copying the Republican playbook and pasting it verbatim on the teleprompter. No baseless charge against Obama is too baseless for Fox. It is not even journalism of the lowest order. It is simply the lowest order, with no journalism involved.

That's why Shepard Smith's interview with Joe The Plumber was so transformational for Fox. Joe(not his real name) the Plumber(unlicensed) had a news conference Wednesday, the same day he announced he had a publicist, an agent and was looking to land a country music record deal and/or run for Congress. Just the kind of thing average working Joes do.

In his interview with Shepard Smith, Joe said that he agreed with a questioner at the news conference that "a vote for Obama means Death to Israel". I expected Smith, like all good Fox anchors, to egg Joe on even more, and to get him to say Obama was a terrorist who wanted to destroy Israel.

But then something wonderful happened. Smith began to challenge Joe on why he would say that. Joe answered, "Well, I'm not an expert on foreign policy so I'm asking your viewers to do the research to find out why I think that". Smith went on to say twice that Barack Obama has stated firmly many times that he is a strong supporter of Israel, and that the United States will always be a friend of Israel.

And after the interview ended, Smith repeated that statement, and then, seeming to refer to statements by Joe The Plumber and other uninformed purveyors of malicious misinformation about Obama, Shepard Smith, Fox News anchor said, "Man, things are getting scary".

If the Republicans lose Fox News, how can they expect to win this election?

Like The Emperor, Sarah Palin Has No Clothes

2008-10-30T17:42:00.009-04:00

Sarah Palin defended the $150,000 the RNC spent on her clothing by describing how inexpensive her jewelry was. It's a few days before the election, and she's talking accessories. She doesn't sound like a Vice Presidential candidate. She sounds like a host on QVC.

After saying that Obama is a socialist who would take away your property and money, as well as other certifiably insane comments, the only article of clothing she needed was a straightjacket.

Palin already had clothes. They should have spent the money on foreign policy tutors, domestic policy tutors, history tutors, geography tutors, math tutors and grammar tutors. And since teachers are notoriously underpaid, they could have gotten all that for closer to $23,000. Which is the amount Palin's traveling makeup artist got paid the first two weeks of October, making her the highest paid member of the McCain campaign during that period. And Palin's traveling hair stylist got $10,000. Of course she was called a "communications consultant". When the press asked Palin a question, she said "Talk to the hair".

John McCain said he's not George W. Bush. Now he says he's not John McCain.

McCain has reinvented himself into a worse candidate than he was in 2000, when he was a Republican you could at least respect while you disagreed with him. The 2000 McCain would have publicly mocked Joe The Plumber. Today he invited him to a rally, and when McCain introduced him, Joe The Plumber wasn't even there. When you get dissed by a famous yet functionally illiterate ignoramus, you know the campaign is not going well.

The Florida local anchorwoman who asked Joe Biden if Obama was a Marxist must have attended the Joseph McCarthy School of Journalism. She also asked Biden if our days as a superpower are over if Obama is elected. With questions like that, her days on local news should be over. Instead she'll probably get her own show on Fox News, co-anchoring with Joe The Plumber.

Will Elisabeth Hasselbeck Endorsement Be Game Changer for McCain-Palin?

2008-10-25T18:46:00.015-04:00

When Elisabeth Hasselbeck introduced Sarah Palin at rallies in Florida today, the two looked like they were auditioning for a right wing version of "The View" for Fox News.

The coveted Hasselbeck endorsement, along with Patricia Heaton and Kelsey Grammer, means McCain-Palin has received the support of all three conservative entertainment personalities.

Yet John McCain's poll numbers continue to fall so much that he now opens his speeches with "My friend".

I just performed at a fundraiser for a new film called "Maximum Fun". Sounds like the story of John McCain's years at the Naval Academy. What's more fun than finishing fifth from the bottom of your class?

John McCain continues to be obsessed with Joe The Plumber. I expect Sarah Palin to give a speech on abstinence and talk about Linda The Tramp.

Palin seems to suggest that real Americans drop their g's. That has alienated voters in New England, who believe that real Americans drop their r's.

I think the only reason there are still undecided voters is that they hope to be featured in an undecided voters segment on CNN.

Here in New York City, an undecided voter is someone who's not sure if they're going to vote for Obama at the polls, or by absentee ballot.

That doesn't mean Democrats in New York don't ever do things the way Republicans do. They just do it on a different scale.

For example, John McCain has nine luxury homes. Charlie Rangel has four rent-controlled studios.

"Live From New York, It's Someone Who Shouldn't Be Vice President!"

2008-10-20T14:53:00.011-04:00

What exactly was the point of Sarah Palin appearing on SNL?

The reason for a politician to appear on a television show, is to give us a side of them we haven't seen. Palin set out to show that she can be light and fluffy, when the whole country already knows that's all she is. If Palin wanted to show us a side of her that's actually intelligent and thoughtful, she would have done an hour with Charlie Rose(which comes out to 30 minutes after Charlie is done talking).

Even the worst, scariest politicians have the ability to talk to the media, and somehow find the words to hide how horrible they are. But how horrifically wrong for higher office do you have to be to avoid talking to the press altogether?

If we were voting for a new cast member for "Up with People", or a local weatherperson in Anchorage, Palin's stint on SNL would have put her in a good light. But she is a candidate for Vice President, and the only thing being on SNL did was to shroud the McCain-Palin campaign in even more darkness.

For every Saturday Night Live appearance, a candidate should be required to do Meet The Press, Face The Nation and This Week. For every Larry King spot, a candidate should be forced to do three news conferences.

It's disturbing to think that some voters will actually think better of Palin because she can take a joke, even though she can't take an intelligent stand on serious issues.

But being able to take a joke is meaningless, if your candidacy is already a joke.

McCain's Economic Speech Uses The Word "Fight" 700 Billion Times

2008-10-14T20:11:00.009-04:00

As he sinks further in the polls, John McCain's campaign combines desperation with a sixth grade level appeal to voters. Sarah Palin's speeches hover around the fourth grade.

John McCain is acting like an elementary school kid who repeats the same words over and over. McCain has uttered the word "Fight!" so many times that he acts like he's leading the cavalry, instead of running for President.

You almost expect him to come up with campaign proposals like a candidate for sixth grade President.

"My friends. I will fight for your right to have soda in the water fountains. And free gum every Wednesday. And every Friday, you can stay up as long as you like! For parents, I will fight for your right to carry aboard a plane a 4 oz. container of moisturizer instead of the measly 3 oz you can carry on now. And never again, my friends, will you have to pay for that second lemonade in a restaurant. No, my friends, a McCain administration will fight for your right to free refills."

McCain even sounded like the sixth grade bully when he vowed Monday to "whip Obama's you-know-what" in Wednesday's debate. For a guy who says he "knows how to win", McCain's low brow campaign shows that what he really knows, is how to lose.

A New Way To Count Votes

2008-10-12T09:42:00.013-04:00

The woman who told McCain at a town hall meeting this week, that she can't trust Obama because he's an Arab, made me question the concept of "one man, one vote".

If every vote must count, why not make the vote of a willfully ignorant, racist person count less?

This is not a partisan or ideological idea. It is one that rewards Americans who aren't racist and prejudiced against certain religions.

The right to vote brings with it a responsibility to be as well-informed as possible. For the Academy Awards, you can only vote for a film you have seen.

So in a Presidential election, the vote of a reasonably well-informed American who believes in the principle that all men are created equal, should count twice as much as an ignorant racist. This would help convince Republicans to stop using code words to appeal to racist voters in the South and elsewhere. If racists only get half a vote, no party in its right-wing mind would bother pandering to them.

My plan will not penalize anyone for their political views, no matter how extreme or repugnant. And no one should be completely disenfranchised. But if you think Obama is Arab, or that Iraq was responsible for 9/11, you are certifiably insane, which should simply make your vote count for less.

How do we handle the logistics of enforcing this?
We can start by picking them out of the audience at McCain town hall events.

McCain Discovers He's Actually Not Good at Town Hall Debates

2008-10-08T12:24:00.009-04:00

Tuesday's debate looked like a rerun of the first debate, except this time they were walking as they were talking. After standing in the first debate and walking in the second debate, will they lay down on a recliner in the final debate?

McCain did so much walking, I was exhausted by the end of the 90 minutes.
McCain seemed to be saying, "My policies may be tired, but walking around in circles during a town hall debate isn't tiring at all."

After watching McCain huff and puff and mumble jokes that got no laughs, I wondered why pundits said the town hall format worked in his favor. What better way to endear yourself to a voter, than by saying "You've probably never heard of Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac." At least McCain was able to sway an undecided voter-over to Obama. When Tom Brokaw asked a "question from the internet", McCain looked unsure how to answer it. And when McCain pointed his finger at Obama and said "That one!" it had the tone of picking someone out in a police lineup.

They need to scrap these unproductive debate formats, and put both candidates at a table from Ikea they would have to assemble together. After that bonding experience, they could have a 90 minute conversation with reporters and tons of follow up questions that discourage canned responses. And instead of just fact checking what Obama and McCain say, those reporters should discredit all the horribly false forwarded email rumors out there once and for all. Which would mean Sarah Palin wouldn't have anything to talk about. Palin is now that nutty person who sits at home all day emailing rumors that are as removed from reality as the person sending them.

But what we really need is "Palin-Couric 2: This Time It's Personal." Of course, Palin would complain about Katie's "gotcha questions". But a "gotcha question" is merely a question a candidate needs to give a great deal of thought. We could have used a few more of those at Tuesday's debate.

Palin Goes After The Attack Dog Vote

2008-10-05T21:17:00.005-04:00

As women continue to reject her candidacy, Sarah Palin is taking on a new identity to attract a different demographic. Attack dog.

With her poll numbers declining, Palin hopes the small canine minority of attack dogs will respond to her high pitched shrill attacks on Obama's character. Not to be confused with the vast majority of smart, decent and loving dogs who would reject such scurrilous accusations, attack dogs can identify with Palin. Especially Joe Six Pack regular American attack dog.

Only an attack dog like Palin could insinuate that Obama approved of the Weathermen bombings, which happened when he was eight years old. Can attacking Obama for advocating a radical Muslim overthrow of the United States be far behind? Nothing is beneath Palin, who has set the bar so low that it's underground. She is capable of saying the most vile, mean, lies, with a big, toothy smile and a "you betcha" at the end.

People like Palin who smile and drop their g's as they deceive, try to appear like nice people who can relate to the average American. The truth is, the average American is far superior to Palin in every possible way. She is an ignorant, hateful American. In an upbeat, hockey Mom way of course. Every hockey Mom should reject Palin. The only part of hockey she represents is the one where a player swings his stick at an opponent's throat.

Let's stop this nonsense about Palin speaking for the average American. The average American knows that she is a fraud. And not a nice person. And probably an anti-Semite. We Jews can pick up on these things.

So when the average American can see through Palin's lies, she has only one group left to go after. The attack dog days of autumn are upon us.

Ruth and Sarah

2008-10-03T23:32:00.006-04:00

After a show in Sag Harbor a couple of years ago, an audience member asked my wife Ruth Katz if I "allowed her to be funny". I have told our friends many times how funny I think she is, but tonight I'd like to announce to the world, or at least the people reading this column, how funny I think she is. But don't take my word for it. Here are three short sketches Ruth wrote today. She told me my column yesterday inspired her to write this. Tonight, Ruth asked me where I thought her comedy sketches could appear. Ruthie, here's my answer. I'm glad I inspired you to write this. You inspire me every day.

(Scott in 1930's reporter/anchor voice):

"This just in. Vice President Palin, in one of her first acts in power, has taken over the Senate and forced the passage of a bill to eliminate, in certain cases, the letter G. The letter G is now outlawed when appearing after the letters - i - n - as in such words as:

drinkin'
votin'
flag wavin'
shootin'
invadin' and
killin'

The letter G continues to be allowed at the beginning of certain words such as gosh darn and God.

When asked by reporters if this new law was not an infringement on individual privacy and the right to free expression, Vice President Palin said that that would be up to the States to decide. When reporters pointed out that G-banishment had already become federal law, she responded -- How important it was, therefore, to not succumb to those who would socialize our health care system.

This broadcast was previously brought to you by the letter G. It is now brought to you by another sponsor, as the G spot has been dropped.

Vice President Palin, in another decree yesterday addressed climate change. She noted that since climate change is natural, cyclical and there's nothin' we can do about it, we must all exercise individual responsibility. Using President McCain's latest bout with melanoma as a precautionary tale, the Vice President has pushed Congress to outlaw sunnin' and now allow only palin'.

This broadcast is brought to you by Coppertone Fake Tannin' gel.

Vice President Palin, in her work with Congress to slash budgets, has urged no further financial aid to foreign countries. We would, however, continue to extract their resources, incluing oil, gold, diamonds, lumber, bananas and coffee, among other products.

When asked if such a policy would not harm our relations abroad and further threaten our own boarders with huge waves of desperate new immigrants, Vice President Palin declared "The time has come for change. When budgetary problems, insofar as they are related to international problems, rear their ugly head, we must do somethin' about 'em. It's time now: no more Putin; only Takin'."

This broadcast brought to you by Bush, Palin and Todd Petroleum Enterprises and Exxon Valdez Cruise Lines.... Cruisin' with us is a gas!

Palin Forgets Everything She Memorized Five Minutes After Debate

2008-10-02T22:57:00.009-04:00

Tonight's debate proved beyond a doubt, that Sarah Palin is qualified.

Qualified to be a right wing evangelical preacher, a PR flack, a local news anchor, and a motivational speaker.

But not Vice-President of the United States. And certainly not an English teacher. Why is it that politicians think it endears them to the average working American when they drop the final G's from their words. That's not endearin', that's insultin'. It assumes that if you're really a hardworking middle class American, you're too busy to finish pronouncing your words. Palin dropped so many G's that maybe her last name is really Paling.

In contrast to her previous interviews, Palin gave confident, crisp responses. Without actually answering any questions. A one on one interview can reveal a person's thought processes-or lack thereof. A structured debate is almost like a speech. You can "answer" the question with memorized talking points that you can repeat over and over again.

Her supporters applaud her feistiness. But being feisty is one of the least unique traits a human being can have. We all know feisty people who are sure of what they're saying. Many of them can be found leaning unsteadily against the bar at 3:30 in the morning.

Yes, she connected well with the camera. And so does every host on the QVC shopping channel. And every spokesperson on late night infomercials.

The things Sarah Palin did well tonight are things that millions of Americans are capable of doing equally well, if not better. Except that few of those millions of Americans think they're qualified to be Vice President. Maybe they just need a little confidence boostin' by Ms. Palin.

Ya betcha ya can be VP. I'm tellin' ya all ya need is a smile, and a couple of pieces of info that don't have to be true. Gettin' to be in the 2nd highest office in the U.S. is a lot like bein' Mayor of a city of 7,000, and Governor of a state where Putin rears his head.

Before tonight, Sarah Palin was entertaining, fun to watch, bumbling and horrifically unqualified to be Vice-President. Tonight, she became a folksy Karl Rove, a smilingly mean-spirited bore who is like so many right wing pundits on television.

In other words, more of the same.

Bill Clinton Sort Of Thinks That Maybe You Should Vote For Obama

2008-10-01T22:55:00.008-04:00

Bill Clinton campaigned today in Florida. For Al Gore.

You could have substituted the name of any Democrat for Obama in Clinton's tepid rallying cry: "Obama's got better answers". Instead of Change We Need, Clinton's version would be:

Change That On A Whole Would Be More Beneficial If That's The Kind of Change You're Looking For

Clinton needs to do a more enthusiastic job of endorsing Obama if he wants to repair the damage to his reputation from the primary campaign. In fact, Clinton and Nader should travel the country together in the "We Ruined Our Legacy Tour".

Sarah's a Regular Joe
Sarah Palin said today that "It's time that normal Joe Six-pack American is finally represented in the position of vice presidency." Wasn't Joe well represented by eight years of Bush? It's nice to know Palin seeks to emulate "normal Joe Six-Pack American". So I guess she's in favor of heavy drinking and obesity. But in a normal way of course.

Palin has lowered the bar so much for tomorrow's debate that if she can say "thank you" clearly and concisely, conservative pundits will declare her the winner by a landslide. Of course, with Biden's tendency to be verbose, "thank you" might be all the words she gets to say. Which could be her best strategy of all.

Couric-Palin Interviews More Entertaining than CBS Primetime Lineup

2008-09-30T22:49:00.007-04:00

The CBS Evening News with Katie Couric received only a minimal boost to its anemic ratings from a week of interviews with Sarah Palin. Which is a shame.

Those who weren't watching missed out on a sublime mix of surreal absurdity and outright stupidity. Sarah Palin's disjointed answers sounded like edited snippets even when there was no editing. In fact her performance was so over the top, that it actually was funnier than Tina Fey's SNL impersonation.

Those who compare Palin to Bush because of their willful ignorance miss the crucial difference between the two. Whereas Bush's plodding, monosyllabic incoherence is annoying and infuriating to watch, Palin is a delight. Bush's fake Texas drawl is irritating, but Palin's Alaska/Fargo accent always adds the right comedic touch to whatever incredibly offbase thing she says. Her goal seems to be to regurgitate whatever information her handlers had her memorize, whether or not it pertains to the question being asked.

Palin could be considered a comedy idiot savant. In addition to having no ideas, she has no idea she's funny. They say there's a fine line between comedy and tragedy. Hopefully, our country won't cross that line on Election Day.

The Good News About Today's Stock Market Crash

2008-09-29T22:18:00.009-04:00

There's been plenty of doom and gloom because of how the stock market reacted to the defeat of the bailout bill. Its supporters call it a buyback, not a bailout. Those same people say we're not in a recession, we're in a reception.

But you don't have to be delusional to see the silver lining in today's seemingly bad economic news. First, if Wall Street stops becoming a place of unbridled excess, it could have a positive domino effect. Young brokers wouldn't be able to afford the seemingly endless supply of ridiculously overpriced condos in Manhattan, so those prices will come down.

In today's New York Times, David Carr writes about a guy who worked in mortgage sales, who told his story on "This American Life".

We ordered three, four bottles of Cristal at $1,000 per bottle,” he said on the broadcast, recalling a night when he had a table at Marquee, a nightclub in Manhattan. “They bring it out, you know they’re walking through the crowd, they’re holding the bottles over their heads. There’re firecrackers, sparklers. You know, the little cocktail waitresses,” he said. “You know so you order three or four bottles of those and they’re walking through the crowd and everyone’s like: Whoa, who’re the cool guys? We were the cool guys.

It's a good thing that they won't be the cool guys anymore. Maybe teachers will be.
Or community organizers. Now that would piss off the Republicans.

They could do a remake of the film "Wall Street", the 80's hit that depicted Michael Douglas talking into a "cellphone" that was the size of Rhode Island. Rhode Island probably got better reception. They could call it "Main Street", and instead of a stock broker, the star would be a sociology professor from Brooklyn College. In "Main Street", instead of everyone getting MBA's so they can make a fortune on Wall Street, college graduates aspire to teach at a city university. Instead of selling sub-prime mortgages to unsuspecting homeowners, the stars of "Main Street" fight unbridled development and push for affordable housing. And since greed has been replaced by serving people's needs, those teachers and community organizers will actually be able to find a home that they can afford.

As this day draws to a close, here's hoping that good things will indeed come out of this. At least, our cellphones are already a lot smaller than the one Michael Douglas had.

Tonight marks the beginning of Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year. Whether you observe the holiday or not, I wish you a happy, healthy and sweet New Year.

The End Of The DAY As We Know It

2008-09-28T20:33:00.010-04:00

We live in challenging times. So I have decided to make things more challenging for myself by changing this blog from a weekly to a daily from now until November 5.

Don't Give Credit Where No Credit is Due
So let me get this straight. The $700 billion bailout is supposed to open up the credit market so banks and other financial institutions can borrow money more easily. Isn't that one of the things that caused this mess to begin with? And John McCain does deserve credit- for nearly sabotaging the negotiations when he came to Washington on Friday. But he certainly doesn't deserve credit for bringing about a solution. Apparently McCain was against direct negotiations with the Democrats, and preferred a military solution to the problem.

Socialized Medicine is Bad. Socialized Condos For Annoying Wall Street Guys is Good. It would cost $100 billion to provide universal health care for a year, to all those who don't have it. But that would be (gulp) SOCIALIZED MEDICINE! And Republicans would rather be dead than red. But somehow when the government gives $700 billion to Wall Street so those $2 million condos will keep getting sold, that's capitalism, not socialism.

Don't Let Sarah Palin Drop Out. Calling for Sarah Palin to drop out of the race is a callous insult to all hardworking comedians like myself. How would another running mate like Tim Pawlenty advance the cause of political comedy? I'd be open to Tina Fey filling in for Sarah at the debate, but Sarah's name must remain on the ballot. And it's not just comedians who want her to stay on the ticket. It's also those Americans who fear that ignorance,incompetence and the inability to speak the English language won't have a place in politics after Bush leaves office. McCain may say Country First but Palin is Comedy First.

McCain Wants To Postpone Debates Until After The Election

2008-09-25T13:41:00.006-04:00

By ducking the debate tomorrow, John McCain is trying to get out of doing his homework. Not surprising from someone who ranked fifth from the bottom of his class at the Naval Academy.

And if McCain had his way, he would postpone the debates until after the election.

That way, he could hide from voters the fact that he supported the very deregulation that helped create this financial crisis. And that he lied about his campaign manager not being on the payroll of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. And that when McCain talks about "Country First", he's not referring to the United States. Picking Sara Palin as your running mate is pretty much "Country Fifth From The Bottom".

The "Straight Talk Express" has become "How Can He Say That With A Straight Face?" How can he not burst out laughing when he says Sara Palin is "absolutely" qualified to be Vice-President? And what does it say about his judgement when he picks a running mate who makes George W. Bush seem professorial? The only person who should be happy about Sara Palin is Tina Fey. In fact, I'm hoping Sara Palin really is Tina Fey. Palin isn't a candidate, she's a premise.

Palin thinks she knows Russia because she can see it from Alaska. McCain thinks he knows the economy because he can see the Federal Reserve Building from his house in Washington.

The only thing McCain and Palin really know is that if voters focus on the issues, they will lose by a landslide. So they're hoping they can put off the debates, and keep voters from knowing where they stand, until it's too late.

The World Should Vote for U.S. President

2008-07-24T19:18:00.006-04:00

Barack Obama gave an inspiring, uplifting speech today to 200,000 people in Berlin, Germany. Not to be outdone, John McCain woodenly told 200 people today in Berlin, Ohio, that they're the only Berliners whose vote counts. But why can't Germans and people from all over the world also vote for President of the United States?

Most Europeans and people from other countries are more knowledgeable about the U.S. than Americans are. They're more intellectual, aware, and more liberal- just the kind of people you want to vote for President of the United States.

In Berlin, Germany, the audience roared at Obama's line about bringing down walls between Arabs, Muslims, Jews and Christians. In Berlin, Ohio, some audience members said McCain was the only All-American candidate. So who sounds better qualified to vote for President?

I'm not asking to disenfranchise "hardworking white Americans"(I plagerized that term from Hillary). I'm just saying that in addition to the largely uninformed American electorate, let's open up our election process to Germans and Swedes, Palestinians and Israelis, Africans and Indians, and yes, Colombians and Salvadorans too.

But if the whole world got to vote, you might ask, wouldn't they tend to vote for liberal Democratic candidates? Exactly.

And when the whole world voted for President of the United States, if the Supreme Court tried to steal the election, there would be millions of Europeans and Asians and Africans protesting in the streets of their countries. Something that just doesn't happen here in America.

The biggest challenge for any U.S. President is to get along with the rest of the world. Getting the rest of the world to help choose our President will go a long way towards bringing all of us together in peace.

Will the Government Rescue Bernie Mac?

2008-07-14T10:12:00.011-04:00

Now that the government has unveiled plans to bail out mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, will they do the same for comedy giant Bernie Mac?

After he opened for Barack Obama at a $2300 a plate fundraiser, and performed his menstruation and prostitution bits, Bernie Mac could use an infusion of good judgement.

Whenever a comedian bombs with inappropriate material(like Whoopie Goldberg at an Al Gore fundraiser at Radio City Music Hall in 2000), it makes it unlikely that real political comedians like myself, will get the chance to perform in front of Obama.

At McCain fundraisers, McCain is the one doing the inappropriate material. “Maybe that’s a way of killing them,” McCain told reporters about the export of some $158 million in cigarettes to Iran in recent years. McCain then added, "I meant that as a joke", which the unquestioning, drooling news media actually believed, and probably laughed at too. Maybe that's why McCain's vicious, mean-spirited not even close to a joke, barely got a mention in the mainstream press.

And yet this week's New Yorker cover depicting Obama in Muslim garb and his wife Michelle dressed as a terrorist is getting lots of outraged comments. The cover was satirizing the ignorance of people(like certain Fox News anchors) who compare fist jabs to terrorist behavior, and spread unfounded rumors about Obama's past.

Apparently these days, political satire is more offensive than joking about "hos", and killing Iranians.

And with all of the offensive things going on around the world, the purchase of Budweiser by the Belgian company InBev is seen by some beer-guzzling Americans as the coming of the apocalypse. To them, Budweiser is not just a beverage with lots of carbs-it's patriotic! Maybe Obama and McCain should wear little Budweiser bottle flag pins too.

It reminds me of that old Miller beer slogan. "Miller. Made The American Way".
Is that what America stands for? Feeling sluggish and urinating frequently?

Will McCain Insist Obama Wears Declaration of Independence T-shirt?

2008-07-06T21:16:00.012-04:00

You would have thought that once Barack Obama started wearing the US flag pin, all of those nasty rumors about his supposed lack of patriotism(whatever that means)would go away. But the idiotic rantings of ignorant people continue to circulate across the Internet. What else should he do to convince them?

Nothing. These are mean-spirited, moronic individuals who aren't going to vote for him, or any person of color, ever. So forget them. They're probably too stupid to know when Election Day is anyway.

How about paying more attention to nice, mildly neurotic, progressive people like me?I know that moving to the center is probably a winning strategy. And I desperately want Obama to win. But how about throwing a bone to us bleeding heart liberals, who live in very blue urban areas like Brooklyn? Can't you intersperse your "it's OK to spy on us to keep us safe" material with "George W. Bush lied to us, and went to war under totally false pretenses?" And when you say that protecting the mental health of a woman is not an excuse for a late term abortion, can't you follow that up with, "I'm definitely picking judges who will uphold Roe vs. Wade?"

We liberals know the drill. It's OK to sound progressive during the primaries, but once they're over, you have to start talking like a "real" American. In this campaign, the word "liberal" is used as an accusation, much like "child molester". Remember when the first Bush attacked Dukakis for being a "card-carrying member of the American Civil Liberties Union?" And Dukakis just hopped on his tank and ignored it. Why don't liberals take pride in being a liberal, and take pride in being a member of the ACLU? After all, the ACLU fights for the very freedoms granted to us in the Declaration of Independence. Which sounds pretty patriotic to me.

The Election They Didn't Talk About Today

2008-06-29T21:10:00.013-04:00

You know an election must be seriously flawed if President Bush calls it illegitimate. Robert Mugabe's brutal dictatorship's torture and murder of citizens who wanted to vote against him, makes our Supreme Court's hijacking of the 2000 election seem like a lesson in Democracy.

It took Bush about seven years to say anything about Mugabe's vicious regime, but unless there's oil involved, Africa is never the focus of our government's attention. Or maybe it took Bush that long to learn how to pronounce Zimbabwe and Mugabe.

Most African nations are finally speaking out against Mugabe, with the notable exception of South Africa. Doctors Without Borders said South Africa deported some 450 Zimbabweans overnight from a border detention center who were "fleeing instability and political violence." All inhumanity towards man is unacceptable, but when it comes from South Africa, a country who used to be on the receiving end of such mistreatment, it is particularly perverse and obscene. I guess Thabo Mibeki is too busy denying that HIV causes AIDS, and arguing that antiretroviral drugs do more harm than good, to speak out against Mugabe.

Is it Rude To Save Lives Without An Invitation?
The Bush Administration isn't very good about trying to help people in need. Their heart's just not in it. We're great at invading countries and causing the deaths of tens of thousands of people, including almost 4000 of our own soldiers. But when it comes to sending in supplies to help save lives in Myanmar, all of a sudden we become very wimpy. "Oh, we'd LOVE to deliver this food and medicine, but the government WON'T LET US!" We have no problems attacking a country without a letter of consent, and we constantly threaten Iran with military force, but it's just darn impolite to tell Myanmar that we're going to send in food and supplies whether they like it or not.

Very little, if any, of this was mentioned on Sunday's talk shows. They just have partisans from both sides cut each other off loudly and say nothing about anything going on outside the US. Even though almost all of our problems stem from what's going on in the rest of the world. All they blabber on about is what a friend of a friend of a guy who almost met Obama once, said at a bar. And should Obama immediately distance himself from the guy he never heard of.

Iraq War is Over
The media has figured out how to do something that neither party has been able to.
They ended the Iraq war. Not that people aren't still fighting and dying, but it's just not worth covering on the evening news. The networks are bringing home their Iraq correspondents.

If a soldier falls in the field and no one is around to hear it, does he make a sound?

A Standup Life

2008-06-23T09:43:00.007-04:00

One of the first comedy shows I ever saw was George Carlin at The Bitter End in Greenwich Village in 1972. That show has stayed with me ever since, and surely helped steer me towards a career as a standup comedian. That night was transformational for Carlin as well, since he had recently changed his persona from suit and tie Vegas comic to a bearded T shirt clad counterculture satirist. For two hours, we were in the presence of genius, and the genesis of a comedy revolution.

He was outrageously funny, but what I admired most about Carlin was how prolific he was. 14 HBO specials and hard at work on the next one, he had a work ethic most comedians like myself are unfamiliar with. And his comedy didn't stop evolving in 1972. He kept changing, just as his life changed, just as all good comedians should continue to change. Because Carlin knew, better than anyone, that standup comedy is a work in progress. At 71, most people are either retired or rest on their laurels. Carlin did neither. He was going strong, with a performance schedule comedians like myself envy.

I met Carlin twice. A few years ago, I was opening for Robert Klein at the Gotham Comedy Club in New York. Right before I went on, I was told George Carlin was in the audience, but not to mention it since Robert Klein rightfully wanted to tell the crowd first. As much as I would have loved to tell the crowd and Carlin how highly I regarded him, I obeyed. Of course, the next comic got up and immediately announced, "Hey George Carlin is here!"

The greatest joy and highlight of my career has been the many times I've worked with my comedy idol Robert Klein. And that night was even more special. Jerry Seinfeld, who was the MC at The Comic Strip when I passed auditions there, dropped in to do a set. After the show,standing next to Seinfeld, Klein and Carlin, I turned to Gotham's owner Chris Mazzilli and said, "Wow, can you believe I'm here tonight?"

I told Carlin what a fan I was and his lady friend said how funny she thought I was. I would have loved to hear him say that as well, but that didn't spoil the moment for me. Although I do obsess about it from time to time.

The first time I met Carlin was about two years after that Bitter End performance, at the Auditorium Theater in Chicago. I somehow managed to wrangle my way backstage and told Carlin how much I loved his show. He thanked me and said, "Have a nice life".

George Carlin is one of the reasons why I have a standup life.

I don't know if Carlin believed in heaven, but wherever he is right now, I'm sure he's hard at work on a new hour of afterlife material.

Mission Accomplished

2008-06-22T11:05:00.027-04:00

The New York Times reported that Exxon Mobil, Shell, Total and BP — the original partners in the Iraq Petroleum Company, before Sadaam Hussein nationalized the oil industry, — along with Chevron and a number of smaller oil companies, are in talks with Iraq’s Oil Ministry for no-bid contracts to service Iraq’s largest fields, according to ministry officials, oil company officials and an American diplomat.

So this war wasn't about oil? Yeah, right.

Bush and McCain Tank the Environment.
President Bush and John McCain called for an end to the 26 year moratorium on off shore oil drilling. If you destroy our oceans, our fish, and our wildlife, off shore and in the Arctic, no one is going to want to drive there anymore anyway. Not to be outdone, Dick Cheney announced he was in favor of drilling for oil in Guantanemo detainees.

McCain Against The Freedom He Says We're Fighting For In Iraq.
John McCain called the recent Supreme Court decision defending the right of Guantanemo detaines to a fair trial the worst decision ever made in the US. McCain thinks The Bill of Rights was the second worst.

You wouldn't think a guy who was a prisoner of war and a victim of torture, would be against protecting the rights of prisoners of war, and recently voted in favor of the use of torture. And McCain keeps insisting we will win this war. Unfortunately, as others have noted, the war he seems intent on winning is the Vietnam War. McCain thinks The Surge should include sending troops to Saigon.

McCain derides Obama for wanting to talk to our enemies. As if talking is some wimpy, weak form of behavior. This from a guy who answered a question about whether he would bomb Iran, by singing in his worst Beach Boys impression, "Bomb Bomb Bomb Bomb Bomb Iran."

McCain's twisted version of that song is topping the charts in Israel right now. The Israel military conducted exercises that supposedly are preparations for a possible attack on Iran's nuclear facilities. Which is a frighteningly stupid idea to everyone except Presidential candidates who sing, "Bomb Bomb Bomb Bomb Bomb Iran".

Fire Bush, not Willie Randolph.
The mainstream media, and most Democrats,viewed Dennis Kucinich's impeachment resolution as the work of some crackpot not to be taken seriously, instead of the utterly rational, reasonable proposal it is. The shabbily handled firing of Mets manager Willie Randolph got front page coverage, while the issue of firing a President and a war criminal got hardly any coverage at all. Democrats said that now was not the time to impeach Bush. When is a good time? When he's out of office?

Hillary Concedes That She Really Won

2008-06-10T15:46:00.007-04:00

Hillary Clinton decided to endorse Barack Obama at a time when she thought it would have the most impact- Saturday at noon in the summer. Even Obama had the good sense to play golf instead of sitting at home on a beautiful warm day. That annoyed ardent Hillary supporters, who perhaps are unaware that they have these new fangled recording devices now that let you watch a speech after it's been delivered.

Hillary drew a large crowd on Saturday, but I'm guessing there were a lot of comps and TDF members.When Hillary spoke about herself and her campaign, she was positively glowing and effusive. When she talked about Obama, it was like she was reciting a homework assignment she didn't want to do. I understand how she felt, but at least she could have unenthusiastically delivered those words last Tuesday instead of waiting until Saturday. It's admirable to be a fighter who doesn't give up until the end. It's delusional when instead of conceding right after your opponent has won the nomination, you instead urge your supporters to email and tell you what you should do next. I would've have written, "Please turn on the news, you lost".

I think Hillary is a remarkably gifted and qualified candidate, but that doesn't excuse the irrational behavior of a tiny minority of her supporters. They want to punish elected officials who had the gall not to endorse Hillary, by supporting their opponents(P.S. Their opponents are Republicans). And any Hillary supporter who now says they will vote for McCain, instead of Obama, should be called what they really are. Either idiots or racists. No other explanation can account for voting for someone whose views are the polar opposite of the person you originally supported.

And when Hillary compared the primary rules(which she had approved) to elections in Zimbabwe, it showed yet another of her personalities. One that was totally devoid of judgement. If she ran for office in Zimbabwe, lost and complained about the election process, she would be jailed. If you lose in this country, people talk about you as a Vice Presidential candidate.

Hillary Clinton supporters should not blame Obama, or men in general, or the rules of the Democratic Party, for why Hillary lost. She lost because Barack Obama was a better candidate, a more inspiring, hopeful and consistent leader who stuck to his principles and convictions. And one more thing. Hillary Clinton voted for the war in Iraq. They counted all those votes-she was just on the wrong side of it. Maybe this would be a good time to use that quote: "The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars. But in ourselves."

No One Wants To Talk To Bush Either

2008-05-18T20:40:00.020-04:00

Maybe if President Bush realized that talking to your adversaries is wiser than killing each other, the world leaders in this photo would talk to him.

But Bush thinks the US shouldn't talk to radicals, even though he talks to Jesus everyday.

World leaders always look so uncomfortable when they meet with President Bush. You'd feel that way too, if you had to talk to a guy who doesn't listen, and listen to a guy who doesn't speak in complete sentences. That's another form of torture from the Bush Administration.

Likening Barack Obama and Jimmy Carter to "Nazi appeasers" should be grounds for immediate impeachment. They shouldn't even let Bush back into the White House. They should just mail him what was in his desk in the Oval Office, including the crayons and coloring books.

Hillary Clinton defended Obama, making this the first time Bush was a uniter, not a divider.

Hillary continues to look for ways to change the inevitable. Next she'll claim that Obama's delegate count reached its expiration date, like frequent flyer miles.

While the press jumped on Obama for daring to call a reporter "Sweetie", it ignores the story of two top McCain campaign officials who resigned after it was revealed they did PR work for Myanmar. McCain hired them because he figured if they could make a vicious military junta look good, they could do wonders with him.

How would these morally challenged PR hacks spin Myanmar's refusal to allow immediate and unrestricted aid to the people unlucky enough to live in their clients's country?
Myanmar wanted to reduce its carbon footprint by only having one plane load of supplies every few days.

And what slogan would they come up with to make Myanmar look good? Here's one Bush would probably approve of.
MYANMAR: Our brutal regime commits crimes against humanity, but hey, at least we're not Nazi appeasers.

A Quick Passover of the Week

2008-04-27T14:33:00.015-04:00

Hillary Clinton said this week she is ahead in the popular vote, because she counts the results of the Florida primary, where neither she nor Obama campaigned, and the Michigan primary, where Obama wasn't even on the ballot. Why stop there? Hillary should also include in her vote total, all of Bill Clinton's votes from 1992 and 1996, since she would like us to believe she was co-President during those years anyway.

Barack Obama was interviewed on Fox News Sunday. I thought Chris Wallace treated him fairly, but I question Fox's decision to run Arabic subtitles during the interview. Obama said that when he talked about bitter people who cling to religion and guns, he was referring to the staff of Fox News.

Condoleeza Rice condemned Jimmy Carter's meeting with Hamas as "not helpful". She said meeting with Hamas undermined the Administration's Middle East policy of doing nothing.

J Street, a progressive alternative to the American Israel Public Action Committee (AIPAC)opened their office in Washington this week. The building has no lobby.

Israel rejected a Hamas offer of a six month cease fire as "a game". As if a game is a bad thing. You have to be alive to play a game, which is a much better idea than killing innocent people on both sides.

The Justice Department told Congress that American intelligence operatives can legally use interrogation methods prohibited under international law, to thwart a terrorist attack. Or what they think is a terrorist attack. Or just to torture an Arab guy who was imprisoned for no reason. When asked if this violated the Geneva Convention, President Bush said he didn't see why the US had to follow what "a bunch of Swiss guys at a meeting think we should do".

Vice President Cheney said not only does he wear an American flag pin, but that he would gladly use it to torture someone with.

Wrapping up the week on a non-political note, I'm off to Las Vegas to perform my Standup for Peace show with Dean Obeidallah at UNLV. I like to play the quarter slot machines, and the way the real estate market is going, if I win ten quarters that would be enough to buy a condo in Las Vegas.

And I hope you had a nice Passover, even if you don't celebrate Passover. All holidays exist whether or not we acknowledge them. Which won't help me get booked at any atheist comedy shows in the near future. I'm personally glad Passover is over. I was going through leavened bread withdrawal.

Bush Will Sell Naming Rights To Iraq War

2008-03-23T21:42:00.010-04:00

President Bush commemorated the 5th anniversary of the Iraq War, by winning the Only Person Who Still Thinks The Iraq War Was A Good Idea award. He shared the award with Dick Cheney and John McCain.

McCain visited Iraq, and said that although things were going very well now, one hundred years from now, our troops in Iraq will be doing even better. McCain said that Iran should stop helping Al Qaeda in Iraq, and then after Joe Lieberman whispered in his ear, McCain corrected himself and said what he meant to say was that he and Lieberman were war mongers.

With the US economy in recession, how will Bush continue to fund his war if Congress finally gets some backbone and cuts funding for the war?

The same way greedy owners of sports teams constantly raise ticket prices in direct proportion to how badly their team plays. And sell the naming rights to stadiums and arenas, that were originally named after people who actually accomplished something worthwhile in their life. William Shea, who helped bring the Mets to New York, had his name posthumously dropped from their new stadium in favor of Citigroup, which may well follow the lead of another failed company Enron, and go out of business during the first season in 2009.

Bush could sell the naming rights to the Iraq War to a bevy of suitors. What corrupt, immoral company wouldn't want to have their name associated with an illegal war fraudulently presented to an American public that doesn't pay attention to it anymore?

Halliburton would be the obvious choice since they've already benefited so much from the war, by screwing up everything they got their hands on-which pretty much sums up what the Bush Administration has done. But Blackwater could make a strong case too, because in a war where tens of thousands of innocent civilians have been killed, nobody kills them better than Blackwater.

Of course the mainstream media played a big part in spreading the fear and the lies of the Bush administration to a largely unquestioning American public and Congress. So how about Fox News presents The Iraq War? CNN would want to stay competitive with Fox, so maybe they could be co-sponsors of the war. Just think of the noisy graphics they could come up with for that.

In the end though, we have to give credit where credit is due. Sell the naming rights to all the elected officials, like John McCain and Hillary Clinton, who voted for the war, and have never apologized for doing so. And to the millions of Americans who can recite every detail about Dancing With The Stars and American Idol, but don't have the slightest idea what's going on in Iraq.

But we can only pick one person to have his name inextricably linked to this crime against humanity. So on the fifth anniversary of the Iraq War, let's rename it for the guy who started it all.

Bush's War.

They turned the clocks BACK this week

2008-03-09T19:54:00.014-04:00

While the rest of us were dutifully springing forward and losing an hour of sleep today, there were others who not only forgot to set the clocks ahead, but actually turned them back.

On Saturday President Bush vetoed a bill that would have prohibited the CIA from using waterboarding, turning the US back to a time he's evidently more comfortable with. The Roman empire. As Governor of Texas, he executed more people than any other state, and probably wished he could dispense with the electric chair, and just throw prisoners to the lions.

Senator Diane Feinstein lamented the fact that Bush wouldn't close the door on using torture. Of course Senator Feinstein also cast a deciding vote in confirming Michael Mukasey as Attorney General despite his unwillingness to call waterboarding torture.

Mukasey is an observant Jew, but why can't he observe the Sabbath and the Geneva Convention?

Israelis and Palestinians turned back the clock this week, by returning to the same senseless cycle of violence that will never achieve peace. And by doing so, they turned their back on their own people, the vast majority of whom want a peaceful, political solution to the conflict, and know that the time is now 2008, not 1948.

Back in the US, the senseless cycle of campus shootings continue, but Arizona State Senator Karen S. Johnson wants to turn the clocks back to the Wild West. She sponsored a bill, which the Senate Judiciary Committee approved last week, that would allow people with a concealed weapons permit (21 and older) to carry their firearms at public colleges and universities. There was a time not long ago when we would discuss the best ways to get guns out of people's hands. Now legislators are finding ways to get guns in everybody's hands.

Hillary Clinton's campaign turned the clock back to the McCarthy era, by silently asking the question of Barack Obama, "Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Muslim faith?

Obama, on the other hand, is so hopeful about the future, that he probably doesn't turn the clock back, even in the fall.

The Philharmonic Should Conduct Our Foreign Policy

2008-03-02T23:06:00.009-05:00

This is a human-to-human experience,” said Katherine Greene, a Philharmonic violist. “All of a sudden you have a basis for how we are the same,” Ms. Greene said. “This is always how it starts.”

The New York Philharmonic concert in North Korea last week did more for peaceful coexistence in one night, than the Bush administration has done for seven years.

But lest we get swept away with the thing Republicans hate most, hope, Condoleeza Rice, classical pianist and failed Secretary of State, set us straight by saying, "I don't think we should get carried away with what listening to Dvorak is going to do in North Korea." Condi wished the Philharmonic had played Axis of Evil Interlude in C Minor, followed by the Bomb North Korea Suite.

The Surge sounds like the name of a male enhancement product, but John McCain says it's working in Iraq. It's working so well that George W. Bush flies to Baghdad, unannounced, under the cover of darkness, and flees five hours later, while Mahmoud Ahmadinijan travels the streets in broad daylight and actually stays overnight.

If Bush had flown to Iraq and talked to Saddaam Hussein instead of invading and destroying his country, we wouldn't be at war, and we'd have 600 billion dollars more to spend in this country. Now that would be a surge everyone could be happy about. But if you're happy for more than four hours, consult a physician.

Bush doesn't believe in talking to other countries, he just likes to threaten them. And the Bully-In-Chief made fun of Obama's willingness to talk to Iran, Cuba, North Korea and everyone else. Talking is for sissies, Bush probably tells his wife. A real man doesn't talk, doesn't listen, he just acts-recklessly and stupidly.

Bush ignored the Middle East for seven years, and the results of that indifference are playing out in Gaza and Israel. There are more armed conflicts in more places around the world than I can ever remember. None of them can be solved militarily. Only talking can accomplish that. But the Bush administration is a dysfunctional family-they don't believe in talking.

Bring home the troops. And send in the musicians.

The Presidential Election Awards

2008-02-24T19:24:00.003-05:00

7:30 pm Eastern Time
Why do I have this pressing need to finish this week's blog before the Oscars start?
I haven't seen any of the Best Picture nominees, and the only nominees of any kind I've seen are Sicko, No End In Sight and Persepolis. Over 40 million other people like me(well not exactly like me)will be doing the same thing. On the other hand, the highest rated Democratic debate this year drew 8.3 million viewers.

Maybe if they gave out awards during debates, more people would watch.

Best Unoriginal Attack Line a Candidate Didn't Write:
Hillary Clinton for "Change You Can Xerox".

Worst Piece of Straight Talk About Iraq:
John McCain for "We'll stay there for 100 years"

Biggest Waste of Time Question:
How are your health care plans different?
They've already explained that in every debate, in 14 languages. Besides, each candidate's "plan" will change before it's presented to Congress, anyway.

Best Response To A Question About the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict:
No winner because there were no questions about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Worst Campaign By A Candidate:
And, it's a tie! Rudy Giuliani for pinning all his hopes on Florida and losing badly. And Fred Thompson, for running a campaign that looked like he was just biding his time until the writer's strike ended. Could you imagine a Thompson-Giuliani ticket? Even their overenthusiastic, much younger wives wouldn't vote for it.

Worst President Ever:
Only one nominee. And the winner is: George W. Bush for the last seven years.

If giving out awards doesn't increase debate ratings, maybe they could have a red carpet where Regis Philbin and Joan Rivers asked the candidates the really hard hitting questions. Like, "What are you wearing tonight?"

A question Bush would have trouble answering, because this Emperor has no clothes.

Duck! It's straight shooter John McCain

2008-02-17T18:13:00.009-05:00

Arizona Sen. John McCain, the leading Republican contender for president, is a co-sponsor of the amendment, which would allow gun owners to carry loaded, accessible firearms into national parks and wildlife refuges. Current regulations ban gun owners from carrying easy-to-reach firearms onto lands managed by the National Park Service and Fish and Wildlife Service.
Fresno Bee, February 16, 2008

In a week where gun violence killed five more college students, straight-talkin' John McCain wants more guns to be carried in more places. Especially in the places we fear most-national parks and wildlife refuges.

Who doesn't tremble at the thought of strolling through Yosemite without a loaded handgun? Danger lurks at every turn. The elderly woman behind the counter at the gift shop could, without warning, lunge at your child. Or worse-try to steal the 94 ounce drink he's guzzling.

And the threats posed by wildlife refuges are endless. That flock of pink flamingos might seem harmless, but who's to say your NRA pin won't set them off into uncontrolled mayhem?

McCain is assured now of getting the sought after endorsement of the Students for Concealed Carry on Campus. This group believes that all college students should be armed to the teeth, while still listening to their Ipods and texting their classmates.

And they have company. As of today, there are thirteen states considering legislation to expand firearm carry on campus.

No state is considering legislation to make it harder to buy a gun.

And no Presidential candidate, so far, has the courage to speak out for gun control. Gun control, their advisors say, is so 1980's. Which was when Ronald Reagan's Secretary of the Interior James Watt,who was rightfully the butt of many jokes, actually did the right thing. And introduced regulations banning loaded guns in national parks and wildlife refuge. And after Reagan and his press secretary were shot, the Brady Bill was actually passed.

You know we've hit rock bottom in this country, when you start pining for the days of Ronald Reagan and James Watt.

And once and for all, let's stop worrying about the rights of hunters. If you enjoy blowing away deer, who to my knowledge are unarmed, then you deserve to have a hard time buying a gun. No one should be allowed to buy any gun, without a background check and a waiting period. A hunter doesn't walk into a gun shop, and say "I need a gun right now, there's a deer over there." And hunters never, ever need a concealed weapon. When you're hunting deer, you really don't need the element of surprise. The deer knows you're not there for a photo shoot for the Discovery Channel.

John McCain might be "pro-life" when it comes to a fetus. But if you're strolling through a park, a wildlife refuge or a college campus, you're fair game.

Now we know the truth. The Straight Talk Express is armed.

Vote. In a Super Duper Kind of Way.

2008-02-05T15:13:00.000-05:00

Barack Obama has done Letterman and The Daily Show, and packs 20,000 seat arenas. I've come to realize that he has the career I hope to have.

For those who doubt Obama's transforming powers, consider this. At the Izod Arena in New Jersey Monday, he actually got Robert DeNiro to speak. Full, clear sentences. Several of them. That's why I get the sense Obama is talking to me.

I can't understand the venom some otherwise bright people have for Hillary Clinton. While I support Obama, I think Hillary is an incredibly accomplished, able person who would be an excellent President.

The same people who hate Hillary have been largely silent about our indescribably atrocious current President. I asked one of those people the other day why he doesn't complain about Bush too. He said he hadn't paid attention to what Bush did for the last seven years. He said he's waiting for Bush's first term to come out on DVD. I started to tell him about the Iraq war, and he said, "Don't tell me, I wanna wait to see it on the DVD." The DVD has special features too, like a list of the 935 false statements Bush made about Iraq, in five different languages. Bush's speeches are all subtitled in English as well.

It was drizzling earlier today in New York City, which is enough to keep some people from voting.

I don't want to go outside and vote. I have to put a coat on, bring an umbrella, walk two blocks. Do they deliver? I'll have two Democrats and a coke. And I have a coupon for the cold sesame noodle."

I love voting. I even waved as I left the voting booth. No one noticed. Once I tried to vote in a primary election, and there was a sign outside the polling place that said.

"Primary cancelled due to uncontested races. Signed Vladimir Putin."

I think Giuliani's endorsement of McCain will actually take away votes from him in New York. Especially among firefighters and other first responders. I've never understood the logic of being endorsed by someone few people wanted in the first place. Giuliani campaigned like he was running for Mayor of New York. In Florida. His original campaign strategy was to skip all the primaries, and then stage a military coup with Bernie Kerik.

I'll be providing political humor commentary tonight from 9 pm to Midnight Eastern Time, on WFUV 90.7 FM, streaming live at wfuv.com.

Have a Super Duper Tuesday. And please vote.

State of the Non-Union

2008-01-27T23:13:00.000-05:00

Even though we have to wait another 358 days before Bush's mailing address changes, his State of the Union address tomorrow night is his last one. If he knew the sorry state we're in, he would simply email his State of the Union instead of showing up. But the really twisted fact is that Bush thinks he's done a good job. Or at least that's what God told him. The only way Bush could salvage his legacy is if he came out and told the truth tomorrow night.

Ladies and gentlemen, I come before you tonight for the last time, to tell you and the American people, that I have been a total, abject failure as President of the United States.
(APPLAUSE)

Time does not permit me to go into all the things I've done to lower the bar, and appeal to the basest instincts of Americans. I have lied at least 935 times about Iraq, and our rush to war was an act of complete deception and manipulation.
(APPLAUSE)

But we have won the war, at least by the numbers.
On September 11, we lost about 3000 Americans. But since the war with Iraq started in 2003, hundreds of thousands of Iraqi civilians and soldiers have been killed. And almost 4000 US soldiers. So, if my math is correct, since my war killed more people than 9/11, we're the winner!
(ONLY DICK CHENEY APPLAUDS)

And yes, of course we believe in torture. Not only do we believe in it, we do it! Waterboarding, even though my Attorney General can't admit it, is torture. Bring it on!
(ATTORNEY GENERAL MICHAEL MUKASEY APPLAUDS)

And not only did God tell me to stop drinking and doing drugs, he also told me to demonize the Arab and Muslim world. And since I'm finally being honest here, I don't think Jews are going to heaven-not even Paul Wolfowitz. Heaven's just for Christians like me, and so is Crawford, Texas.

(ALL REPUBLICAN SENATORS AND CONGRESSMEN FROM TEXAS APPLAUD)

And finally, my last State of the Union finds our economy tanking. Millions of Americans are impoverished, with many more to follow. And you know what? I don't give a damn. As long as a bunch of CEO's make a billion dollars in severance between them, I'm happy.

(ALL SENATORS ABOUT TO RESIGN AND BECOME CORPORATE LOBBYISTS APPLAUD)

So that's about it. I'm the worst President ever. But I couldn't have done it without you. From my pals on the Supreme Court who subverted our democracy to anoint me President, to the spineless Republicans and Democrats who followed me like sheep into war with Iraq, and to the millions of Americans who actually meant to vote for me,
God Bless You.

(BUSH APPLAUDS. AND NO ONE ELSE.)

Bush's Economic Plan Stimulates Gucci

2008-01-20T23:04:00.000-05:00

President Bush thinks the best way to stimulate the economy and avert a recession, is to give $800 to all Americans. Except low income Americans. Because they would just throw that money away on rent, food and medicine, instead of something useful like this $800 Gucci bag.

A government that gives money to everyone except poor people, is like an assisted living home that doesn't accept old people.

How come none of the Presidential candidates that I know of are linking our economic meltdown to the Iraq War?

The total spent on the Iraq war is projected to be about $611 billion by the end of this year.

According to the National Priorities Project, taxpayers where I live in Brooklyn, New York, have paid $3.9 billion for the cost of the Iraq War so far. That money could have paid for:

715,592 People with Health Care
or
7,369,921 Homes with Renewable Electricity
or
78,163 Public Safety Officers
or
55,008 Music and Arts Teachers
or
648,729 Scholarships for University Students
or
274 New Elementary Schools
or
22,377 Affordable Housing Units
or
1,355,973 Children with Health Care
or
447,619 Head Start Places for Children
or
47,356 Elementary School Teachers
or
59,162 Port Container Inspectors

But how would any of that help Halliburton?

Monday is Martin Luther King's Birthday, and it marks one year from the day when Bush will leave office. I'm sure that milestone will make Dr. King look down upon us and smile. And those desperate Republicans who invoke Ronald Reagan's name constantly, should be reminded that Reagan was no friend of Dr. King. In fact, if Reagan had ever done one of those old Memories of Martin public service announcements, what would Reagan's memory of Dr. King have been?
"I thought Martin Luther King was a communist, I was against making his birthday a holiday, and that's my memory of Martin."

We Won't Be Fooled Again, Or Will We?

2008-01-13T21:13:00.002-05:00

ABU DHABI, United Arab Emirates — President Bush urged wary Persian Gulf allies on Sunday to rally against Iran “before it is too late,” even as the International Atomic Energy Agency announced that the country had agreed to answer outstanding questions about its nuclear programs within four weeks.
New York Times

Bush should be charged with plagiarizing his own speeches on Iraq in 2002 and 2003. His idea then of "before it was too late", was if he let the inspections run their course, they would have found that Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction. Bush wants Iran to be confronted now, before they're able to prove they're doing what we want them to do.

And then there are those dreaded Iranian speedboats. Calling speedboats a threat to US warships, sounds more like a headline in The Onion, than a rational observation. Speedboats aren't threats to warships; modest waves are threats to speedboats. And the person who filed a transmission saying "You will all explode in a few minutes", sounds more like a crazed Howard Stern hacker, than a terrorist. The footage the Pentagon released looks like some grainy You Tube video from Spring Break in Cancun. I figured that when talk of a recession started surfacing, Bush would be dragging Iran back into the picture. What better way to distract the American public from something that's really happening, than to whip up imaginary fears of menacing, all-powerful speedboats?

Would someone please tell Wolf Blitzer that there was nothing "shocking" about Hillary Clinton's victory in New Hampshire on Tuesday?

It would be shocking if the networks actually allowed all of the candidates to participate in debates, rather than the ones they think have a chance to win.

It would be shocking if voters realized that Mike Huckabee doing Leno and Letterman, isn't a reason to vote for him for President. If he did the Chabad Telethon however, that would be a reason to vote for him.

What's really shocking is that Bush thinks he can use the same script from 2002 to fool us again in 2008. And that he can probably convince the American people he's only using the old script because of the writers strike.

This Blog Is All About Change

2008-01-06T21:40:00.000-05:00

Every Presidential candidate this week stole the theme of change from Barack Obama, because he did so well Tuesday in Iowa. Next, to confuse the voting public, they're all going to steal his name too. Except Giuliani, who would love to rename himself Mr. September 11. But he can't, because a professional wrestler has probably beat him to it.

The Republicans go on and on about how Ronald Reagan got the Berlin wall taken down, and then they drool over the thought of putting up their own wall on the border with Mexico. There are a lot of unemployed former East German security police they could hire to build that wall.

President Bush is visiting the Middle East this week. He'll be staying in a $2600 per night suite at the King David Hotel in Jerusalem. They were out of rooms at his first choice- an illegal settlement in the West Bank. This is Bush's first trip ever to Israel, where he's expected to visit the Wall. Not the wailing wall. He's going to visit the wall that separates Israelis from Palestinians, and Palestinians from their gardens and farms. But you know how Republicans love those border walls. Prime Minister Olmert said it's not a wall, it's a gated community. They have a clubhouse, there's entertainment on Saturday night.

I just realized I've gone a couple of paragraphs without mentioning change. So how about a change in the topics the candidates discuss.

They never discuss the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and if they do, it's the always helpful, "I stand by Israel" comment, and then they move on to the next topic. Israelis disagree with the Israeli government more than American politicians do. The candidates think that, if they criticize Israel even slightly, Alan Dershowitz will demand they drop out of the race.

And what about gun control? After every shooting at a school or at the mall, instead of hearing people talk about keeping guns out of everyone's hands, they talk about how we'd be better off if everyone had guns.

I wonder what some of the candidates will be doing years from now? Fred Thompson acts like he can't wait to jump back into the cast of Law and Order. Mike Huckabee could host the first late night evangelical crusade. Mitt Romney seems well suited to host an infomercial on How To Start Your Own Business With No Money Whatsoever.

And Barack Obama might be bringing about real change. As President of the United States.

The End Of The YEAR As We Know It

2007-12-30T19:20:00.000-05:00

2007 went by much too fast, but at least we're that much closer to the end of the Bush-Cheney regime.

I'm a liberal Jewish political comedian, so although I hate what they have done and continue to do to our country, I don't wish them ill personally. This summer, Bush had a colonoscopy. Apparently, he was having headaches. Bush temporarily turned over the powers of the Presidency to Cheney. I though he already did that in 2001. The White House even put a spin on Bush's colonoscopy. They said doctors found three polyps and five weapons of mass destruction.

Mike Huckabee keeps proving that having a sense of humor, and bringing your own laundry to the front desk at the Holiday Inn, doesn't make you qualified to be President. His reaction to the tragedy in Pakistan this week, was to say how we need a border fence with Mexico more than ever, to keep Pakistanis out. If he was trying to be funny, that would have been a wildly absurd joke, but sadly this is what he really believes. Or what God told him to believe.

Huckabee had a commercial in Iowa, where the words "Christian Leader" were superimposed. Somehow, in an age where politicians wear their religion on both sleeves, this didn't create an outcry. If the late Rabbi Menachem Schneerson was running for President, and had an ad which said "Hasidic Leader", the reaction would have been a little different.

There's no end in sight for the Writers Guild strike. But doesn't it seem that all of the Republican Presidential candidates, and some of the Democrats too, have had their writers on strike since the beginning of the campaign? If you got your news from Republican debates, you would think that the biggest threat to our country was 12 million illegal immigrants working harder than most Americans, to send their meager pay to their families back home. They're not threats, they're role models. Fear mongers like Tom Tancredo, who dropped out of the race because he would have gotten absolutely no votes, are threats to this country. Not illegal immigrants.

I just got back from San Francisco, where I had the privilege of working with a true comedy legend Shelley Berman, at Lisa Geduldig's Kung Pao Kosher Comedy shows. Getting to watch Shelley onstage, and talk with him offstage, was a master class in comedy.

I loved being in California, a state where Bush's popularity is the lowest in the country. He's down to 23. Not percent. Just 23.

This time next year, we will have elected a new, hopefully Democratic, President.

We have a lot to look forward to.

Have a Happy, Healthy and very funny New Year.

Military Strike

2007-12-16T23:03:00.002-05:00

The Writers Guild strike has no end in sight, Broadway stagehands recently ended their walkout, and the Directors Guild has begun their contract negotiations. These job actions, while justified, deprive people of their entertainment options. Why can't there be strikes by the people who do things we wish they would stop doing? Let's take our military in Iraq, for example.

While Congress is unable or unwilling to bring our troops home expeditiously, a military strike would accomplish a similiar result. And not the kind of military strike that Turkey inflicted upon northern Iraq yesterday, or US forces carry out in Iraq and Afghanistan. No, a genuine military strike where soldiers refuse to fight, lay down their weapons, and write picket signs instead. Picture this conversation between a soldier and military brass.

PENTAGON: What are your strike demands?
SOLDIER: No more killing.
PENTAGON: But you're a soldier. Killing is part of the job description.
SOLDIER: Then change our job description. How about replacing killing with talking?
PENTAGON: You're not trained to talk.
SOLDIER: I think that's a skill you can pick up without training.
PENTAGON: So if you don't kill the enemy, won't they kill you?
SOLDIER: That's where the talking comes in. Everyone wants something. We can find out what they want, tell them what we want, and try to make everyone happy.
PENTAGON: That won't make Halliburton happy.

Newspaper ad next season
Get your human growth hormones autographed by your favorite major league baseball stars!

And on the campaign trail...Oprah Winfrey campaigned last week for Barack Obama. Desperately searching for his own celebrity to support him, Mike Huckabee said he would have Jesus campaign with him. When told of Jesus's lack of availability, Huckabee said he was not aware that Jesus was no longer alive, saying he had been campaigning nonstop and didn't have time to get the news.

CIA Tapes Were On My Netflix Queue

2007-12-10T01:13:00.000-05:00

The White House said it begged, begged the CIA not to destroy those interrogation tapes. I mean, the last thing the White House would want destroyed is direct evidence that the United States uses torture.

Besides, the tapes showed detainees being waterboarded, which isn't torture according to President Bush and Attorney General Mulkasey; it's just a refreshing pick me up. So if the tapes showed waterboarding, and waterboarding isn't torture, then The White House would have wanted everyone to see the tapes, because there's no torture shown on them. In fact, I'm sure Bush and Cheney would have loved to have submitted the CIA tapes to the Human Rights Watch Film Festival.

Other torture tapes the CIA is thought to have destroyed include:
1) Every Bush news conference since he took office.
2) Every Bush speech since he took office.
3) Every episode of Comedy Central's Mind of Mencia.

And, doesn't the fact that the CIA still uses tapes and not DVD's, say something about its technological capability?

The National Intelligence Estimate said Iran ended its nuclear program in 2003. Bush reacted to that news the way any irrational, reckless and intellectually challenged person would. He said "Iran was dangerous, and is dangerous." Iran's most potent weapons are persian rugs. I guess Bush fears the US being rolled up in wool berber.

Mitt Romney gave a speech about religion, where he basically urged voters not to let his being a Mormon stop them from voting for a morally bankrupt, vapid, intellectually dishonest multimillionaire.

And on a self-indulgent note, I hope you'll join me this Thursday December 13, for my look back at 2007, The End Of The Year As We Know It, at Vox Pop, 1022 Cortelyou Road(at Stratford Road) Ditmas Park, Brooklyn at 8:30 PM. Sadly for me, it's free!

Scary Foreign Policy Now 50% Off!

2007-12-02T17:34:00.000-05:00

The US dollar is decreasing in value, in direct proportion to the value the US has to the rest of the world. Halliburton is now overcharging the Pentagon in euros. And in light of our reckless and dangerous foreign policy, it seems appropriate that foreigners only think of the US as a great place to get Timberland boots at bargain prices. We've gone from being a beacon of hope and opportunity to the world, to just being a huge clearance sale.

But if you watched the Republican debate, you would think the US is still THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD! And if you judge a country's greatness by the number of detainees held indefinitely at Guantanemo, by our support for torture at the highest levels of government, and our bullying approach to international affairs, then yes, WE ARE NUMBER ONE!

In the last Democratic debate, virtually all the Democratic and Republican candidates(except Dodd, Kucinich and maybe Richardson) favored continuing the inane policy of not having relations with Cuba. The Bush Administration says they won't deal with Cuba until Cuba becomes like the US. To accomplish that, Cuba would have to make its health care and education system worse.

The government of Sudan is guilty of crimes against humanity, but they do have a sick sense of humor. How else could you explain their conviction of a British teacher who committed the heinous sin of asking her students to name a teddy bear?Since many of the kids in the class(as well as tens of millions of boys around the world) are named Muhammad, they went with that name for the stuffed animal. Just as a class in the Hasidic enclave of Borough Park, Brooklyn would probably name their teddy bear Moshe. And a class in Greenwich, Connecticut would name its teddy bear Biff. Maybe Sudan should focus a little less on teddy bears, and a little more on the hundreds of thousands of real people, who have been killed on their watch in Darfur.

Last Tuesday, the Middle East Summit was held at the ideal place for peace talks, the US Naval Academy. Men and women walking around in military uniforms provide just the right ambiance for negotiating an end to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

After doing absolutely nothing for seven years, Condi Rice is desperate to have something that looks good on her resume when she interviews for a job a year from now. Bush told Abbas and Olmert, "Call me whenever you like", with the sincerity of an ex-girlfriend saying she still wanted to stay in touch. In this era of lowered expectations, the Summit was considered by some to be a success, because the two sides agreed to, TALK! But not too much talk, and don't rush into talking about anything substantive. They pledged to come up with an agreement a year from now. I thought I was a procrastinator. At least when I put off doing things that can further my career, no lives are lost as a result.

But then I saw in Haaretz today, that Olmert thinks an agreement by the end of 2008 is unlikely. So essentially, the summit brought the two sides together not to talk about ending the conflict, but to keep talking until the end of next year, when it would be nice if they negotiated a peace deal, but if they don't, there's no harm done. And they should call Bush whenever they like. Because when it comes to not finding peace, Bush is just the right guy to call.

The Hunt for Illegal Nuts

2007-11-26T20:17:00.000-05:00

You can find productions of The Nutcracker virtually everywhere this holiday season.

This item appeared in the New York Times on Thursday:

Israel has asked for help from the United States in cracking down on illegal pistachio nut imports from Iran, after Washington warned that the trade was hurting efforts to curb Tehran's nuclear program.

I think the hunt for "illegal nuts" should focus on the occupants of The White House, who fit that description perfectly.

Israel imports pistachios worth $26 million annually, mostly from Turkey. But Washington says nuts from Iran are mixed in with the shipments, undermining economic sanctions meant to force Iran to stop developing its nuclear abilities.

How fitting that nuts from Turkey and Iran get mixed together. Both kinds of nuts deny genocide. If part of the US's bullying approach to stop Iran from building nuclear weapons involves monitoring sales of pistachio nuts, you have to wonder who the real nuts are.

The latest spin on Iraq this week is that THINGS ARE GOING REALLY WELL NOW! Maybe it's not that progress is being made, it's that eventually even horrible, despicable things have to wind down for the time being. And the so-called progress is 1000 Iraqis returning to Baghdad, out of 4 million who fled the country. The media reports that things are getting back to normal in Baghdad are probably plagiarized from stories like NEW ORLEANS IS READY FOR BUSINESS! The recent election results that gave the New Orleans City Council a white majority, show that New Orleans may be ready for business, but apparently not ready for black people. For most of us, Katrina was a humanitarian disaster. To some Republicans, it was just redistricting.

When President Bush flew over New Orleans after Katrina, he remarked about the partying he used to do there, and also about Senator Trent Lott losing his multimillion dollar Mississippi Gulf summer home. While I felt sorry for Lott's housing loss, I'm certainly not sorry that he announced today that he would retire from the Senate at the end of the year. Lott almost had to resign after he said that our country would have been better off if deceased bigot Strom Thurmond had been elected President. Lott tried to back down. He went on Black Entertainment Television, he changed his name to "T Lotty". But Lott was just showing his true color(white). He once spoke at a white supremacist meeting and afterwards he claimed he had no idea who the group was. I would have thought the hooded sheets might have been a tipoff.

2007-11-18T15:01:00.000-05:00

In the Las Vegas debate Thursday, the Democratic candidates had to keep their answers short because CNN didn't want to keep the audience off the gambling floor for too long. Wolf Blitzer started cutting them off as soon as they started speaking. And in the case of Dennis Kucinich, Blitzer barely let him speak at all. He practically prefaced each question to Kucinich with, "You have absolutely no chance of winning but...". The first primary is several weeks away, but the "frontrunners" get much more time to speak than the "second tier" candidates. How can you have frontrunners when no one has voted yet?

General Musharraf wants to keep the state of emergency in Pakistan until after elections are held. What better way to hold a free and fair election than have your opponent under house arrest during the campaign? That means he would have about as many public appearances as Fred Thompson. And Musharraf might decide to put off the election indefinitely, something Rudy Giuliani wouldn't mind, since he talked about postponing the Mayoral election in New York after September 11.

The Annapolis Middle East Summit has been criticized by Republicans like Mitt Romney who revealed his vast knowledge of the conflict when he said, "How could you possibly have a peace conference at this stage? Who would you talk to?" Apparently Romney has never heard of the President of the Palestinian Authority Mahmoud Abbas, who will be at the Summit and hopefully will be spoken to. What should have been a week-long meeting, now is rumored to only run for a day, and if they listen to ignorant words like Romney's, the Summit might wind up as a 10 minute conference call.

CBS News writers are threatening to go out on strike, which would give Katie Couric a chance to do what she does best- a news broadcast without any news. The best part of the CBS Evening News is the recorded voice of Walter Cronkite at the beginning of the show. Originally they were going to go with a video of Edward R. Murrow rolling over in his grave. But Katie isn't the only one. All the 6:30 PM network news shows fail to report what's really important. I guess the war in Iraq must have ended, because it wasn't even mentioned on tonight's NBC Nightly News. But there was time for a 5 minute story on teenage paparazzi.Thank God, we live in a country that allows a free, independent press to flourish. They don't get to see stories like that in Pakistan.

Although what Musharraf has done is totally reprehensible, it's hard to fear a guy who was a guest on "The Daily Show". And one hopes that even Musharraf can see the irony in appearing on a show that regularly ridicules our President, while doing so in Pakistan results in a three year prison sentence.

And yet I think it's great that the Bush Administration is actively talking with a leader who does things we disapprove of. While they're at it, can't they make time in their schedule for Ahmadinejad? Or do they only talk to world leaders who wear ties?

Department of Torture

2007-11-11T21:34:00.000-05:00

You would think that refusing to call waterboarding torture would disqualify someone from becoming the highest law official in the United States, but Michael Mukasey was sworn in as Attorney General this week. Instead of being sworn in with a stack of bibles, he took the oath over a stack of naked Iraqi prisoners.

And our Senator from New York Chuck Schumer happily joined every Republican and several Democrats by voting to confirm Mukasey. Schumer basically said that other than being in favor of torture, he was perfect for the job. He thinks waterboarding's OK, but other than that... That's like saying, "The waiter never brought our food but other than that..." "The taxi never took us anywhere, but other than that..." Senator Feinstein defended Mukasey by saying, "He's a judge, he wants to get all the facts." Mukasey doesn't want all the facts, he just wants to keep half the Bush Administration out of jail. And how could John McCain, a man who was tortured as a POW, support a man who won't condemn torture? I guess, as a Presidential candidate, McCain doesn't want to offend the Pro-Torture lobby in the US.

The previous pro-torture Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said during his confirmation hearing, that even if the US sometimes tortures people, "at least we don't behead them." That's quite a lofty standard to hold yourself up against. And another blast from the past, Donald Rumsfeld, during the Abu Graib scandal, said "I heard about the torture in January, I didn't realize how bad it was until I saw the pictures. Why did he have to wait for the pictures? Doesn't "torture" tell you enough? Apparently Rumsfeld thought, "Maybe it's the nice kind of torture, maybe it's the tickling torture".

And Mukasey is an observant Orthodox Jew. I wish he would also observe that torture is illegal and immoral. In fact, I think God would be happy if Mukasey traded in one of his ritual observances in exchange for condeming torture. How about it's OK to drive on the Sabbath, but not to hold someone's head under water so they think they're drowning? That's a good tradeoff.

As a proud Reform Jew who doesn't keep Kosher, and if he ever drove, would drive on the Sabbath, I despise torture, war, lying, deceiving, and treating human beings in an inhumane way. And after two weeks traveling in Eastern Europe, where millions were brutally tortured and killed, it would have been nice to return home to a country incapable of torture, and incapable of invading and ravaging another country. But my ticket was to the US, not Iceland.

Polish jokes

2007-10-21T18:42:00.000-04:00

WARSAW, POLAND.
I'm sitting in the business center(the lobby actually) of the Polonia Palace Hotel in Warsaw, directly opposite a hugh Stalin-era monument that is now oh so appropriately two beautiful theatrical spaces, a multiplex movie theater and a cafe. And across the street from the former Stalin edifice are two(count'em two) shopping centers. What better statement about the overthrow of Communism? And the street we're staying on is called Jerozolimskie, or Jerusalem. Who says irony is dead?

And they must have planned today's parlimentary elections in Poland, just for the American political comedian who just arrived. Although all the returns haven't been tabulated(apparently there were some hanging chads in Lodz), the opposition party seems to have won, thanks to a disastrous performance by the present Prime Minister in a debate. It's nice to know that in Poland,unlike the US, voters actually pay attention to debates.

Here in Poland, the outgoing Prime Minister and President are twins. As incompetent as they turned out to be, at least for a brief time they actually ruled a country. The best American twins seem to do is go into rehab after being child stars.

Warsaw was 80% destroyed during WWII, and during a wonderful walk Ruth and I took today, it has been miraculously restored, especially in the Old Town which Eisenhower said was the most devasated area he'd ever seen when he toured it in 1945.
The buildings were rebuilt to the original pre-WW II designs, and they look like they have been around for hundreds of years in its timeless beauty, instead of the 55 or 60 years since it was rebuilt. Thank God, there is no Donald Trump or Bruce Ratner in Poland, or else they would have replaced the historic buildings with ugly 60 story high rises, and an arena or two.

After enjoying several delicious meals, including potato pancakes and pieroges, I called my parents in Brooklyn tonight(the reception was much clearer than when I call from my Panasonic cordless in Park Slope.) My father said, "Of course you loved the food, it's ours".

So Poland is really not foreign to me. Yes, the language is impossible to decipher(we just mastered "thank you"), but we feel very much at home. In a city where almost a million Jews were slaughtered by the Nazis, we are walking its streets, having enjoyable(despite the language barrier) conversations with the people, laughing, drinking fair trade coffee and eating good food.The emptiness of a city without the Jews who once were as integral a part of Warsaw as we are now in New York, is always with you. To forget, or never to have known about, the horror of their extermination is a sin. But we all must also take its lessons to heart. And Jews, like myself, must always treat all people with compassion and humanity. Because we know, better than most, how horrible the alternative is.

Well, as I prepare to leave the lobby, and hope that the internet charges aren't enforced, I close with a bit of hope. Twice during the last two days here, I heard Louie Armstrong's rendition of "A Wonderful World". After all that has happened here in the past, let's hope that the future of that wonderful world is a bright one here in Warsaw.

Debatable Intelligence

2007-10-14T13:39:00.001-04:00

The only thing Fred Thompson accomplished in his first Republican debate was to make Rudy Giuliani look really short, and to make himself come across as inarticulate and uninterested. Just the kind of candidate George W. Bush can relate to.

And someone should tell Thompson that "Law and Order" isn't a big enough credit to be President of the United States. Every actor in New York(except me) has appeared on one of the 12 Law and Order shows and spinoffs. So it's not really a big deal. Now if he was on "American Idol", that would be different.

Calling Mitt Romney “an empty suit” is disrespectful to the suit. Romney dresses well and is enthusiastic, but so is a real estate broker. That doesn’t make you qualified to be President. And these days, it doesn’t help you sell houses either. Mitt just likes to run a lot in parades, and chides business journalists for having a “doom and gloom” attitude.

If you’re a good business journalist who knows where our economy is heading, you should have a “doom and gloom” attitude. If Romney is elected, there’ll be plenty of doom and gloom to go around. And why is saying you're going to be just like Ronald Reagan considered a good thing?

When my favorite Republican Ron Paul said the US has never been attacked by another country, Giuliani glossed over the fact that no country was responsible for September 11, when he shot back, ”What about 9/11?” Which is Rudy’s answer for everything.
“What would you do about health care?”
“9/11”
“Education?”
“9/11”

Turkey angrily criticized Congress for calling the mass killings of 1.5 million Armenians in Turkey “genocide”. What would Turkey rather call it? “Notanicethingocide”, or “Iwasabsentthatdayocide” or “I don’tknowwhatyou’retalkingaboutocide”.

The New York Times today reported that Israel’s raid in Syria recently was on a nuclear facility. They cited American and Israeli intelligence officials. Why should this intelligence be any more intelligent that the false intelligence on Iraq? And if the intelligence was really intelligent, why does the US and Israel refuse to comment on the intelligence? And will the American people be as dumb about this intelligence as they were about the discredited Iraq intelligence?

And why is it OK for some countries to have nuclear weapons, but not others? Are the countries who can have them more responsible and considerate when it comes to destroying a country in a nuclear attack? The US and Russia recently agreed to reduce their nuclear warheads to about 4000 each. I don't know about you, but that lets me rest easy at night. And the US has recently talked about winning a "limited nuclear war". I think they're all going to be limited. Not too many nuclear wars are going to drag on for days. And when it's over, no one will be around for the victory celebrations.

Ann Coulter said that “Jews needed to be perfected” and that they should all become Christians. After hearing that, Mel Gibson hired her to write his next film. When asked to clarify her remarks, Coulter denied that they ever happened.

Comedians always like to go out on a laugh, but this week I want to pay tribute to two people who helped pave the way for the political comedy you read here and that I perform onstage.

“If I hadn’t met him, I’d be washing cars today,” legendary political satirist Mort Sahl told the New York Times about Enrico Banducci who died on Tuesday. “It took me a long time to catch on, but he gave me the time to find my voice.” Banducci, who owned the Hungry I nightclub in San Francisco, helped start the careers of Sahl, Woody Allen, Shelley Berman(who I will be performing with December 22-25 in San Francisco) and countless others. Brad Rosenstein, who was curator of a 2007 exhibition on Mr. Banducci and the club for the San Francisco Public Arts Library and Museum, said this week that satirical political comedy was “unknown before the Hungry I”. Banducci believed in giving comedians complete artistic freedom, and piano player Don Asher was quoted on SFGate.com as saying, “I must have played for a thousand club and restaurant owners," "He was the only owner who put performers and musicians ahead of the cash register." We could certainly use some club owners like that today, who value political comedy, and who place artistic expression above the almighty dollar.

And Ned Sherrin, who created “That Was The Week That Was”, the British and later American satirical TV show, died recently as well. What Banducci did for live satirical comedy, Sherrin did for television, as TW3 was the first TV show to satirize the political establishment. Except for The Daily Show, The Colbert Report and Real Time with Bill Maher, that kind of satirical humor is sorely missing from American television today.

Next week, this blog comes to you from Warsaw, Poland where my wife Ruth and I are beginning a two week Jewish Heritage Tour. See you next Sunday.

Doubting Thomases and Other Doubts

2007-10-07T21:34:00.000-04:00

Clarence Thomas is a man who admirably lifted himself out of extreme poverty to serve in high level Justice Department positions, but his biggest distinction is being one of the most unqualified people to ever serve on the Supreme Court. In the 16 years he’s been on the bench, the only words he’s ever uttered is, “I go along with whatever Scalia just said.” Yet even though his nomination was confirmed, in his new memoir, he’s still pissed off. Especially at liberals, who he said treated him worse that the Ku Klux Klan ever did. So a man who thinks that Ted Kennedy is worse than the Grand Wizard is deliberating on issues affecting our life and liberty.

There were two Thomases to doubt the past week. Isiah Thomas, the coach and general manager of the Knicks, was found by a jury to have sexually harassed a woman executive at Madison Square Garden. And his defense was that it’s OK for a black man to call a black woman a “bitch”. If Clarence Thomas was the presiding judge he would have probably sided with Isiah Thomas, because that’s essentially what Clarence called Anita Hill. What's next from the boorish, arrogant misogynistic management of the Knicks and Madison Square Garden? Are they going to change the name of the Knicks City Dancers to the Knicks City Bitches? And name Don Imus as their new play by play announcer?

I was at a party last week where inexplicably a boxing match on HBO was on television. In the justifiable uproar over Michael Vick and dog fighting, don’t you think someone should make a peep about humans beating each other’s brains out, with celebrities happily watching ringside? Take away the gloves and the Everlast shorts and what you have is two men or women having the kind of fight someone would try to break up in real life. Maybe it’s time to break up the fight in the ring as well. I hate it when people say that boxing is a ticket out of “the streets”. So is the military, and the end result is essentially the same. You get short term financial stability, so you can injure or kill someone, and quite possibly get injured or killed yourself. And as I watched the fight out of the corner of my eye, I couldn’t help but notice that the HBO announcers wore tuxes. When two guys are pounding each other into submission, is formalwear really called for?

I’m glad Senator Larry Craig said this week that he won’t resign. Why should he? If they were going to make Senators resign for “moral turpitude”, he should have been forced to resign with other Senators like him who voted against according gays equal rights and protections under the law. That’s immoral. Tapping your feet in a men’s room stall isn’t immoral, it’s annoying. And even having sex in a stall shouldn't be a crime- it’s just rude. After all, people are waiting who have to actually use the bathroom. It would be great if we lived in a society that didn’t feel the need to have undercover police sitting in men’s room stalls all day waiting for men to tap their feet.

Republicans are afraid it ruins their family values image. Is it really pro-family to send sons off to war for no reason and keep them there indefinitely? And is it pro-family to threaten Iran, by saying we might use our military options, instead of negotiating? Military options is a polite way of saying “Killing men, women and children.” We should make Presidential candidates say those words instead of "military options". Rudolph Giuliani would have to say "We can’t take the killing of men, women and children option off the table.”

New Yorkers seem more devastated by the collapse of the Mets than by the collapse of our moral authority. Wouldn’t it be a wonderful world, if people got more outraged by a President who misled us into a horribly unnecessary war, than by a decent and talented Mets manager who couldn’t get his wildly overpaid players to hit, field or pitch a ball? Instead of “Fire Willie”, I’d like to live in a country where 55,000 people in a stadium yelled “Fire Bush and Cheney” instead.

When will Bush ever learns?

2007-09-30T13:02:00.000-04:00

With his foreign and domestic policies a total failure, George W. Bush's sole purpose now is to provide fodder for comedians.

Speaking in defense of his No Child Left Behind program this week in Washington, Bush uttered the words, "Childrens do learn". Apparently, Bush is a child who has been left behind.

Bush is not the only person in his administration acting like an undereducated child. Right before Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's speech at the UN Tuesday, the US delegation got up and walked out, apparently not smart or mature enough to understand the definition of diplomacy. Walking out during another country's speech is so totally a high school move. Will US diplomats short sheet Ahmadinejad's bed the next time he's in town?

Ahmadinejad was allowed to speak at Columbia University, but had to follow the worst introduction a speaker could get. Columbia President Lee Bollinger said that Ahmadinejad was a cruel, petty dictator, who lacked the courage and integrity to answer questions honestly. That's tough to follow, and I should know, since I got that same intro once at The Comic Strip.
Whatever happened to ,"Please give our next speaker the courtesy and attention you would want for yourself?" I can imagine how Lee Bollinger, who teaches a course in Freedom of Speech at Columbia, treats his students. "Before you give me the answer to that question, let me just say that I'm sure your response will be wildly off-base, and I think that you have no prospects whatsoever for ever succeeding in life. OK, what's your answer?" Bollinger should be forced to take Civility 101 before he's allowed to do another introduction.

Ahmadinejad was compared with, you guessed it, Hitler in an ad by a right-wing Jewish group. Comparing him to Hitler trivializes what Hitler did. Years ago, I heard someone say that George Steinbrenner, owner of the Yankees, was a Nazi because he kept firing managers. Yes, that's what the Nazis were known for, those constant managerial changes.

John McCain said he would be more comfortable with a Christian President, since the Constitution says the US was founded as a Christian nation. I guess separation of Church and State is about as popular today as civility.

Jesus would be pretty appalled to have John McCain taking his name in vain, since McCain was one of the "major" Republican Presidential candidates who skipped a debate dealing with minority issues and featuring black and Hispanic journalists. Jesus cared about the poor and the powerless. John McCain, Rudolph Giuliani, Mitt Romney and Fred Thompson think the poor and the powerless are Democratic voters who should be ignored.

When viewers on Fox News were asked who won the debate, they chose the four empty podiums. The loser, once again, was the rest of us.

2007-09-23T21:48:00.000-04:00

A world leader who has sent weapons to Iraq that have killed thousands of people wants to speak this week in New York. While some may protest, I say- let George W. Bush be heard. And Mahmoud Ahmadinejad too. Of course The Daily News and The Post call Ahmadinejad "a madman". Why is it that every world leader who we disagree with goes right to the "madman" category? Isn't there a middle ground somewhere? Of course, the President of Iran has said disturbing things about Israel and the Holocaust. But calling someone a "madman"(remember Sadaam Hussein?) pretty much excuses a rush to war.

I say, put down the weapons and try a more disarming word. Instead of "madman", let's try "Schmuck". Lots of world leaders say schmucky things, but you don't invade them because of it. And frankly, it makes Jews like myself feel better calling someone a schmuck, than a madman.

And what does it say about our country that a bigot like Ann Coulter earns thousands of dollars on speaking engagements across the US, but Columbia University is pressured not to let the President of an actual country speak. And irony lessons are also in order for those institutions who have recently cancelled appearances by authors John Mearsheimer and Stephen Walt who write in their new book "The Israel Lobby" that debate about the Middle East is stifled in the US. And what better way to show that than to not let them speak?

The only way to achieve peace in Iraq, with Iran and in the entire Middle East is to talk. Some people say, "We tried talking; it didn't work". That's like saying, "I tried breathing; I didn't care for it". Here's a wild idea. When Bush and Ahmadinejad are in New York this week, why don't they sit down and talk? I guess if I brought up that idea to the Bush Administration they'd call me a madman.

2007-09-16T12:28:00.000-04:00

I began hosting my live talk show The End Of The Week As We Know It about 4 years ago in New York. I did an opening monologue based on the week’s events, interviewed a guest(The Nation’s Eric Alterman and former Clinton press secretary Jake Siewert among others) and then hosted a roundtable of comedians and writers weighing in on the news of the week. I plan on doing a version of that show on stage and on the Web soon, but today I launch a weekly blog of my observations of the past week. I hope to add video soon.

The Beginning of the End

2007-09-16T00:09:00.000-04:00

What provoked criticism this week from both Democrats and Republicans and was called “despicable”? You would think President Bush’s speech Thursday that called for the unjust, illegal war presented to the American people in a deceptive, manipulative way, to continue for many years into the future, would be the words to condemn. Instead, a pun in a MoveOn.org ad is apparently the height of evil and immorality. Using the words Petraeus and Betray Us in a headline, is going too far for Democrats and Republicans, but keeping a large number of American troops in Iraq indefinitely is prudent and acceptable. Once again, Democrats are letting Republicans frame the debate. Republicans shouldn’t be allowed to frame a poster, after years of lying and deceiving us about the Iraq War. Even today, on This Week with George Stephanopolous, Secretary of Defense Gates said the reason we had to invade Iraq was because Saddam Hussein was destabilizing the Middle East. You would think someone who was Secretary of Defense would have a working knowledge of American history from 4 years ago, but just like his predecessor, Gates, as well as the whole Bush administration says the polar opposite of the truth. Our invasion, causing the deaths of more than 3000 US troops and well over 100,000 Iraqi civilians, in addition to creating more than 4 million Iraqi refugees, destabilized the region. So anytime you hear a Bush official talk about Iraq, just realize that the truth is the opposite of what they say. And at this point they might as well say anything. If you’re going to make stuff up, why not go all the way? Tell us that Iraq is getting a National Hockey League franchise. Tell us that now’s the time to buy condos in Baghdad. Tell us that Iraq spelled backwards is September 11. If they brought back the game show To Tell The Truth, no member of the Bush Administration could be on it.

But on a happier note, Madonna met with Israeli President Shimon Peres. Who says there's no hope for peace in the Middle East? The only way to achieve peace is to talk to all the parties involved. Which begs the question- if Israel can talk to Madonna why not talk to Hamas too?

On Saturday, demonstrators marched on Washington to demand an end to the war. The turnout was estimated by organizers at 100,000. Fox News put the number at 12, and said they weren't protesting, they were waiting for the bus.

And President Bush is expected to name his nominee for Attorney General tomorrow. Alberto Gonzalez was asked today why he resigned, and he said he didn't recall resigning. The Bush Administration says it will be searching for a new Attorney General with the necessary qualities -incompetence, deception, willful ignorance and arrogance. So their choice will be someone already in the Bush administration.

Blog Launches September 16

2007-09-06T15:57:00.000-04:00

The End Of The Week As We Know It, a fresh, funny look at the events of the past week, by political comedian Scott Blakeman, premieres on Sunday September 16. See you then.